Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts

Monday 10 October 2022

World Mental Health Awareness Day

Today is World Mental Health Awareness day and the theme for 2022 is 'Make mental health and wellbeing for all a global priority' and it's been on my "to do" list to write a blog post about this theme for #RunAndTalk for ages, but I've not necessarily been taking my own advice and making writing, something that is very important to me, a priority. However, before it hits midnight...I will get this post out!

With everything that is going on around the world from the cost of living crisis, the war in Ukraine, climate change and the aftermath of covid there is much to make us think that good mental health is just a "nice to have" on top of our basic needs, but in reality the line between physical and mental good health is not really a line at all as the two are so closely interlinked. I was fortunate enough to be invited to #LIFI2022 (by the lovely Claire Booth who sadly couldn't make it on the evening) and watched a panel discussion chaired by Bryony Gordon speaking to Gail Porter, Luke Ambler (Founder of Andy's Man Club), David Harewood and Sarah Hughes CEO of Centre for Mental Health and the topic was "How do we talk about Mental Health?" The conversation and stories shared were incredibly moving, distressing and laugh out loud funny and at the Q&A I was able to ask my question that was as a Mental Health Champion and leader of #runandtalk I was aware supporting people is sometimes tough for an empathetic person and I believe it's important to put your own airmask on first so you can continue to help others. The panel all had great ways to ensure they retained good mental health including, singing, dancing, walking their dog, getting out into green spaces and down the bed with their kids for a big cuddle. (PS I kinda want Sarah Hughes to run as PM as she's so clear and direct on what needs to change to make the bigger improvements we all need! She made the complete point that without our basic needs being met - food, shelter, warmth - then we can't prioritise mental health and that the government and Labour party must do more!)

Like many things, if you don't prioritise your own mental health and the mental health of those close to you it will potentially reach a crisis point when you have no option to take a step back and make it your priority.

I'm not one of those people that is going to tell you that you can "choose your hard" and that you have choice over how to react to any challenges that life throws at you as sometimes you just won't have the mental resilience to do so.  And as much as I love running and know that the benefits to my mental and physical health through being active is immeasurable, I also recognise that some people can't run or be active in the same way and so instead I what I will say is try as hard as you can to every day take 10 minutes to do something that you know is positive towards your mental health and do that - for me it looks like:

📚 10 minutes of reading as I drink my coffee before heading out to work

🏃🏻‍♀️ Going for a walk/run around somewhere green and within daylight (Really important at this time of year to leave the house/office and see the daylight for a few mintues!)

👩‍❤️‍👨🐈‍⬛🐈 Spending time with my husband and cats

🎨🖌10 minutes of arts/craft/creative writing

🙋🏻‍♀️ Volunteering (as a guide leader or run leader)

I often find that a quick few minutes writing in my diary at the end of the day and a few moments planning a short (and importantly achieveable) to - do list helps me prioritise the things that contribute well to my own mental health.

Last week, I also prioritised my mental health by spending some time chatting to a Burn Out Coach This time last year I took two months off work inbetween jobs for a variety of reasons. Reflecting now I could sense at the time I was overwhelmed, but now I know I was definitely burnt out and my personal resilience levels were very limited from both stressful events in relation to my family who live 5 hours drive away and a particularly unpleasant set of events at work that essentially constituted constructive dismissal and meant I had to resign with no role lined up in advance. 

Ultimately I thought that taking 2 months off work would be all I needed to recover, but the persistent low level migraine headaches returned after I'd stopped taking medication and they are still around to this day despite my work situation improving signficantly. 

From my brief conversation I've identified a couple of key things that I'm now more aware of including the fact that it's very easy to focus on what I've not achieved at the end of the working day, rather than the positives and that I potentially have unrealistic expectations of myself on what I *should* manage to get done. I'm trying to now make a note of at least 6 things each day that I have achieved. I am also not great at delegating work which has potentially held me back from progressing my career in the past and my coach identified that re-framing this view as limiting the potential for those in my team to achieve more if I don't give them opportunties to take on extra work. And then ultimately she identified that I can be someone who is sometimes too willing to take on the problems of others, I am a good listener, and even better problem solver, but I'm really not good at telling someone when I need help myself or that I don't have the resilience to support them and can be a bit like a sponge taking on too much for everyone else. Somehow I must try and learn how to ask for help as it's something that I find almost impossible to do.

Investing in my conversation with a Burnout Coach isn't really that different to speaking to a running coach or hiring a personal trainer, but it's a bit harder to identify some tangible benefits and impact they are having as you can see your performance improve/measure your running times more easily in a physical sense.  When it comes to mental health, it's likely we get to quite a far gone point before we'd seek help and support and much like running, if we get that niggle investigated early on it's less likely to become an ongoing issue causing us chronic pain.

Finally as a Mental Health First Aider I would also encourage anyone who feels as though they are at breaking point to reach out to someone and start a conversation and equally anyone who is worried about someone in their life, maybe today invite them out for a walk/coffee/chat as caring for others can be as good for your mental health as it is for theirs. And please please do check on your most helpful and supportive people in your life...there is a good chance they are the worst people to know how to ask for their own help!

As always there are plenty of resources available on the #RunAndTalk page and please reach out if you need any extra help signposting yourself to the right support, or want to know where to signpost someone else.

Saturday 17 October 2020

Not so Isolation Journal - Managing to use our wedding gift Yurt stay...

The past 2 weeks have been quite exhausting with work and so I've struggled to keep things up to date, but I wanted to properly document a lovely trip away that we had to Swaledale Yurts.

When we got married last September, Alan's lovely work colleagues had bought us a few lovely gifts including a voucher for a 2 night stay at Swaledale Yurts as well as a voucher for a meal at The Ivy and a voucher for Alfresco Adventures.  In February we got organised and booked in things like the meal and booked our yurt stay for June not thinking for a minute we would end up where we are now.  Swaledale very kindly moved our booking back in June to October and we were booked for a Friday and Saturday night and had confimed our included hot tub session for 9pm on the first night.

Being more organised than usual the weekend before I'd checked the website for Swaledale and seen that there was a shared kitchen and bathroom facilities, but that you could have hot evening meals and breakfast delivered to your Yurt and you could also order packed lunches if you wanted to.  We decided to order for the Friday evening two portions of steak stew with dumplings and then two shepherds pies for the Saturday night.  I ordered croissants for breakfast for Alan and a bacon baguette for me and a cafitiere of coffee and two orange juices for both mornings.  I emailed our orders over, but on Thursday I'd not had an email back which was unusual so I'd emailed again and had a phonecall straight away from Michelle (one of the owners) to confirm the food was all fine and booked us in for 7pm for our evening meal.

I packed the night before because I knew that my work was going to be full on for Friday and that we'd need to leave at 5pm as it was only 70 miles away, but through lots of cross country roads and estimated around 1 hour 40 to drive to Keld.

We ended up leaving slightly later than planned as I had so much to finish off at work and we didn't have a chance to stop at Wetherby Services for drive through coffee and the sat nav had our ETA at 7pm so it was tight!

Alan drove us up the A1 and then we ended up heading past Catterick Garrison and through loads of windy and hilly roads (I was pleased he was driving, especially as it started to get dark).  We had no mobile phone signal for around 40 minutes, so I couldn't even ring up to let Swaledale know that we might be a few minutes late.

It was just about on time when we arrived (about two minutes past 7pm, very grateful for an accurate sat nav and postcode) and Michelle met us and told us that she'd taken our dinner out of the oven in case it burned.  She pointed out where our Yurt was which was the furthest away from the main barn (and the best location in my opinion!) and it was the blue yurt.  Alan parked up the car and we unpacked and the yurt was lovely and warm with an electric heater plugged in to warm us up.


Moments later our dinner was delivered and it didn't necessarily look as we'd expected - two very substantially sized pyrex dishes with stew and 4 chunky cheesy dumplings on top and they were delicious!  Warming on a cold and rainy night and very flavourful.  I didn't know if I'd be able to finish all of it, but we both did!  We'd brought a bottle of fizz with us, but I'd not spotted we'd need a bottle opener so Alan had to use my nail scissors to dig out the cork and we enjoyed slightly corky sweet fizz out of white mugs.

We set up the bed for the night as there were two single beds with additional beds underneath that you could move next to the single bed to make a double.  There was also a sofa as well as a dining table, 5 chairs a coffee and tea making area ledge, a small fridge and a boot tray.

We then got ready for our hot tub and put our swimming costumes on and some clothes and head torches before heading to the hot tub near the barn.  It was very dark and remote and we got out of our clothes and into the hot tub and Alan turned on the jets.  It's worth mentioning that it felt very Covid secure as there were loads of hand sanitiser points everywhere and lots of space, so even though some of the facilities were shared, we didn't feel worried at all and everything was kept very clean.

Spending nearly the full 90 minutes in the hot tub we listened to the water jets in the hot tub and the waterfall next to the site and watched the stars in the very dark sky.  It was also fun to watch the cars driving along the windy road and their headlights bumping up and down.  

Getting out of the hot tub and was really cold!  We got dressed again quickly and headed back to the Yurt and got into our warm pjamas and tried to get the DVD player working on my laptop, but it wasn't working and so we watched a bit of The Terminal and put a log on the little log burner inside the cabin we were really warm so I turned off the heater and until the morning we were warm enough.

The alarm went off just before 8am the next morning so that I could be awake to take in our delicious breakfast delivery which came on a tray.  Alan enjoyed the croissants that smelled delicious and came with plenty of butter and jam and I ate a white baguette with bacon and lots of ketchup and HP sauce.  The coffee was good and the orange juice made it feel less unhealthy (i.e. at least we had a fruit involved).

It was pouring with rain and so running to the toilet was a mission and it was nice to be cosy back in the yurt listening to the rain thumping down on the roof.  We had a nice after breakfast nap and then woke up and it was stil raining so we opened up the new game I'd bought a few weeks ago and played Sagrada which took us a little while to work out the rules, but was suprisingly quick to pick up and became very addictive.  


As it was still raining hard, we planned our walking time for later that afternoon to avoid getting too wet and so had some cheese, bread and jam and crisps for lunch.  At 2pm the rain had finally calmed down.  We took a look at the maps provided in the guest book and took some photos and headed off up hill first crossing a bridge to admire the strong flowing water that was going behind our yurt.  

We were roughly following one of the routes in the guest book in the Yurt, but in case we got off course we used my Garmin watch to navigate with really good GPS which allows the "navigate to start option" as with no map, compass or working mobile phones we wanted a back up option.  


The first bit of the walk was really steeply up hill and some cyclists giggled as they spotted a rather aggressive 4x4 car ground out on the road.  We took the footpath and walked the ridge behind the yurt site and enjoyed some lovely sunshine as it broke through the clouds.  We didn't pass too many people in the first part although did pass a larger group of people walking all drinking lager and playing music as they walked and then got to a waterfall section with a bench where more people were drinking Red Stripe next to the river.  






















It started to rain a little as we walked on and we passed an abandoned building that I had a look in and also an old tractor that was part of the landscape after many years.   After getting to a point where there was a totally stunning waterfall that almost looked manmade we decided to go back the way we'd come in case the rain got heavier.   

On the other side of a ridge we thought we'd spotted a railway track, but when we took a slightly different route back to Keld we discovered it was this strange path, maybe used by a quarry?  It was really steep!


We got back to the Yurt and decided to check out the private waterfall behind the bunk barn and it was really loud and powerful!

It was around 4 miles in total and I tracked it onto Strava


We settled back into the Yurt and got out of our damp clothes and warmed up and then at 7pm our next dinner arrived - delicious shepherds pie, it doesn't look like much, but was completely delicious!  

I had some red wine to go with it and also heated up apple juice in the communal kitchen for hot apple brandy and dialled into a zoom call for the launch party of a fellow parkrunner George Webster's short film S.A.M. (I had to watch it later as it was a bit hard with little WIFI or phone signal) and I also went back a bit later to heat up milk for hot chocolate although tragically discovered the hot chocolate tin I'd packed in actual fact contained loose tea!

We put a couple of logs onto the fire to keep us warm and went to bed and had a lovely night of sleep.

In the morning it was lovely blue skies and I got up to use the bathroom before coming back to have breakfast that again was delivered to our yurt door.  We had the same as the day before with croissants, a bacon baguette, coffee and orange juice.  

Realising that there was another way of looking at the waterfall, we went around the front of it and it was even more stunning with the sunny morning and hopefully if we ever go back in the summer, we'd be able to do some wild swimming if it's not too powerful!






We paid the bill including an extra log for the fire (you get one complimentary log per night and then it's £3 per extra log) and were really pleased that our voucher had included not only the evening meals, but also a few other bits and so there wasn't as much to pay as we'd anticipated.

I came to the conclusion over the weekend that sometimes in a very stressful and increasingly digital world a bit of time away from phone signal and constant information is really good for my stress levels and mental health.  I thought about Maslow's hierachy of needs and weirdly even though you'd think being further up and having all needs satified would be ideal, it was actually nice to have to focus on the more basic needs of keeping warm and dry for a bit  I also think that the smells of grass, bracken and the outdoors do something to my brain that really calms me.  It was a happy coincidence to be there on World Mental Health Day  

It would have been a different experience to visit in June, we could most certainly have gone swimming, but the Autumn has a special feel to it and it also reminds me of when Alan & I first got together and had our first glamping trip to a tree lodge at Swinton Bivouac.  

Swaledale Yurts has extremely good tripadvisor reviews and I can definitely see why, I really hope that we get a chance to visit again at some point.

Monday 31 August 2020

Isolation Journal 98

We ended up not going to bed properly until around 3am so we woke up about 10am, and just had a lazy morning in bed and got up around 11am, mostly prompted by Maya bringing up a mouse that she'd eaten like an apple with the just a "core" remaining.  I put some washing on and Alan started to make some lunch.  We had a delicious aubergine and okra taco recipe that we'd previously had from Hello Fresh and it was really lovely.   I also hoovered and mopped most of the floors.

We watched Friends and then more Storage Hunters whilst we ate and then we went out for a cycle up to Fairburn Ings and back home via Ledsham.  Annoyingly as my heart rate was low for the 52 mins of cycling it didn't even register as points on my Vitality!  It did change my garmin training status to "peaking" that was positive.

We had hot cross buns and a cup of tea and watched some more Storage Hunters.

When we got back I did some more tidying up and Alan went up for a bath and I went to take the compost out, remembered that I'd not planted my pansies that arrived earlier in the week and so I quickly planted them out in any place I could fit them after doing some weeding, hacking back the artichokes (I needed to saw the stems with a bread knife!) and then removing the old tent greenhouse frame that had gone rusty.

I then cooked the Hello Fresh BBQ and had to swap the chicken as it went out of date on the 28th, the beef was the 29th, but was ok and I made the 2 salads and chicken korma and koftes.  I also made some rice with beans for my lunch so that I'm all safe tomorrow with my own food.  Alan made us a JD and ginger. 

We ate and started to watch Zoolander, but Qubit turned it off by accident and so we watched some John Oliver and Modern Life is Goodish and then I finished off cleaning up the kitchen and changed both sheets on the bed.  I listened to more of "The Wind Up Bird Chronicles" as I was doing the chores.

It's now nearly midnight and I'm feeling pretty anxious aboutt getting enough sleep for work tomorrow, hopefully it should all be ok.

Thursday 20 August 2020

Isolation Journal 87

Today has felt hard, I woke up ok and got signed on for work and went straight into a public sector meeting.  We were also doing a BD day so lots of things to organise, calls to complete.   I had coffee and then I had skyr and granola for breakfast.  Seeing my Mum sharing an ignorant post on facebook set me up for a day of feeling frustrated basically "I don't care if you're gay, but don't rub my face in it" I pointed out that if it wasn't for suffagettes protesting quite violently we wouldn't have the vote as women - she's not replied.

I had a morning of sorting out lots of issues rather than being able to be hugely productive, but then I had a meeting with the other Mental Health Champions and discussed some of the things that we were seeing people experience and discussed concerns about going back to the office.

I made burgers and salad for lunch and Alan had ordered an Amazon Echo Dot clock to entertain us.  I then headed out shortly afterwards to have a smear test at the doctors, I ended up there 10 minutes early and so I had to wait in the car and took a call about rolling out some MH Champions stuff specifically in the North.  

I went into reception at my appointment time and had to then wait outside, the smear was a standard test, I just made sure that I'd worn my mask.  When I got back the veg box order from the Organic Pantry had arrived with carrots, kohl rabi, cabbage, potatoes, yellow courgettes, apples, potatoes, satsumas and bananas.

I had an ice lolly when I got back and then worked through until around 7.30pm and Alan made aubergine tacos from Hello Fresh for tea and we ate at the dining room table.

We went for a walk of about 2K and 30 mins and then I watered the plants and was a bit sad that the potato plants had slightly swamped the carrot seedlings and I'm not sure if they will have survived it.  The tomatoes I planted from 1 cherry tomato at the start of lockdown are now doing really well.  

I came inside and tidied the kitchen and sat down to watch some TV - South Park and Storage Hunters.  My throat is feeling sore, I feel a bit naseous and tired and so I booked myself a Covid test for 8am tomorrow.  I realised today I have 15.5 days of annual leave I need to take still, but Alan only has about 8.


Monday 3 August 2020

Isolation Journal 69

I woke up fairly early at the sound of one of the cat toy flapping fish on the landing, but I managed to fall back to sleep again and then woke up about 9.30am and messed around on my phone until Alan woke up.

I got up and the house was a mess!  It was on the to do list to tidy and so I started tidying whilst Alan made strawberry compot and eggy bread.  I made some coffee and we sat outside to eat.  I planted some of the strawberries that were too far gone to hopefully grow some more strawberry plants.  The kids from number 10 kept leaning over the wall to say hello and their parents kept telling them off, but I didn't mind.

I then worked out how to tie up some of the raspberries that are falling over using some twine and attached it to both a pipe and one of the artichoke stalks.  I did some weeding and pulled up some nettles.  I took all the recycling out and rearranged the bins so that the full ones were at the back next to the wall and the empty ones were easier to access.

I'd been a bit anxious about how to deliver my garmin to Curtis who won it in the auction and I decided to take off Thursday as annual leave and also visit Hayley, I hope that he doesn't mind too much waiting.  He topped up the bid to £50 and I put an extra £25 in to the food bank.

I then set about tidying up the lean to bit next to the porch where the coat rack had fallen down months ago.  I sorted the coats and then found a few things for Alan's work and moved his golf clubs into the garage.  I also found the box of gin bottles with lights that we'd never got around to using at the wedding.  I'd got them ready for the evening, but didn't have time to put them out onto the tables and I still feel a bit sad and guilty about it as one of my friends had gone to the trouble of finding them.  I recycled some of the gin bottles and put the rest in the garage and hopefully I'll be able to use them for a belated 40th party next year at some point.  I downloaded I Heart Vegas by Lindsey Kelk on audible to listen to as I tidied.  I've read 3 of her books previously when my friend Philippa mentioned them too me as Lindsey had stayed with her around 10 years ago in Hollywood as she was friends with our school friend Catherine.  It's easy to digest and fun so far, Lauren has been reading her latest book and tweeted her last week so it reminded me to look up some of her other books.

I made some lunch of salad and cheese and jamon and chutney and again we sat in the garden to eat it and I came back in to carry on tidying up.  Alan fixed the coat rack in the porch.  I got distracted eating the end of my lunch inside watching Catfish and some weird urban explorer stories such as in the Bondi Beach Club in Leeds.

My new keyboard and laptop stand arrived and it's noisy and clacky and shiny and the stand is great too.  I set up my laptop upstairs and worked a bit more on a short story I'd started last night.

I finished off hoovering and mopping the lounge and the kitchen and then at 6.30pm we decided to go out for a cycle with Alan and we went up to Bishopswood which was 9.75K away and then we walked around in the forest for about 40 minutes and then back home.  It was a warm evening and the traffic was nice and quiet.  The wood was  not too busy, we met a few dogs being walked and saw some interesting mushrooms and some lords and ladies. 

When we got back I finished tidying up whilst Alan cooked a Hello Fresh meal - Lamb, cinnamon and feta penne and prepped an apple crumble.   I helped by grating the butter into the flour and making the crumble bit.

I poured us a couple of beers and we watched 2 episodes of Spooks and I finished mopping the floors and I assembled the crumble and put it in the oven and made us a couple of drinks of port.

We finished off watching Peep Show.  It's nearly 10 weeks that I've been journalling, my mental health seems to be positively impacted, but I'm not sure Alan is doing as well and I'm not sure how I can help him.

Sunday 17 May 2020

Thoughts around mental health during the pandemic


In the week commencing the 9th March this year I was pretty anxious.  I'm usually bubbling up and down with a bit of anxiety about most things, it's how my brain is hardwired and fortunately age and experience helps me manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm me as much these days.  

This week was a bit different though because I had my usual travel anxiety of going away on honeymoon to Barbados (we got married in September 2019, but had decided to do a proper break in March 2020), anxiety of leaving a busy recruitment desk for a week, still some anxiety around politics and Brexit, but then this new anxiety about Coronavirus.  I knew that I wouldn't be alone in this anxiety, so I shared my thoughts in a blog post at work and on LinkedIn as I know from my role as a mental health champion within work and within my running club that the biggest issues people tend to face when they've contacted me for a chat is that they feel like they are the only ones with odd and unsettling feelings going through their head.  Just helping people understand that they are not alone and should not feel ashamed about talking about how they are feeling is important.  

As Friday 13th loomed when we were heading down to Gatwick to stay over the night before our flight, I wasn't sure whether we'd get to the airport to be turned around and go back home.  We had a few bottles of hand sanitiser and I was stocked up on vitamins and soap in my luggage.  The Virgin Atlantic staff advised us that Barbados were increasing their quarantine restriction levels and there was a chance we could be quarantined upon arrival for 14 days "but we're only travelling there for 10 days?" the lady shrugged and whispered "I'd still fly if I was you".

The flight was calm and pleasant, we washed our hands more frequently and used hand sanitiser before eating and when we landed they heat scanned us as we got off the plane and interviewed us for our movements and symptoms before we were allowed through immigration.  The hotel had a fair amount of hand sanitiser everywhere and from the first evening to the next the buffets went from being unstaffed to only being allowed to have your food put on your plate by a member of staff.  It was a surreal experience of being in a tropical paradise, getting grief from my Mum to fly back immediately from a coronavirus free country and constantly checking the Foreign & Commonwealth page for updates.  We moved onto another hotel for the second of our 3 days and on the morning we were due to check out we had a missed call from a Gatwick number and Virgin Holidays cancelled our "holiday" (basically the next 3 night hotel booking) as they'd not realised we were already in Barbados.  Alan also had a nervous couple of hours when we thought the call was from the airport parking as the app for his car showed it as unlocked (we did manage to lock it through the app remotely).  We then tried to call Virgin Atlantic to see what the advice on our flight was on the evening of the 22nd March, couldn't get hold of anyone after 1 hour on hold.  Alan checked with the insurance company who said they'd cover us for a return flight as the FCO guidance had changed to no non-essential travel.  We logged onto BA and the first flight we tried to book as we clicked "pay" bounced back as fully booked.  Fortunately we managed to get onto a second flight that day at a cost of £1400 each.  We took a taxi to the airport and emailed the rep to say we'd not be needing the second 3 night hotel booking and wouldn't be attending the catamaran cruise we'd booked.  Whilst this is in the scheme of things a very small inconvenience, as I type this out it makes me feel really sad as it really hits home that it was the end of an extended "normality" we had come to expect and enjoy. 

In the plane poor Alan at 6"4 was crammed into an economy seat for the 9 hour flight back with his legs twisted to fit in.  We sat next to an elderly lady who had been staying in Barbados with friends for an extended break of several months and was due to fly back on the same day we were, but her daughter had booked her onto an earlier flight out of concern and I shared my hand sanitiser with her as we ate our meals.  The way my anxious brain works is that I still think about this very transient acquaintance and hope that she's still ok.

We landed in Gatwick had no checks other than a self service passport scan and collected our luggage.  We found our way to the carpark and set off home picking up Alan's brother's dog on the way as he was staying with a friend whilst his family were on holiday.  Their holiday was also cut short and they had a more complex return.  The roads were busy and the service stations didn't seem to have clicked that people should be socially distancing. 

Since then it's been almost like we've been in a film.  I went on annual leave and haven't been back into the office ever since.  My smart shoes are under my desk at work, my rice cake snacks are in the drawers going stale and I've not seen any of my colleagues in person for over 2 months.  I've not even driven into Leeds at all, in fact in over 2 months I've driven a total of 25 miles and I sometimes go and look at my car to remind myself that it's still there.

At the moment we hear the phrase "we're all in this together" trotted out, but I reflect on this and think of the other analogy used that "we're all in the same storm, but not in the same boat" and feel that is a more true view of the Covid world.  

When Alan and I decided to move in together and we found a house in a more remote rural location of our lovely village in South Milford I don't think we ever imagined that we'd spend all of our time here and quite so much time with each other.  Fresh back from honeymoon we are fortunate that we both love and like each other and so our lockdown together has been relatively conflict free.  We don't have children and so we are able to focus on our own needs without the challenge of balancing household chores, working from home and home schooling.  Many people I've spoken to have described the guilt to me of deciding whether to focus on work or home schooling and until recently whether to go out for their own exercise to clear their head or take a walk with their family - thankfully this situation has been eased a bit with the updated restrictions.  

We have been fortunate that we can get all the groceries that we've needed via the amazing drive through farm shop near by at Bert’s Barrow, click and collect from Tesco as well as our usual evening meals through Hello Fresh.  We are also in a remote location so at anytime of day I can go for a walk or run and social distancing isn't a problem. I'm incredibly grateful that whilst my work and income has suffered as a result of Covid - 19, I still have a job to occupy my time and an income that covers my outgoings.  For me this is a massive comfort as I don't do well with too much time on my hands or without sufficient distractions.  Most of all I'm incredibly lucky that I've been mostly symptom free and in good health and so far most of my family, friends and acquaintances have been too.  However, sadly I know a few people that I know who have both had Covid and have recovered, but also those who have not been as fortunate.  I think about these people often and have no idea of what I can say to offer comfort in these impossibly physically distant times.   

This week is mental health awareness week with a theme of kindness (a major prompt for me to get some sort of blog out at last) and it's also the week I enter a new decade turning 40 on Tuesday.  During my 40 years I've experienced depression, anxiety, OCD and self esteem issues, 8 weeks into lockdown and a global pandemic I'm doing ok.  Back at the beginning of April I read this article and certainly some of what was written really echoed with me - having a long track record of dealing with mental health challenges I have managed to develop a tool kit of skills and methods to help me keep as even a mood as possible.  In brief these are:
  • Regular exercise that has me break a sweat
  • Getting some fresh air, daylight and looking at views/nature
  • Eating as well as I can - fresh fruit and veg and not too much sugar 
  • Avoiding too much caffeine and alcohol
  • Getting a decent amount of sleep
  • Regular social activity with friends
  • Craft / creative outlets (time away from screen)
  • Limiting social media / news
  • Volunteering - spending time focussing on others 
As soon as we arrived back home I knew that I needed to be quite strict about these and so I've generally been sticking close to this plan each week.  I've not necessarily done all of them perfectly, but doing as many as I can as often as I can as I know that if I don't look after myself it's easy to fall into bad habits and then a subsequent bad mood.

One of the universal struggles that I think everyone has is that the old "rule book" has been suspended.  For those of us with self esteem niggles (indeed even those who have never had any self esteem issues may find the current world more difficult) we might have validated ourselves by competing in races or running with friends and knowing that we can keep up with a certain person or in a particular running group.  At work in my recruitment sales job you'd compete with an external competitor and beat them to a candidate or a job and chalk up a fee on the board, or you'd be used to billing the most in an office, a region or a discipline you could be "better" than others or the "best".  In both of these areas we are the *same* people we were before, we are as skilled or fit as we were before and can put in the same amount of effort, but we are likely to not be experiencing the same outcomes.  Does this mean we are no longer worthy?  Does that mean we are all now bad at our jobs or running?  Have we no longer got what it takes to be successful?

Someone once coined the phrase "form is temporary, class is permanent" and I think that is certainly true now.  Individually we can't control what happens with the global response to this virus, we can't control whether the lockdown remains or is lifted and whether this is the *right* thing to do.  We can look out of the window and get angry with those people we see not socially distancing (for this I found this article a very useful read).  We can get in rows with people on social media.  We can get into a spiral of thinking that makes it impossible to step out of the door for a run or pick up the phone and make a call.  Worst of all we can get stuck in a funk without our friends and colleagues noticing and asking how we are or just being around in a better mood to lift our spirits by osmosis. This is one of the hardest things we are likely to face and we must draw on all the resources we have available to help ourselves get thorough it together.  Whilst we are physically distanced it's important to be socially connected.  

I've never before spent quite so much time staring at my own face (or indeed quite so little time wearing no make- up!) on video calls and it is not the same as personal interaction.  I know from my own personal circadian rhythms that my energy levels in the mornings are lower than the afternoons and evenings, but that meetings in person energise me - unfortunately I don't get the same energy boost from a video call and in fact find these can be more energy draining.  However, it's not about beating myself up for feeling this way as we aren't comparing the same things here, it's about working out how to operate more effectively in this strange world.  It's about trying something different and working out what is best for you.  Here are a few ideas about what has helped me with work.
  • As tempting as it is to stumble from bed, into your clothes and in front of the laptop, try and go outside, even if for a few seconds so that you punctuate the start of your day with some natural light and fresh air.
  • Every hour get up and walk away from the screen - usually you'd make a coffee, chat to a colleague, meet a candidate or client or at least stare into the distance - avoid eye strain and general stress.  As a plus you can put the dishwasher on, or stroke your pet!
  • Try to plan your day so you aren't bouncing from video call to video call - it's exhausting, try and plan some activities in that boost your energy levels.
  • Have a decent lunch - again eating outside, getting active or at least getting daylight will help keep your energy levels up.
  • Don't let work bleed too much into your evening - if you have something good happening, don't feel guilty about doing a bit of extra work on it, but if your day hasn't been going as well as you'd hoped don't drag it out feeling more and more frustrated.  Finish your day, plan some easier calls for first thing and get a good night of sleep.
  • If you have something more admin focussed and are finding it hard to concentrate, listen to some music, I find that it "switches on" different parts of my brain.
  • Importantly talk to people.  Usually after that rude or grumpy client call you'd turn to a colleague have a moan and crack on, but instead we can only grumble to the cat who quite frankly probably isn't that bothered!  Don't bottle it up, try and talk regularly to colleagues and your manager about the good and the bad and help support colleagues if you think they are having a tough time.
  • And finally - how do you measure success?  This is a tough one as ultimately my job is still to place candidates, even if I have far fewer jobs to work on, I still need to create revenue.  I've been doing my job long enough to know what a good day of work looks like and how it feels so I'm trying not to be too arbitrary around numbers and just putting in a good day of work and reflecting on what the positives have been - a positive call with a new contact, a hint of a new job that might come live - breaking down all of the component parts and doing them as well as I can.  By controlling what I can, when things do improve, I'll be ready to make the most of the situation.
I don't have all the answers, but I do know that whilst we are physically separated, it's more important than ever to share what we are finding hard, what we have found helps and showing each other we are not all alone.  

It's Mental health awareness weak and the theme is kindness so try your best to remember to be kind to yourself and others.  


Wednesday 2 January 2019

Reflections on managing mental health when injured when your main therapy is running!

I started writing a blog post about breaking my shoulder in March and the impact on my mental health, but it's evolved into 2 posts and here is the first, but probably second as it's reflecting on how the injury has impacted my life.

Reflecting on the impact of this injury on last year has allowed me to have some fairly large realisations on my personality and how certain traits feed into my mental health.

In early 2017 I had some CBT therapy that helped me to realise that I have low self esteem.  If you know me, even quite well, that might not be very evident as my low self esteem through my school years, university and into adult life has generally represented itself as competitiveness which to the outside observer would generally appear fairly successful and well adapted behaviour.  

At school I worked extremely hard and at one point our class was told to "stop doing extra homework!" Yes I really was that geeky! I got a good bunch of GCSEs and A-Levels, but I remember looking at the results table for my school and endlessly comparing what I had achieved to everyone else.  By doing this I was trying to tell myself - I'm better than x in my class, so I'm an ok person.  In year 10 I was in the top set for Maths and was at the bottom of the class, my teacher compared my grades to the set below and suggested I might be better suited to moving down, but my best friend was in the top set with me and so I took the opportunity to complete a maths text book on quadratic equations over the summer holidays and happily achieved an A grade.  If I had moved down then it would confirm my fears that I was actually as stupid as I feared.  

After graduating I then started a job in recruitment.  Initially I liked the idea of helping people find jobs as a career and hadn't necessarily appreciated as a more naive graduate that actually it often boils down to a sales job (although you do genuinely get a buzz from getting someone a life changing better job!).  This allowed me another method of validation - if I bill more fees than x colleague, I'm better than them, I'm a worthy person, I hopefully won't get fired (read up on imposter syndrome for more about this fear!)  If I look at my work performances over the past 17 years, frequently my better months/quarters/years correlate very neatly with my poorest points of mental health.

In 2004 at probably my lowest ever point of mental health, I signed up to run a 5K Race for Life for my Aunty Mary who had breast cancer and thankfully then discovered how running and exercise can positively impact mental health.  It is however very easy to fall into the same trap with the amount of easily available race statistics and how you can literally overtake people and say in a race "I'm better than that person I just overtook, so I'm worth something"

I was really worried that with my shoulder I would not be able to run and also would lose an avenue of "validation" as my times got slower.  In reality it's given me a different perspective.

When I was worried I couldn't do something I loved like running for a really long time and I eventually got the chance to run again, I realised that there is something really nice about just being able to run.  To be able to smell the fresh air, feel sun, rain and wind on your face and see some of the beautiful views you only get to see when your own 2 feet take you there.  The opportunity to run with Alan and chat without distractions and run with friends and meet new people.  The opportunity to lead running groups and help others to find the benefits and joy of running.  

It made me realise that gratitude for just being able to run is more important than being uber competitive about your parkrun time and as my Facebook is full of runners, it also made me realise that humility in your own running ability is something to aspire to.  It's great to celebrate success and achievement, but it's worth appreciating that someone getting out of bed when they felt barely able to do so and running a parkrun is probably more of a personal achievement than shaving 2 seconds off your best time.  It's always worth remembering you don't know what is going on in someone's mind and in their life or in their body for that matter.

We live in a world now of constant and inescapable comparison with others.  Thankfully when I was at school I only had 149 others in my year to compare myself against, but now thanks to Instagram, Facebook and Social Media we are bombarded with images of people better looking than us, achieving bigger and better things than us and probably running longer and faster than us.  Does that mean that we are any less as people than before social media?  It really doesn't and the one thing that I have come to value more than anything this year never really makes it onto social media for comparison and that is kindness.

Kindness from those close to me like Alan helping me get dressed and cooking whilst I was one armed, kindness from my friends and family like Jenny taking me home from the hospital for my operation (and lots of offers from friends to do the same) and even from strangers like the lady who picked me up when I was struggling to catch the train and dropped me off at the station.

I'm still competitive, i'll still try and overtake that last person at the finish and beat my best time (now I measure my times in the context of post shoulder injury), but I also run each time appreciating that I don't know what the future holds and to run each run as if it was my last and make it one to remember as I'll always want to remember the joy that just being able to run can give and you'll never know what life might throw at you that might just get in the way of the small things that you never realised gave you so much joy.

Monday 17 April 2017

An Anxious Extrovert and running...

I injured my hamstring in a stupid drunken dancing competition at our work Christmas party on the 14th December last year.  Since then I've gone from a form where I managed to PB every distance I've ever run in 2016 (1 mile, 5K, 10K, 10 mile, Half Marathon and Marathon) to my first run back being an incredibly painful and slow flat parkrun at Pontefract that took me more than 10 minutes slower than my usual times.  It was my fault and I've certainly paid the price for being a bit tipsy and over exuberant.

I'm incredibly competitive in pretty much everything I do and I am generally rushing around getting things done, so to have to slow down and recover has been tough for me both physically and mentally.  (I make it sound like it was worse than it was - I was limping for a fair few weeks and had to ice it for the first few days.)  I'm pleased to say that after a fair few physio sessions, lots of leg exercises (could do more), encouragement from Alan, Hyde Park Harriers and lots of other friends and family I haven't gone completely mad and I'm managing to chip in reasonable (if still painful) running performances again.

So what has any of this got to do with being an Anxious Extrovert?

After coming off being on antidepressants for 12 years in June 2013 running has been my therapy.  It's not the only thing that keeps me with a good state of mental health, but I know that in no particular order I have to concentrate on the following things to make sure I keep healthy:
  • Regular exercise where I sweat for at least 20 minutes for around 3 - 6 times a week
  • Regular contact with loved ones, friends, family
  • Reasonable sleep - i.e. at least 6 hours a night
  • Eating well - balanced meals with fresh fruit and veg
  • Not overdosing on caffeine or alcohol - small amounts are fine
  • Getting time outside in the fresh air
  • Yoga and or some sort of meditation/mindfulness at least once a week
  • Having Willow (and all my other lovely pets before her)
  • Keeping some sort of journal from time to time
  • Not letting work take up too much of my time
  • Doing something a bit creative from time to time
It's quite a long list, but I find if I miss out bits of it for too long, my mood dips considerably. I used to think that it would be easy to tell if my mood was "dipping", but sometimes it creeps up on me, I'll find myself in the middle of a task staring off into space, or leaping from one task to another to another and another...achieving nothing in the space of a few hours.   I'm fairly well practiced in making sure I stay on top of depression as I've described above, but what I'd not appreciated was a "side effect" of long term anti-depressant use was that it meant for around 12 years I never really had to process or learn to deal with anxiety.

After a few obvious triggers of life changing events like moving house coupled with the reduction in running, I found myself at the start of the year experiencing high levels of anxiety and being a bit at a loss of how to make them reduce.  

I've recently seen a few posts on Facebook explaining what anxiety feels like to different people and I've got my own examples here are a few.
  • I bumped shoulders with a colleague in the kitchen at work about 6 months ago when I was half asleep, I still feel bad about it and think about it now.
  • As I'm falling asleep my body twitches me awake again - like those dreams you have when you are falling and it wakes you up.
  • I think about a scenario I'm a little worried about, and it whirs around and around in my head getting worse and more catastrophic the more it spins - which can be as small as trying to decide what to pack for a day at the beach.
Usually a good dose of running and keeping busy has been enough to stave off depression and anxiety, but without being able to run as much as I usually have done it's been a bit harder to shake.

So let's get to explaining my Anxious Extrovert phrase.  Some of you might have heard of Myers Briggs and about 4 years ago I had my personality type outlined with this as an ENFP (I could bang on about how much I love Myers Briggs, but I'll maybe save that for another time) The "E" is extroversion - it was my strongest preference and you can see by how much in this picture below.


The "E" doesn't mean that someone is the most obviously loud confident type of person that we often associate the word "Extrovert" to mean, but more that it is their preferred style of how they get "energy" from the world - i.e. if they are tired will they push through and go to that party to see their friends or will they go home and watch Netflix alone under a blanket?  

One of the things that I've noticed recently is that I've not been as socially active as usual and it's not that I've not wanted to be, more that I've perhaps allowed the anxiety to rule me a bit too much and not pushed forward with arranging social things as frequently.  I'm extremely grateful that I've got things like parkrun, run club, Guides and other good friends who will continue to help me create a structure in my life that forces me to not retreat too far and let anxiety win.  If I turn down too many social invitations, then I won't get invited and then I get less energy from the people around me - I want to break that cycle before it starts up!

I guess the challenge I'm finding is that on the surface I will look and behave as "normal", but inside my head I'm wasting precious brain power on the incessant whirring of thoughts.  

For me, one of the best things about running is that you are forced to be at least a bit "mindful" and present in the moment and it means that annoying whirring part of your brain has to get shoved to the back of your head for a while to allow you to focus on your run.  I find this to be especially true of a trail race such as yesterday at Guiseley Gallop; you have to look down at the ground at the tree roots and rocks and plan ahead where you are going to put your feet to avoid a taking a tumble.  

During the race yesterday I managed to not only stay on my feet (I'm well known for my clumsy running incidents), but also had the chance during the 10K of trail to process a few thoughts including my conclusion that I'm currently an Anxious Extrovert and also that one of my biggest discoveries when I had my Myers Briggs done was that - Not everyone sees the world in the same way as I do.  This was a revelation for me at the time and as basic as it seems I still need to remind myself that just because I make a conclusion or an inference of a situation, the reality and perception could be completely different to someone else.  Maybe the fact I've not been as sociable will lead people to think I'm generally being rude, or maybe they've not even noticed (there's that anxiety again), but what about if I tell them?  Then at least they might have an idea of what's going on.  Maybe they have similar challenges, but don't want to say anything?  Mental health issues still have that "stigma" of weakness attached to them.  I might not see the world the same as everyone, but maybe someone else is struggling with anxiety or depression and hasn't tried running or exercise?  

I'm fortunate to have discovered parkrun, Hyde Park Harriers as well as other important running friends (yes Alan!) that give my weeks a rhythm and routine of exercise (injuries permitting) and I'm really pleased that movements like #runandtalk are there and hopefully will help people find other ways to manage their mental health successfully.