In the week commencing the 9th March this year I was pretty anxious. I'm usually bubbling up and down with a bit of anxiety about most things, it's how my brain is hardwired and fortunately age and experience helps me manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm me as much these days.
This week was a bit different though because I had my usual travel anxiety of going away on honeymoon to Barbados (we got married in September 2019, but had decided to do a proper break in March 2020), anxiety of leaving a busy recruitment desk for a week, still some anxiety around politics and Brexit, but then this new anxiety about Coronavirus. I knew that I wouldn't be alone in this anxiety, so I shared my thoughts in a blog post at work and on LinkedIn as I know from my role as a mental health champion within work and within my running club that the biggest issues people tend to face when they've contacted me for a chat is that they feel like they are the only ones with odd and unsettling feelings going through their head. Just helping people understand that they are not alone and should not feel ashamed about talking about how they are feeling is important.
As Friday 13th loomed when we were heading down to Gatwick to stay over the night before our flight, I wasn't sure whether we'd get to the airport to be turned around and go back home. We had a few bottles of hand sanitiser and I was stocked up on vitamins and soap in my luggage. The Virgin Atlantic staff advised us that Barbados were increasing their quarantine restriction levels and there was a chance we could be quarantined upon arrival for 14 days "but we're only travelling there for 10 days?" the lady shrugged and whispered "I'd still fly if I was you".
The flight was calm and pleasant, we washed our hands more frequently and used hand sanitiser before eating and when we landed they heat scanned us as we got off the plane and interviewed us for our movements and symptoms before we were allowed through immigration. The hotel had a fair amount of hand sanitiser everywhere and from the first evening to the next the buffets went from being unstaffed to only being allowed to have your food put on your plate by a member of staff. It was a surreal experience of being in a tropical paradise, getting grief from my Mum to fly back immediately from a coronavirus free country and constantly checking the Foreign & Commonwealth page for updates. We moved onto another hotel for the second of our 3 days and on the morning we were due to check out we had a missed call from a Gatwick number and Virgin Holidays cancelled our "holiday" (basically the next 3 night hotel booking) as they'd not realised we were already in Barbados. Alan also had a nervous couple of hours when we thought the call was from the airport parking as the app for his car showed it as unlocked (we did manage to lock it through the app remotely). We then tried to call Virgin Atlantic to see what the advice on our flight was on the evening of the 22nd March, couldn't get hold of anyone after 1 hour on hold. Alan checked with the insurance company who said they'd cover us for a return flight as the FCO guidance had changed to no non-essential travel. We logged onto BA and the first flight we tried to book as we clicked "pay" bounced back as fully booked. Fortunately we managed to get onto a second flight that day at a cost of £1400 each. We took a taxi to the airport and emailed the rep to say we'd not be needing the second 3 night hotel booking and wouldn't be attending the catamaran cruise we'd booked. Whilst this is in the scheme of things a very small inconvenience, as I type this out it makes me feel really sad as it really hits home that it was the end of an extended "normality" we had come to expect and enjoy.
In the plane poor Alan at 6"4 was crammed into an economy seat for the 9 hour flight back with his legs twisted to fit in. We sat next to an elderly lady who had been staying in Barbados with friends for an extended break of several months and was due to fly back on the same day we were, but her daughter had booked her onto an earlier flight out of concern and I shared my hand sanitiser with her as we ate our meals. The way my anxious brain works is that I still think about this very transient acquaintance and hope that she's still ok.
We landed in Gatwick had no checks other than a self service passport scan and collected our luggage. We found our way to the carpark and set off home picking up Alan's brother's dog on the way as he was staying with a friend whilst his family were on holiday. Their holiday was also cut short and they had a more complex return. The roads were busy and the service stations didn't seem to have clicked that people should be socially distancing.
Since then it's been almost like we've been in a film. I went on annual leave and haven't been back into the office ever since. My smart shoes are under my desk at work, my rice cake snacks are in the drawers going stale and I've not seen any of my colleagues in person for over 2 months. I've not even driven into Leeds at all, in fact in over 2 months I've driven a total of 25 miles and I sometimes go and look at my car to remind myself that it's still there.
At the moment we hear the phrase "we're all in this together" trotted out, but I reflect on this and think of the other analogy used that "we're all in the same storm, but not in the same boat" and feel that is a more true view of the Covid world.
When Alan and I decided to move in together and we found a house in a more remote rural location of our lovely village in South Milford I don't think we ever imagined that we'd spend all of our time here and quite so much time with each other. Fresh back from honeymoon we are fortunate that we both love and like each other and so our lockdown together has been relatively conflict free. We don't have children and so we are able to focus on our own needs without the challenge of balancing household chores, working from home and home schooling. Many people I've spoken to have described the guilt to me of deciding whether to focus on work or home schooling and until recently whether to go out for their own exercise to clear their head or take a walk with their family - thankfully this situation has been eased a bit with the updated restrictions.
We have been fortunate that we can get all the groceries that we've needed via the amazing drive through farm shop near by at Bert’s Barrow, click and collect from Tesco as well as our usual evening meals through Hello Fresh. We are also in a remote location so at anytime of day I can go for a walk or run and social distancing isn't a problem. I'm incredibly grateful that whilst my work and income has suffered as a result of Covid - 19, I still have a job to occupy my time and an income that covers my outgoings. For me this is a massive comfort as I don't do well with too much time on my hands or without sufficient distractions. Most of all I'm incredibly lucky that I've been mostly symptom free and in good health and so far most of my family, friends and acquaintances have been too. However, sadly I know a few people that I know who have both had Covid and have recovered, but also those who have not been as fortunate. I think about these people often and have no idea of what I can say to offer comfort in these impossibly physically distant times.
This week is mental health awareness week with a theme of kindness (a major prompt for me to get some sort of blog out at last) and it's also the week I enter a new decade turning 40 on Tuesday. During my 40 years I've experienced depression, anxiety, OCD and self esteem issues, 8 weeks into lockdown and a global pandemic I'm doing ok. Back at the beginning of April I read this article and certainly some of what was written really echoed with me - having a long track record of dealing with mental health challenges I have managed to develop a tool kit of skills and methods to help me keep as even a mood as possible. In brief these are:
- Regular exercise that has me break a sweat
- Getting some fresh air, daylight and looking at views/nature
- Eating as well as I can - fresh fruit and veg and not too much sugar
- Avoiding too much caffeine and alcohol
- Getting a decent amount of sleep
- Regular social activity with friends
- Craft / creative outlets (time away from screen)
- Limiting social media / news
- Volunteering - spending time focussing on others
One of the universal struggles that I think everyone has is that the old "rule book" has been suspended. For those of us with self esteem niggles (indeed even those who have never had any self esteem issues may find the current world more difficult) we might have validated ourselves by competing in races or running with friends and knowing that we can keep up with a certain person or in a particular running group. At work in my recruitment sales job you'd compete with an external competitor and beat them to a candidate or a job and chalk up a fee on the board, or you'd be used to billing the most in an office, a region or a discipline you could be "better" than others or the "best". In both of these areas we are the *same* people we were before, we are as skilled or fit as we were before and can put in the same amount of effort, but we are likely to not be experiencing the same outcomes. Does this mean we are no longer worthy? Does that mean we are all now bad at our jobs or running? Have we no longer got what it takes to be successful?
Someone once coined the phrase "form is temporary, class is permanent" and I think that is certainly true now. Individually we can't control what happens with the global response to this virus, we can't control whether the lockdown remains or is lifted and whether this is the *right* thing to do. We can look out of the window and get angry with those people we see not socially distancing (for this I found this article a very useful read). We can get in rows with people on social media. We can get into a spiral of thinking that makes it impossible to step out of the door for a run or pick up the phone and make a call. Worst of all we can get stuck in a funk without our friends and colleagues noticing and asking how we are or just being around in a better mood to lift our spirits by osmosis. This is one of the hardest things we are likely to face and we must draw on all the resources we have available to help ourselves get thorough it together. Whilst we are physically distanced it's important to be socially connected.
I've never before spent quite so much time staring at my own face (or indeed quite so little time wearing no make- up!) on video calls and it is not the same as personal interaction. I know from my own personal circadian rhythms that my energy levels in the mornings are lower than the afternoons and evenings, but that meetings in person energise me - unfortunately I don't get the same energy boost from a video call and in fact find these can be more energy draining. However, it's not about beating myself up for feeling this way as we aren't comparing the same things here, it's about working out how to operate more effectively in this strange world. It's about trying something different and working out what is best for you. Here are a few ideas about what has helped me with work.
- As tempting as it is to stumble from bed, into your clothes and in front of the laptop, try and go outside, even if for a few seconds so that you punctuate the start of your day with some natural light and fresh air.
- Every hour get up and walk away from the screen - usually you'd make a coffee, chat to a colleague, meet a candidate or client or at least stare into the distance - avoid eye strain and general stress. As a plus you can put the dishwasher on, or stroke your pet!
- Try to plan your day so you aren't bouncing from video call to video call - it's exhausting, try and plan some activities in that boost your energy levels.
- Have a decent lunch - again eating outside, getting active or at least getting daylight will help keep your energy levels up.
- Don't let work bleed too much into your evening - if you have something good happening, don't feel guilty about doing a bit of extra work on it, but if your day hasn't been going as well as you'd hoped don't drag it out feeling more and more frustrated. Finish your day, plan some easier calls for first thing and get a good night of sleep.
- If you have something more admin focussed and are finding it hard to concentrate, listen to some music, I find that it "switches on" different parts of my brain.
- Importantly talk to people. Usually after that rude or grumpy client call you'd turn to a colleague have a moan and crack on, but instead we can only grumble to the cat who quite frankly probably isn't that bothered! Don't bottle it up, try and talk regularly to colleagues and your manager about the good and the bad and help support colleagues if you think they are having a tough time.
- And finally - how do you measure success? This is a tough one as ultimately my job is still to place candidates, even if I have far fewer jobs to work on, I still need to create revenue. I've been doing my job long enough to know what a good day of work looks like and how it feels so I'm trying not to be too arbitrary around numbers and just putting in a good day of work and reflecting on what the positives have been - a positive call with a new contact, a hint of a new job that might come live - breaking down all of the component parts and doing them as well as I can. By controlling what I can, when things do improve, I'll be ready to make the most of the situation.
It's Mental health awareness weak and the theme is kindness so try your best to remember to be kind to yourself and others.
Lovely read as usual. I remember being all those places (mentally) and without Covid to complicate it even further. We can all make time to be kind to ourselves too. And that's first! Then you can make some kindness for everyone else. <3
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