"Reader, I asked him" - how parkrun lead me to change my mind about wanting to get married again

On Saturday I got engaged to my partner Alan.  It was a really special occasion and I wanted to write about how it came to pass, how it went and how we both felt afterwards.

I have been married before. I was with my ex for nearly 12 years and married for around 4 years.  If I had been wiser and braver I might have made some different choices about that relationship, but it eventually ended when both of us were extremely unhappy and with very poor mental health.  

Having been in a relationship since I was 20, I found myself in 2013 as a newly single woman in her early 30s feeling   clueless about "dating".  I decided to do some research and I read some books about dating including "The Rules" by  Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt.  They made me feel even less equipped to enter the world of "dating" not least the complicated world of "online dating".  In the most basic distillation of the advice I took from these books it was basically "as a woman never make the first move (don't even look at a man first!)" and that if someone isn't bothered, they're not bothered and don't waste your energy chasing it (which I guess does make some sense.)

In the following couple of years I went on quite a few dates that would probably serve as a humorous book if I were to write them all down from the guy who lied about his name, age (by 10 years) and having a job and then asked to borrow money from me through to the guy who started too go cold on me (He just clearly wasn't that into me!) and so when he explained why and told me it was because "he would have killed for a garden like mine and would never have let it turn into an overgrown nature reserve" I came to the realisation that online dating in particular is just a bit badly thought out and wasn't really going to find me the sort of person I wanted to be spending my life with.  

Compare online dating to online shopping - you have a list of criteria you are looking for say to book a holiday and you can search for all those elements and see what other people thought of a particular hotel and provider, there are reviews of the service to validate what you are buying.  You can make a considered purchase and worst case scenario - most of the time you can take it back for a refund or buy another one if the reality doesn't match up to expectations.   Not so with dating, the nearest you can get to a "review" is on the "My Single Friend" site which has friends recommend their "single friend" which is obviously slightly biased  You have to take a leap of faith and meet someone who you likely wouldn't bump into in real life.  This situation also affords them the opportunity to behave terribly with no consequences from the community around them.  

Then we come to the perception of infinite choice - if you think meeting a perfect match online is simply finding someone who ticks all of your "wish list" then you'll most likely be looking forever because for every "must like dogs" and "must look like Brad Pitt" you can tick off, you'll never have thought about the unique things that make us all human like "must have those cute tiny creases around their eyes when they smile so it looks like their eyes are twinkly" and those "must have big hands that annoyingly spill stuff everywhere when they cook"...but you don't mind because you love all of them (yes I'm talking about Alan!).  

In August 2015 I deleted all my dating apps because it wasn't good for my mental health to be continually comparing people on superficial qualities and it wasn't good for me to be constantly compared either.  I also read another dating book "Get the Guy" by Matthew Hussey and it gave me a slightly different perspective on things which was "don't obsess over trying to meet *the one* instead just enjoy meeting different new people.  People who can introduce you to other people and will allow you the chance to develop feelings more naturally over time rather than in a pressurised face to face over a coffee.  I also went to see a palm reader on a trip to India and whilst I didn't (and don't!) believe in the truth in what they say, he did something interesting and told me I would meet my next partner between 19/08/16 and 19/09/17 and so it made me think "why am I trying to force this, is it so bad if actually I stop putting pressure on myself and know I might not meet someone immediately?"

When I got back home after my trip, I went running with my friend from Hyde Park Harriers - Sam Scarlett who mentioned to me that she thought I would get on well with her friend Alan who she'd met at parkrun and I'm guessing had a similar conversation with him as shortly afterwards I had a Facebook friend request from him.  I accepted and when I was putting a shout out to try and find someone to keep me company on a 20 mile training run he offered instead to meet me after parkrun for around 15 miles as he was travelling to New York on the Sunday and wanted to get in his marathon training miles before the Yorkshire marathon.  We agreed to meet up and go for a run together after parkrun.

(I must confess at this point that I had actually seen Alan's profile on one of the online dating sites, but despite thinking he looked lovely, I had moved past it as I was so weary with online dating and also I think I was too old for his age criteria at that point!).

I am so glad that I got a second chance to meet Alan!  So thankful for parkrun!
We first met after a fast 5K parkrun at Woodhouse Moor parkrun.  parkrun has been life changing for me in many ways, I first started running back in 2004 when I entered a "Race for Life" event to raise money for Cancer Research and it was amazingly beneficial to both my mental and physical health.  I moved up to a 10K in 2007, a half marathon in 2008 and then a marathon in 2010, but I only discovered parkrun in 2014 after my friend Gemma invited me to her birthday parkrun.  About 6 months before I'd been mugged and my marathon training had ended up being solely on treadmills as I had no confidence to run outside by myself anymore.  I realised that this friendly place called parkrun (which was also free!) meant that at least I could run outside once a week and not feel scared.

Alan walked over to me at the finish after I'd had my barcode scanned and we will have both been sweaty on a very warm September morning.  We set off in my car to Eccup Reservoir and did a couple of laps chatting all the way around.  At one point I had to stop for a pit stop in a bush which is probably not a conventional thing to do on a first date and certainly against "The Rules"!  We called it a day after 12 miles as it was so warm and drove back to Alan's car and went our separate ways (despite me dropping many hints about going out for lunch!) After getting a shower I was really pleased to have a message from Alan inviting me to the cinema that evening and we watched "Legend" at the Everyman and ate pizza.  Alan even picked me up from my house and dropped me home afterwards which was lovely and we had our first kiss in my dining room in front of snuffly Marla cat.

Alan flew to New York the next day and we messaged and face timed a lot in the week he was away and had our second date at Kendall's on the day he arrived back to the UK.  Over the first few weeks we barely spent any time apart and visited Antwerp and the Yorkshire Dales together.  I knew that Alan must like me a bit when a day after his Yorkshire Marathon where he smashed 35 minutes off his PB he signed up to run the White Rose Ultramarathon with me (and Sam Scarlett) 2 weeks later.   On our first glamping trip to Swinton Bivouac the topic of marriage came up and I said that for me I didn't want to do it again as it wasn't that it felt like something that I needed to do and was very expensive.  Alan seemed disappointed and said that for that reason he'd not ask me as I'd made it clear I didn't want to be married again.  

3 1/2 years on and we are very happy living together in a house we bought together in December 2016 with two lovely cats and for all purposes live as if we are married.  So you might think - what changed? 

In March this year I saw one of my friends from my teenage years, Will, marry Sara. Sara had also been married before and I got the impression may have felt like me about doing it all over again, but seeing her and Will look so happy on their wedding day that was all about them, their relationship and how they wanted the day to be that it started me thinking "Am I just being stubborn?"  Sara even made a speech and made the point that it would encourage more women to be more equal in the marriage process and that got me thinking a bit more.  

As I was driving back home with Alan sat next to me, I realised I had changed my mind, whilst I didn't think getting married would make our relationship any different, being with Alan makes me feel safe and happy and I thought it would be lovely to celebrate this with our friends and family and also to give us both the chance to have a wedding and a marriage together.  It wasn't something I felt I "should" do, but it felt like I might regret not doing it if we didn't.   He had said he'd never ask me though and I thought to myself "what's holding me back from asking him?" and I realised that the only thing holding me back was that women don't generally ask men.  As a guide leader and ex-Women's Institute president, I'm also very keen at ensuring that as a woman we continue to move towards equality and that one area we are terribly unequal is in relationships and in particular proposing marriage, but with anything unless people are willing to stand up and be one of the first to do it, people won't feel confident to try too.  

I knew that if there was only one place that would be right to ask him, it had to be parkrun.  I was still driving back from the wedding and got so emotional thinking about it that tears were running down my face and Alan was trying to ask me "what's wrong?" and I couldn't really explain.

Alan is extremely good at guessing anything I'm up to try and surprise him, but it occurred to me that this year his birthday fell on parkrunday (known to others as Saturday).  By using his birthday as a decoy I could invite family and friends to come to parkrun with the excuse of "It's your birthday!" and then ask him if he wanted to get married.  I told him I was going to organise a special birthday parkrun "but it's only my 37th birthday, it's not a special birthday!?!" he said, but didn't seem to get too suspicious.

To make sure I wasn't going completely crazy, I sense checked my plans with my friend Hannah who thought if I wanted to do it and was happy and loved him then I should ask him and offered to come and help me on the day in any way needed.

I then looked at the volunteer rota and saw that it was Anne Akers the event director (who we know well) who was down to be the run director on the day of Woodhouse Moor parkrun where I first met Alan.  I contacted her directly as I wanted to keep it as secret as possible to avoid any chance of it slipping out before the day!  She was delighted with my idea and I promised to make sure that my plans wouldn't interfere with the normal business of parkrun.

I had a few ideas of how I could ask Alan.  I have seen stories where some people have proposed at the run briefing before the runners set off, but I know Alan is not always keen on being a big centre of attention and also would probably not want to actually run after such a life event!  Anne's husband Noel suggested I could reveal a message per lap of the 3 lap course, which I think would be great, but knowing how curious Alan is there would be another risk he'd not complete parkrun (and I couldn't be responsible for that!!)  In the end the idea that I settled on was to volunteer on "unscannables" which means I'd manually write down any unscannable barcodes at the end of the run.  I would task the scanners to mysteriously not scan Alan's barcode and then I'd have to write down his barcode and could ask the question.  Anne liked the idea and I was happy as it wouldn't have too big an audience, wouldn't interfere with normal parkrun business and would also be metres away from where I first met Alan.

I wanted to make the occasion as special as possible and also knowing how emotional and tearful the idea was making me, I came up with an idea to help me out on the day if nerves kicked in.  I planned to make a video with some of our memories of our time together like the strava track of our first parkrun and run together, a screenshot of the first messages we exchanged and some holiday and running photos.  At the end it would have some words written down about how I'd changed my mind about wanting to get married.  I first used the 1 Second Everyday app, but it was just too quick!  I didn't want the last few slides to not be readable (Hannah confirmed my fears!)  I then ran the 1 Second Everyday photo and video montage through another video editing app to slow it down, but it made the bits with speech sound weird.  I then remembered that I'd gone to the Apple store with my Guides last year and they'd made videos with music about what they enjoyed about being a Guide using the Clips app on the Iphone.  This was perfect as it allowed me to make text slides, add music and add speech bubbles to what the cats were thinking!

The video took me ages... my Iphone screentime report was huge for 3 weeks!  I also in-between ran Manchester Marathon and had a pretty terrible time running.  I had to walk the last 12K including running past somewhere playing "One day like this" by Elbow which made me burst into tears and felt like the perfect song to put the video to.  Finally I had a roughly 4 minute video that right at the end finished with slides telling him that I'd changed my mind about not wanting to get married again and ending with the word "so" leaving me the small matter to turn to Alan and ask him to marry me.

I was still really nervous about all my preparations - I'd asked Alan's brother Dom to come to his birthday parkrun and ideally wanted to tell him in person about my plans, but we'd not managed to meet up beforehand.  I messaged him to let him know and he said he'd be there with Alan's niece and nephew and he even brought Winston the dog with him on the day!  I said I was scared he wouldn't say yes, but he said he didn't think I needed to worry and thatwe were as "thick as thieves".  I also met Sam Scarlett who had introduced us in the first place and showed her the video and asked if she would be around on the day to run with Alan if needed - she was delighted and her reaction to the video was what I'd hoped for and gave me some confidence that it would land well with Alan - even though it ended up being about 4 minutes!

I'd also got my cousin Jenny to come on the day as well as Alan's colleague Danielle (who I didn't tell in advance as that would be a potentially tough secret to keep at work!)

I kept saying to Alan how excited I was for his birthday parkrun - I could hardly contain myself!  I think he was a bit baffled by it all, but didn't suspect anything other than perhaps a surprise picnic!  I'd ordered him a new parkrun wristband for his birthday as well as a leather bracelet with a silver engraved section with our two parkrun numbers and the date we met on it (although stupidly in my excitement I managed to put my birthday of the year we met by mistake - doh!!!)
The night before I'd bought some birthday tiffin for him and put the bottle of champagne I won a few years back in a bag and then struggled hard to fall asleep.  I woke up early to give him his main birthday present and make some hot cross buns, orange juice and coffee for breakfast and we made our way to parkrun.  The night before he said "I don't understand why you're volunteering" and I said it was because Hannah was coming and might need some help keeping an eye on energetic James!  Alan also kindly ran with Alex who is only 9 and so needed to be in arms reach of a responsible adult!

We arrived at parkrun and I carried over my bags of provisions and my cousins Christmas presents from my parents (yes I know we've just not managed to catch up for ages!).  "why are there cups in your bag?" asked Alan "My cousin is having a BBQ later and needs to borrow them" and he didn't ask anything further thankfully!

I grabbed my hi-vis vest and a clipboard and pen, said hello to lots of people who were wishing Alan a happy birthday.  Anne Akers cheered him up by pointing out that 37 is a prime number.  Hannah met us with a very excitable James and Alex and then we all walked over to the start.

It was such a beautiful morning, sunny with a completely blue sky and the runners set off on their run after Anne had given Alan a birthday shout out, I'd told the scanners I had some special instructions for them and when the run had started I told them what I'd got planned and showed them a photo of Alan so they knew not to scan his barcode when he got to the finish.
As we walked back to the finishing funnel I realised that Alan's brother Dom had arrived with Ada on his shoulders, Wren in the buggy and Winston on the lead and I spotted my cousin Jenny had arrived too.  After cheering the runners past 2 laps I took up my position at the end of the finish funnel with Hannah and James ready to take the clipboard from me when Alan arrived, writing down at least a page and half of unscannables in the process.

With the help of Danielle, Alan managed to pace Alex around to shave 10 minutes his parkrun pb finishing in just under 35 minutes and headed straight over to me bypassing the scanners because he could tell that Alex had an issue with his barcode.  I handed the clipboard to Hannah and said that I had a special video to play Alan "I'll watch it later, I need to get my barcode scanned first" he said, but I insisted and played him the video putting my arm around him as he lent over me and dripped sweat onto my head.  

The video played and James was keen to look too until his attention span flicked onto something else and Anne took up a position ready to snap a photo and a small audience gathered behind us as the video played.  It was hard to not comment on anything or hurry it along and as we watched it play on my phone my legs had started to shake with nerves.  The last few slides played and then I turned to Alan and quietly said "will you marry me" and he took my face in his hands with a tear in his eye (it wasn't just sweat!) and said "of course I'll marry you" and we had a kiss and a hug and turned around to an audience who said "Well?!?!" to which Alan declared "I said yes!" and everyone cheered and congratulated us.

We walked back over to the start to pick up our stuff and I opened up the bottle of champagne and shared it with people and Danielle shared her amazing baked goods of Easter Rocky Road, cheese straws and sausage rolls and we all had a great time chatting and smiled an awful lot.  I'd given Alan the bracelet and he had put it straight on and then after a few second glances, he realised I'd managed to mess up the date.  

After some time had passed and we'd drank some champagne, we walked over towards the parkrun cafe - Opposite and realised we should probably tell our parents about our news before it got out over Facebook!  I rang my Mum and Dad and told them and Alan Skyped his mum and they were all very pleased.  We walked across to get coffee and were glad we'd made the call then as we spotted the lovely photo that Anne had taken off us shared on the Woodhouse Moor parkrun facebook page and quickly got a lot of likes (It's a great photo - thanks Anne!)

We were slightly overwhelmed by all the well wishers and I've not yet managed to respond to all the lovely messages yet, but I will!  We'd arranged to go to our local pub, The Queen o' t' owd Thatch, for dinner anyway and were delighted that when we arrived my friend Lauren had bought us a bottle of fizz to go with our meal and also they decorated our plate with congratulations for our dessert.  

Both the  Yorkshire Evening Post and the BBC got in touch as a result of the response to the photo Anne had shared to Facebook and it seems that a lot of people enjoyed reading about our story and a few people commented on the posts "I wish this could happen to me!" or "I wish I could meet someone at parkrun!"  Both myself and Alan would definitely say - you can, but I think embracing the whole of parkrun will make it more likely.  Run, walk or jog parkrun and chat to people (or even just smile at people if you are shy) as you go around, volunteer and get to know the core team and importantly (one of the best bits!) go to the coffee shop and get to be a part of the wider parkrun community.  In the dating book that I liked..."Get the Guy", it said that if you want to meet *the one* don't just focus on meeting that *one* person, but instead focus on broadening your network and meeting lots of people, ideally doing something that you love (it doesn't have to be running!).  parkrun provided a great opportunity to not only improve my health and meet lots of lovely new friends, it ultimately introduced me to my future husband. parkrun has genuinely changed my life for the better in so many ways.  And now we are planning our wedding for September!


I love parkrun and parkrun helped me to find love. 

#loveparkrun

When marathons go bad.... Manchester Marathon 2019

This time last year I was struggling to run.  Well that's not strictly true, I wasn't running.   I'd not been signed off by the consultant or my physio after my dislocated and fractured shoulder, but exactly a year ago yesterday I did walk Whernside in a sling.

I was able to start running again, slowly in a sling around the end of April 2018 and was knocking out 24.45 minutes at parkrun.  However, I decided against attempting to run Liverpool Marathon as planned, or even dropping to the half as it would have been too risky.

My appreciation for running has evolved hugely since I wasn't able to run for quite some time and I now genuinely appreciate every run in case it does for whatever reason end up being my last.  

My last marathon at Yorkshire in October 2017 was my second fastest out of 9, but didn't go to plan with a knee niggle at 9 miles in and with Manchester marketed as "flat" I had hoped I'd be able to get closer to my PB of 3.47... or even close to good for age!  Although I know I'm a good 5 kg heavier than when I ran my PB, which doesn't really help matters!

Training has been pretty good this year, I've been getting out at least 4 times a week and have only really missed out one long run.  I even managed to complete Spen 20 in the worst conditions I've probably ever run in and got around in 3 hours 12, so logically I figured a flat full marathon I should be coming in sub 4 hours.

I got up early and made my long run breakfast which is usually perfect fueling - porridge oats, milk, golden syrup and peanut butter and took it with me to eat in the car.  I made sure the night before to drink plenty of water, but not too much on the morning.  I slapped 3 layers of compeed on an annoying blister on my ankle to try and avoid it being a niggle during the race.

We were taking Danielle - Alan's colleague with us to Manchester and we set off at 6.30am and then aimed for Ladywell park and ride tram stop which was a perfect transport plan as we got off at Pomona and it was about a 10 minute walk to the start area with plentiful toilets and slightly chaotic and unpoliced, but easy to access start pens.  We had a good hour to spare which was perfect.

I always get toilet anxiety before races and usually have to go at least twice, As the first few waves set off and Danielle was in a wave in front of me I took the chance to jump out of the pen area and have a last minute pee break.

I set off aiming for a comfortable pace (I know I have a habit of setting off too fast) and happened to more or less fall in line with the 3.45 hour pacer who initially seemed a bit too fast, then a bit too slow when I overtook him about 6 miles in.  I was hitting an average of 8.30 minute miles for the first 10 miles and dropped slightly the pace slightly but hit splits of 52 mins 10K, 1.55 for the first half and then 2.56 for the 30K mark.  I tried to be careful with nutrition and just drank my own electrolytes and water for the first 6 miles and took on a few shot bloks every 40 minutes.  It's always too tempting for me to take on too much water, but I tried to make sure I drank a few sips and then used the rest to cool down my hands as they always swell massively when I run long distances.

It was lovely to bump into Lois just after the halfway point who was going for (and achieved!) sub 4 hours.  She was looking on great form and really comfortable.

For the first half my Garmin was telling me that my estimated finish time was anything between 3.40 and 3.55.  The 20 - 30K distance was hard as I started to feel like I had some stomach cramps and had to slow down a bit, I got to the "hill" at mile 12 which wasn't too bad at all and by this point my I still felt like I had energy, my legs were ok and I had not had any blister issues.  A bloke tried to chat to me asking me if I ran Woodhouse Moor parkrun and told me that he'd seen my photos on Facebook, it was a bit odd and I was still trying to focus on my own running and he was slower than me so I powered on probably seeming rude.

I started feeling really quite queasy around mile 15 and so stopped for a toilet break, which turned out to be unnecessary after I'd queued up.  I managed to more or less run for another 3 miles, but then I started to feel really cramped up and painful and so run walked until I could see the toilets again and had to spend a good few minutes in there.  I was really feeling poorly at this point and quite light headed.  I looked at my phone for a bit and ended up reading a message from that morning from an old school friend Jenny who I've not seen for around 20 years telling me that my posts about parkrun had inspired her to give it a try - it helped to spur me on when I knew I had 8 and a bit more miles to complete.

I tried to run, but it just wasn't happening, it was so frustrating as I had energy, I had no injuries, but I just couldn't move my body.  I knew that I could walk fast and that I felt well enough to complete the race because I'm stubborn and I don't have any races as DNFs and so this wasn't going to be my first.

Walking gave me more time to look around and notice a few things, like the guy at mile 19 who was clearly having an equally frustrating time and grunting loudly in frustration and giving the mile marker the finger (I tried hard not to giggle, but he was illustrating more obviously my own frustrations!)

I tried some of the carbo gels on offer to see if that would fix me, they didn't.  I kept on walking and walking and fortunately Manchester is an interesting route and so there was plenty to occupy my mind although walking past people cheering you on is an odd experience - I wanted to say "I'm ok I just can't run!", but it was a bit too complicated so I just smiled as much as I could and kept walking.  

A man ran past me and said "Do you know Nicola Forwood?  Tell her not to stand up Mark again!" I'm assuming he was guessing from my HPH vest I would know her, although I don't know who he was - all I saw was the word "Arena" on the back of his t-shirt!

At around mile 20 something else happened to my body that I've only had once before during my fastest running of the Yorkshire 3 Peaks (5 hours 44) and it felt like I had a particularly bad case of Cystitis.  Every time I tried to run was incredibly painful, so I just carried on walking.  I stopped again for an even longer toilet break with less than 5K to go and messaged Alan to apologise for the fact they'd be waiting for ages for me.  

I kept on walking and approached a group of people playing music and heard the chorus of "One Day Like This" by Elbow and as I was walking I could hear it for much longer than if I'd been running past.  It feels like an emotional song for me anyway as it reminds me of seeing them with Alan and with all the emotion you get from running a marathon it made me burst into tears and I spent the next mile sobbing and smiling at the same time as I carried on walking.  I tried to jog whenever I heard music, but my body just wasn't letting me.  

A lady shouted to me at mile 25 "keep going half of Manchester is just there to cheer you on" and she wasn't wrong the support as you get into the final mile is fantastic, which made it all the more embarrassing that I was still walking.

I loved that the last 1K you can pretty much see the finish line and I kept on moving and still couldn't run, even as 2 men dressed as Bert and Ernie overtook me to shouts of people "we can't be beaten by Bert and Ernie!"  

I managed to run for the last couple of 100 metres and spotted Alan who was cheering me on and got over the finish line looking like I might have at least run a bit of it.  I think my running photos will look ridiculous though as I'm definitely crying in at least one of them!

The finish area was a bit confusing (although it's probably just because I was exhausted!) and so I got my medal, soreen, t-shirt and water and went to the toilet (again!) before managing to find Alan and poor Danielle who had finished over an hour before me with an amazing 3 hour 40 time knocking over 30 minutes off her PB. 

My gun time was 4:54.30 - it took me nearly 2 whole hours to do the last 12K!

Some people might say why did I bother finishing, why not take the refuge bus if I was feeling ill, but I know myself well enough on long distance running that I wasn't going to pass out and if I did feel that bad I'd sit down and get some help.  If I'd have known I was likely to feel that poorly when I was running I may not have got to the start line, but I felt absolutely fine when I set off.  Maybe I was ill and didn't realise with a bug or something, maybe I ate something dodgy the day before (the pasta dish from Friday night left out on the cooker all day probably wasn't the best pre-race meal!) maybe it was just not my day - which was a shame as the potential to have a good race was all there on paper.  

Ultimately I'm stubborn, I wanted a medal and I wanted to retain my clean record of always completing a race that I've started and I knew I wouldn't damage myself by doing so.  I know some people criticised Paula Radcliffe when she pulled out of the Athens marathon at mile 22 in 2004 and I'll be honest before I had run a marathon I couldn't understand why she wouldn't limp around for her country and complete the race for her country.  However, as running was her job, she would potentially have destroyed her chances of future success, so I completely get it and I would advise anyone in that situation to pull out and seek help.  If you are only pushing yourself for the sake of it and are actively damaging yourself further, it's not worth it - there are always more races!  You've got to do what is right for your body at that moment in time.

I staggered around and found Alan and Danielle and we managed to get back to the tram station and back to the car and the cystitis feeling was still there and extremely painful.  In the car on the way back Danielle fed us with some home cooked sausage rolls, cheese straws and rocky roads which were all very welcome and very delicious!  NB.  The cystitis thing was awful all evening, but has gone this morning - I did what you are not supposed to do and googled it and found this article which perhaps explains it and also means I perhaps should try and have less anxiety wees!  It''s either a rare running anomaly or one of those things we don't discuss as runners, but perhaps should mention so we don't all feel like weirdos?!

So I'm left feeling disappointed with myself, a little at least, but this is exactly the same time I ran my first marathon at Edinburgh in 2010 to the minute.  Running a marathon teaches you loads about who you are as a person, what you can overcome and having felt less than strong in some areas of my life recently it's been a really positive boost to have at least managed to get myself over the finish line. I definitely maintain running a marathon in 4 hours is much less painful than running it in nearly 5 hours or longer, so I am in massive admiration of runners smashing sub 3 hour times or those completing it in 6 hours, 7 hours or more - they're all huge achievements.  

My last comment is that this is one bad marathon out of 10 that I've run, so don't let it put you off having a try - the most important thing you can do is train well and plan effectively for your day and listen to your body carefully if it doesn't go to plan for you on the day.

And so I now look to putting to bed the ghost of 2018 and this race and running Liverpool in 7 weeks the marathon that I had to miss last year because of my shoulder - wish me luck!

Things that happen when you start to run more and how to make it easier!

It's January and so I'm currently completing 2 challenges - #REDJanuary or "run every day" January by Mind - although you just have to be active to experience the positive physical and mental benefits of activity on health and I'm also doing #64millionartists which is to do something creative every day.  The art challenge today is "Pen to Paper"

The second week of 2019 is coming to an end. How did your week go? What are you thinking about, and who do you want to tell? Today we challenge you to reach out to someone, and tell them something you’d like to share…whatever that might be!
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Put pen to paper, and write a letter. Write something down that you’ve been meaning to say to someone.

I decided to write a letter to myself about all the things that I wish I'd known before starting running in the hope that it helps others who are on a similar journey.

I was 24 when I decided to start running and I was obese (and had very poor mental health).  I'd always been fairly active, so I didn't really consider the two elements together.  All I knew was that I wanted something to work towards and to do something positive so I signed up for my first Race for life and knew that I'd need to train towards it.

I didn't have any friends who ran, and my partner at the time wasn't a runner so we would go to the gym and I'd spend some time on the treadmill.  At first 10 minutes seemed forever!  I couldn't understand how it was possible for me to run any longer, but over a period of around 3 - 4 months I continued to go to the gym and run on the treadmill.  

I remember at one point my ankles were really sore - would I have to stop?  Was running a 5K just too far for me?  Fortunately I rested for a few days, kept training and they stopped hurting.  I started to learn that when you start moving your body more or in a different way to before, some adjustments and niggles are to be expected and more importantly are normal!  
To give myself the confidence that I'd be able to run a 5K "race" (it wasn't even timed!) one evening I stepped on the treadmill and told myself I couldn't stop for 30 minutes and so I managed to "run" my first 5K although I'm pretty sure there were regular pauses of the treadmill to adjust my hair, re-lace my shoes, change the channel on the telly, take a drink etc.  This did give me confidence that even as an obese and previous non-runner I'd be able to get around the 5K for my Aunty Mary who was in remission from breast cancer at that point.  

Race day was fun, it was an evening in the summer after work, it was at Roundhay Park and it now makes me feel a bit sick, but Jimmy Saville was there cheering all the women on.  I ran the 5K and was caught by the hills as this wasn't something treadmill training prepares you for (I had to walk up them all) and was astonished that there was one woman who had finished ages before me and was cheering all the finishers through (how could she run that fast?!).  I think it was around 25.30 when I finished and I was delighted and hooked on running.

From my first 5K in 2004 I went to my first 10K in 2007 (an hour and 20 that took me) and then ran the Great North Run in 2008 and then as a reaction to turning 30 ran Edinburgh marathon in 2010.  I've now been running for over 14 years and I think sometimes I forget some of the things I discovered about my body as I've run more, trained more and learned a bit more about the psychology of diet and exercise (this was actually a module when I studied a bit of psychology in my first year of Uni!).  So here are some things that I have learned as I've run more as someone who has never as an adult been of a BMI stipulated healthy weight.

Chafing
Men seem to talk about this more than women which is interesting as it seems to generally occur for them in their more intimate areas!  Basically up to 5K you'll probably not have to worry about this too much, but there is a chance that if bits of your body are moving more, then more friction will be created in areas that usually don't have to deal with it and this extra rubbing and extra heat leads to chafing.  This is basically a small friction "burn" on your body and can develop during or after a run and you don't always realise until you get in the shower and the hot water hits it.  

The areas that as a lady you're likely to experience chafing are not necessarily obvious and of course it will differ from person to person, but could include:

• Arms - underneath the top part of your arms which people unkindly refer to as "bingo wings" will likely rub more than usual, even if you don't have "wings".  This happened to me even when running on the gym and the chafing became scabs that then fell of when I was running again!  
• How to solve/prevent - there are lots of expensive products you can buy, but my top tip is simply a dab of vaseline or coconut oil (about £5 from Aldi) where you anticipate rubbing might happen and also wearing a "technical" t-shirt rather than a cotton one decreases the friction.  T'shirts rather than vests will help avoid this too so that bare skin isn't rubbing against fabric.  
• The good news - as you run more, this gets better!  I've even run a whole marathon in a vest with no ill affects!  Even having time off with injury I generally find when I up the miles again that this hasn't really returned, although in prep for particularly long runs I'll always pay attention to lubricating this area before setting off
• Boobs (part 1) - Some women have apparently said that they can't run because their boobs are too big.  That it hurts when they run and they feel sore after a run.
• How to Solve/prevent - I've always been top heavy (ranging from 38DD to a 34G) and it's true that if you don't have the right support it's much more uncomfortable to run and it could be enough to put a new runner off.
• The good news - Fortunately after trial and error I have found there are some great bras out there that are in specific sizes and not just S/M/L etc (I sometimes have to stop myself recommending them to strangers who I can see don't have the right support!) I first of all found that Triumph do some great and competitively priced bras and so this was my go to for years and I still have some that I use regularly.  They reduce the motion and are comfortable to put on.  I have found however that the smoother a bra (or indeed any running clothing) that you can wear, the less chafing will be an issue, so I recently on a trip to New York discovered this amazing bra from Under Armour.  At c£50 it's not cheap, but it will last you well and importantly look after your boobs.  It might be tempting to buy something generically sized from a supermarket for £15, but it's likely to not support you well and won't last as long.  And also going for something that allows you to cross over the straps will make you feel more "secure" as there is nothing more irritating than a bra strap slipping off your shoulder when you are trying to run!  Look after your boobs!
• Boobs (part 2) - as I alluded to above, chafing can happen around your boobs, mostly because we have an extra layer of fabric closer to our skin.  
• How to solve/prevent - As odd as it might feel if you are heading out for a longer run, get the lube out and make sure any bits of your body that are pinched particularly by your bra have a good amount applied - also don't forget your nipples! 
• Thighs - Thigh gaps are very rare and are down to the position of our hips, regardless of what weight I've been the tops of my thighs have always rubbed together.  It's important not to get hung up on your body and how it stores fat, mine I think loves to store it on my thighs!  
• How to solve/prevent - I've sometimes headed out for a run in shorter shorts, but the chafing has been painful!  I have learned through trial and error that these lovely double shorts with a cycle short element under a baggy "over" short work best for me in keeping me cool, but also beneficially have *loads* of pockets!  These are my favourites from Ron Hill Of course lube will help avoid the chafe!
• Lower Back - This one surprised me, I hadn't realised that just putting something in the back pocket of my shorts, or wearing a running band with stuff in would have an impact, but if you do this, there is a good chance that you'll get a nice patch of chafing on your lower back - so again an area not to forget to lubricate before a long run.

Sweat 

"Horses sweat, men perspire and ladies only glow" - what rubbish!  I do think that getting sweaty puts some women off running and this sort of gender rubbish holds us back from our own health and fitness, as there isn't much you can do to stop sweating when running it's all about acceptance.  I don't really wear make up generally which is a good thing as I sweat so much it would be sliding off my face in the first minute!  Nonetheless some women I run with manage to look immaculate, so it can be done...only why not take advantage of the one time people don't care what you look like and go "naked" when you go for your runs?  Your skin will get a great chance to breathe and fresh air is a great facial treatment.  Sweat gets in my eyes and if I'm wearing contacts I struggle to see properly...that means that rain or shine I can be found in a buff which is a headband that covers your ears.  Even in winter I'll be wringing out the sweat (especially from my buff) and it also keeps my ears from getting cold!  Sweat can also be a good thing because it's literally fat melting, if you see camels they don't have water in their humps it's fat cells and when fat cells break down they metabolise into water that becomes sweat.  So if you are trying to reduce fat cells - sweat is a sign that your run is working.

Feet - the one thing that always takes a bit of getting used to when you start to run and up the miles is the impact it can have on your feet.  So here are some suggestions:

• Toenails - Everyone knows about marathon runners losing toenails, it sounds really painful, but the reality is usually not as bad as you fear - it basically is just a bit sore and squishing, then the nail kinda lifts off.  It does grow back don't worry and at my biggest mileage I probably ran around with only 6 complete toenails and not much impact to daily life.  If you have a sore toe end, you can buy a rubber toe cap and that will allow you to keep running and always make sure that you keep your toenails cut short!
• Blisters - The good news...genuinely the more you run, the less you blister!  It's very likely you'll pick up some blisters when you start running as your feet get used to extra friction in shoes that will likely be new to you.  Some people say don't pop, but I have generally done it carefully and used sterile equipment and popped a compeed (fake rubber skin) over the top to protect it.
• Compeed top tips - Compeed is amazing!  When I first started marathon training I ended up with sometimes 3 on each foot, I'd put them on places I knew used to always rub, and even now with my feet of sterner stuff, I run with some spare compeed (top tip the green boxes you can pop in a £20, an antihistamine and anything else small and it's also waterproof).  Compeed does take a few days to fall off again as it's strong stuff, so don't do what I did on a few occasions, stick it over a "live" blister in full swing, then pull it off the next day as layers of skin will come off with it - ouch!  You can also use them to cover up painful underboob chafing areas!
• How to prevent blisters - Good socks - for me it's all about thick walking socks, but for some it's specific running socks or wearing two pairs - this is a bit of trial and error and keep going until you find what works for you.  And again...pop a load of lube on - for me I cover both feet entirely in coconut oil or vaseline (NB. if you are using compeed put them on before you oil up!)

Water

This is not limited to ladies, but when I first started running I was convinced that I always needed to run with loads of water.  There's nothing wrong with this, but carrying an extra 1 litre of water is an extra 1 kg of weight and is something you'll hold in your hand which can throw off your running gait.  

• How to solve/prevent - I encourage as soon as you can to try and see if you can get around a short distance without water - be brave - I wish I had been sooner as I can now more or less do a 10 mile run without needing to lug extra liquid around with me.  The joy of contactless on your phone now also means that you can grab a quick drink if you really need to at lots of shops.  Obviously for an off road run or a longer distance, or indeed a hotter day, bring all the fluid you need (and a bit more!
• The good news - You will very naturally find that the more you run the more you understand your body and how much fluid you need, test out different drinks if you feel like you need energy you can try energy drinks (don't leave it to a race to see what Gatorade does to you!)

Nutrition

Again not limited to ladies, but getting your nutrition right is going to help you as you run more.  The cost of not getting your nutrition right can be tough whether it's stomach cramps, lack of energy, or even just an ill timed toilet break.

• How to solve / prevent - Again we are all individuals so trial and error will help.  It can be a morning routine to make sure you get your "pre race poo" out of the way i.e drink a strong coffee at the right time!  After 14 years I've discovered that if I have porridge with nut butter and syrup I can run for 10 miles and need no additional gels or fuel!  Also be sensible the night before a race - a very spicy or unusual meal will likely make you a bit gassy the morning after and you don't want to be trying to hold in a fart and running at the same time!
• Racing nutrition - Try lots of different things when you run, I used gels for years, but I'd have to carry around 8 for a marathon and they made a mess on my hands and get in my hair.  They are easy to digest and work well for people, however I now love shot bloks as they are easy to consume on the go and don't make a mess.  Some people find that they don't need anything unless it's a really long race, but it's all about trial and error.  I remember nearly having a melt down when I forgot my pre race banana at London Marathon 2015, fortunately I swapped it on the train with a lady for my Nakd bar!
• The good news - the more you run, the more you understand your body and what it needs when you run.  

Clothing

Sports clothes are big business and as running has got more and more popular, so has the choice become bamboozling.  The key things to consider are cost and comfort.

If you are just starting out, a lot of supermarkets have great quality running kit at affordable prices.  Try and buy clothing that is "technical" i.e. wicks sweat away rather than cotton that will get heavy and be less comfortable to run in - lots of races now give away technical t'shirts so if you are planning on running a few, don't spend lots of cash on buying them as you'll soon have more than you'll ever need.

Make sure if you are ever running in darker or more remote roads that you have something "hi vis" you'll hopefully never "need" it, but it's always better to be seen quicker to allow a car to slow down if it needs to.

The good news - you get braver, I used to have a vest, t-shirt and cagoule to run in the inclement cold weather, I'd be aghast at crazy people in shorts and vests running off like whippets.  As you get more comfortable running you'll find you need less clothes!  I now have to remind myself to wear slightly less than I think I need as I always get too warm!

Music and headphones

As I ran more I started to enter races where listening to music was banned - how would I manage 10K with nothing to listen to?!?!  As I started running with more friends I'd made from running club and parkrun I realised that you don't always need music, because actually engaging with your surroundings, your breathing and the people around you is better.  I've now run marathons without listening to anything except the crowd!  Now that I'm a qualified LIRF (Leader in Running Fitness) I also realise that people who have run with us and worn headphones are much harder to give instruction to and keep safe!

If you *have* to listen to music, I recommend either just having one headphone in or investing in some headphones like these that conduct through the bones in your head rather than having all the sounds blocked out.

And finally 

You don't have to run to be fast, you don't have to race, you don't have to run a marathon to be a worthwhile person, do what is right for you as running is so personal to everyone... but if you do get the bug and are interested in improving performance, here are some of the learns that got me from a first marathon time of 4 hours 54 down to 3 hours 47 in 6 years.

How to get faster - So these are some things I have learned.

• Run more  - sounds obvious, but it's like anything to improve takes practice so if you want to run further, build up your distance steadily and if you want to run faster try sessions like intervals to see how your body responds to being pushed harder.  You'll learn what works best for you by practicing and trying new things.
• Join a club or parkrun - I spent so many years running alone (I even used the fact that vests would make my arms chafe as an excuse not to join!) I was nervous - why would a club want someone like me?!?  Thanks to parkrun it's so much easier for runners of all abilities to join running clubs and / or run with others, clubs are much better set up to welcome runners regardless of experience and ability and by running with others, you'll accidentally push yourself harder and find that your running improves naturally.
• Lose weight - As I mentioned earlier I've always been an overweight runner and it's simple physics that if you weigh more it's more effort to move your body over a distance.  I had a diabetes scare in 2014.  My doctor told me I was pre-diabetic and when I asked what I could do to stop this developing he said "Your body makes insulin fine, but you have too many fat cells to absorb it properly, if you lose weight, this will improve" and so I did.  I remember running Snake Lane 10 for in 2015 and realising that I was going far faster than I'd run before in a longer distance and wondering why and then realising it was because I was lighter.  You don't to have a crash diet, or aim to be the bottom of your BMI range, just a little weight loss will make the pressure and impact on your joints easier and make it less like for you to be injured, genuinely you'll feel a benefit with only a couple of pounds.
• Self belief - I've written before about my low self esteem and how being competitive in running both satisfies and feeds this issue, but the one thing that held me back from improving for a long time was that I just didn't believe I could get better.   It was only when I got together with Alan and he helped me with marathon training that I was able to push myself to knock 22 minutes off my marathon time in the 2016 Yorkshire marathon which was over an hour and 7 minutes faster than my first attempt 6 years earlier.  Anyone can get better with the right training, nutrition and most importantly attitude.

Running is such a big part of my life that I love to share things that I've learned and I hope that it helps anyone who is a bit newer.  What are your top tips for newer runners?

Reflections on managing mental health when injured when your main therapy is running!

I started writing a blog post about breaking my shoulder in March and the impact on my mental health, but it's evolved into 2 posts and here is the first, but probably second as it's reflecting on how the injury has impacted my life.

Reflecting on the impact of this injury on last year has allowed me to have some fairly large realisations on my personality and how certain traits feed into my mental health.

In early 2017 I had some CBT therapy that helped me to realise that I have low self esteem.  If you know me, even quite well, that might not be very evident as my low self esteem through my school years, university and into adult life has generally represented itself as competitiveness which to the outside observer would generally appear fairly successful and well adapted behaviour.  

At school I worked extremely hard and at one point our class was told to "stop doing extra homework!" Yes I really was that geeky! I got a good bunch of GCSEs and A-Levels, but I remember looking at the results table for my school and endlessly comparing what I had achieved to everyone else.  By doing this I was trying to tell myself - I'm better than x in my class, so I'm an ok person.  In year 10 I was in the top set for Maths and was at the bottom of the class, my teacher compared my grades to the set below and suggested I might be better suited to moving down, but my best friend was in the top set with me and so I took the opportunity to complete a maths text book on quadratic equations over the summer holidays and happily achieved an A grade.  If I had moved down then it would confirm my fears that I was actually as stupid as I feared.  

After graduating I then started a job in recruitment.  Initially I liked the idea of helping people find jobs as a career and hadn't necessarily appreciated as a more naive graduate that actually it often boils down to a sales job (although you do genuinely get a buzz from getting someone a life changing better job!).  This allowed me another method of validation - if I bill more fees than x colleague, I'm better than them, I'm a worthy person, I hopefully won't get fired (read up on imposter syndrome for more about this fear!)  If I look at my work performances over the past 17 years, frequently my better months/quarters/years correlate very neatly with my poorest points of mental health.

In 2004 at probably my lowest ever point of mental health, I signed up to run a 5K Race for Life for my Aunty Mary who had breast cancer and thankfully then discovered how running and exercise can positively impact mental health.  It is however very easy to fall into the same trap with the amount of easily available race statistics and how you can literally overtake people and say in a race "I'm better than that person I just overtook, so I'm worth something"

I was really worried that with my shoulder I would not be able to run and also would lose an avenue of "validation" as my times got slower.  In reality it's given me a different perspective.

When I was worried I couldn't do something I loved like running for a really long time and I eventually got the chance to run again, I realised that there is something really nice about just being able to run.  To be able to smell the fresh air, feel sun, rain and wind on your face and see some of the beautiful views you only get to see when your own 2 feet take you there.  The opportunity to run with Alan and chat without distractions and run with friends and meet new people.  The opportunity to lead running groups and help others to find the benefits and joy of running.  

It made me realise that gratitude for just being able to run is more important than being uber competitive about your parkrun time and as my Facebook is full of runners, it also made me realise that humility in your own running ability is something to aspire to.  It's great to celebrate success and achievement, but it's worth appreciating that someone getting out of bed when they felt barely able to do so and running a parkrun is probably more of a personal achievement than shaving 2 seconds off your best time.  It's always worth remembering you don't know what is going on in someone's mind and in their life or in their body for that matter.

We live in a world now of constant and inescapable comparison with others.  Thankfully when I was at school I only had 149 others in my year to compare myself against, but now thanks to Instagram, Facebook and Social Media we are bombarded with images of people better looking than us, achieving bigger and better things than us and probably running longer and faster than us.  Does that mean that we are any less as people than before social media?  It really doesn't and the one thing that I have come to value more than anything this year never really makes it onto social media for comparison and that is kindness.

Kindness from those close to me like Alan helping me get dressed and cooking whilst I was one armed, kindness from my friends and family like Jenny taking me home from the hospital for my operation (and lots of offers from friends to do the same) and even from strangers like the lady who picked me up when I was struggling to catch the train and dropped me off at the station.

I'm still competitive, i'll still try and overtake that last person at the finish and beat my best time (now I measure my times in the context of post shoulder injury), but I also run each time appreciating that I don't know what the future holds and to run each run as if it was my last and make it one to remember as I'll always want to remember the joy that just being able to run can give and you'll never know what life might throw at you that might just get in the way of the small things that you never realised gave you so much joy.