Isolation and Not so Isolation Journals 116, 117, 118, 119 and 120

116 - Friday was a whirlwind, Rachel was back from holiday and I had a short period of time to quickly handover with her before another call at 9am to discuss additional Covid protocols in the office and then I had another interview with a candidate and then a very busy day prepping for not being around for 2 days next week.  I had a catch up with Katie and Rachel for my handover and then I finally finished up around 9pm having had to upload all the CVs for my retainer and send all the links for the Hinterviews.  I also had a dilemna about what to do with a particular role, but I came up with a workable solution in the end thankfully.  We then had a late dinner of takeaway Chinese which did take ages to arrive and then I was very tired and went to bed after I think watching some more Dave on TV.  I also eventually managed to finally order a present for him at last and ordered a personalised OS map (paper!) centred on where we got married at North Shire.

117 - Saturday - we woke up and Alan decided to tell me that we had to go and "collect" my anniversary present from somewhere in South Yorkshire, so we had some coffee and some quick cereal and set off and he drove down the A1 and eventually after a guessing game I managed to guess Worksop as where we were going.  We got there after around an hour and he'd sponsored an area of woodland for me at Hannah Park via the Woodland Trust which was a lovely present.  We wondered around and found the patch that was dedicated and it was a lovely place with lots of different types of trees and birds and lots of people walking their dogs.  Amusingly as we walked towards the entrance there was a friendly little dog that kept saying hello and I was almost convinced that Alan had adopted it for me!  We drove back home and then had a relax at home with an idea that I wanted us to head back to Eccup Resevoir where we ran our first "date" 5 years ago.  We got there fairly late on in the afternoon, but had estimated we'd have enough time to be able to get around before sunset and we just about managed it with a jog walk around the 4 miles.   We got home and then I made tea which was a Hello Fresh spicy veggie coconut curry soup and I also prepped some of the very many apples that our neighbour Anna had kindly given us for the Apple and Roasted Garlic chutney  I then tidied as much as I could and organised things for travelling to North Shire tomorrow after making 5 litres of the chutney and putting it all in jars - it was past 1am by the time that I came to bed.  I cleaned the fridge so that I could ask our neighbour who was feeding the cats to put the milk away for us.  

118 - Sunday - I woke up at a reasonable time and spent a good chunk of time tidying and cleaning the house after packing and we set off to drive to Bempton Cliffs and I drove in Alan's car.  It's not far, but lots of slow winding roads and took us over an hour and a half to get there.  The weather was calm, but not too sunny or windy and we strolled along the edges of the cliffs and saw a fisherman who had scaled down the cliffs to fish, lots of gannets and a potential seal (fortuantely we'd brought the binoculours this time!) we stopped off and I had a sandwich and Alan some millionaires shortbread (he was disappointed that it was vegan) and a couple of teas and then Alan drove us to North Shire and we arrived just after 4.30pm.  We walked straight to Hagrids and the key was in the lock for us and we settled in and ended up cooking some pizza for tea, drinking the champagne that my work colleagues all bought for us when we got engaged.  We watched Dave and started a very hard 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle which was extremely tricky!

119 - Monday - the weather was lovely when we woke up and we made breakfast which took a while in the convection oven - we baked sausage and black pudding for about an hour and ate it with tiger bread and BBQ sauce outside and enjoyed the lovely sunny day that wasn't quite as warm as our actual wedding was exactly a year ago.  I wanted to go for a run and suggested I could do that whilst Alan had a bath, but then I'd also suggested that we visited Runswick Bay as we'd never been in any of the times that we'd visited North Shire and so we drove out and it was only about 13 minutes drive.  We found a car park that unfortunately had a broken card machine and so we put all the coins I had into the machine and got an hour, but we weren't sure if that would be enough, luckily I spotted that you could use the Ringo app to pay and we took a picture in case we needed more time.  It's a really stunning beach although a good steep walk down, and quiet as no busy shops or food stalls and so we walked along paddling in the sea and looked at the rock pools and saw different seaweed, anemones, little fish, crabs and later on Oystercatchers.  We then moved inland so that Alan could sit and sort out the parking and spotted a load of rocks that had fossils in them, we tapped away and found some great ammonites and also found some fools gold.  We then started to head back up the beach and spotted a crack next to a water fountain and a chap told us that it was 300 steps up to the top, so we climbed up the cliff path and looked at the stunning view.  We then had to top up the parking again and headed back up to the car.  Once we got to the car I was craving fish and chips, but couldn't find any on the way although we did stop at a COOP and I grabbed salad leaves, lollies, drinks and raspberries and it was the first proper shop I'd been in ages and no one was doing the one way system right!  We got to the fish and chips place I'd found on the map, but it was closed, but Alan spotted it on Just Eat and so we decided to try and order later.  We got back and it was still lovely and warm and we bumped into the new manager and had a chat about how business had been for them in the past few months and the fact that they weren't doing a pick a pumpkin patch again this year as it was too stressful last year!  I went for a run and explored a few of the little public footpaths and found that the road wasn't too good to run along, but managed to clear 4 miles in a decent time and then got in the lovely copper bath for a relax and Alan ordered us fish and chips for delivery.  We did more work on the jigsaw and then ate fish and chips outside, the peacocks were after me and I managed to spill the gravy and peas on the floor and Alan had to keep chasing them away!  We had some nice pink Moet with our dinner and watched the sunset and then went inside to watch a DVD - Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and then move Dave and struggled with the light on the jigsaw puzzle before I rested on the sofa and started to fall asleep.

120 - Tuesday - we had planned to walk up Roseberry Topping today, but Alan woke up with ear ache and feeling rubbish so we relaxed at Hagrid and I tidied up, packed and had breakfast and then at 11am we checked out and I drove us home as Alan wasn't feeling good and didn't even eat breakfast.  It took about an hour and 40 mins to get home and at one point an angry Network Rail van driver beeped and gestured at me as I stopped at a roundabout before driving on!  When we got back we unpacked and Alan went almost straight away up to bed for the rest of the day.  I tidied and unpacked and then dealt with a few work bits whilst watching The Social Dilemma which was really though provoking and made me turn off a lot of my notificatios.   I then went for a run - I had time and daylight so I decided to do 10k which I managed in 53 mins and 9 seconds which is probably the fastest all year and I then decided to run for a full hour and managed nearly 7 miles.  I managed to listen to a further 1 hour of the Wind Up Bird Chronicles and only have 2 hours to go!  I'm behind by about 7 miles from my 1000 mile target so I'm hoping I can catch up over the next few days/weeks.  I came back and had a bath and read some more of Fabulous and only have 1 story left to go.  I bottled some more Kombucha and watched the 8pm speech from the Prime Minister which is a bit odd as now he's saying if you can work from home to work from home, so I'm not sure what the means for me, although our company line is that we work better in offices so to try and continue to be in the office, so I'm going in tomorrow, much to Alan's frustration.  I made a jacket potato and salad for dinner and ate it watching Great British Bake Off and made some lunch for tomorrow and found bugs living in the tiger bread and so had to throw that out.  I'd managed to get Alan to eat some strawberries, raspberries and cream, but he's still feeling poorly.

"Reader, I asked him" - how parkrun lead me to change my mind about wanting to get married again

On Saturday I got engaged to my partner Alan.  It was a really special occasion and I wanted to write about how it came to pass, how it went and how we both felt afterwards.

I have been married before. I was with my ex for nearly 12 years and married for around 4 years.  If I had been wiser and braver I might have made some different choices about that relationship, but it eventually ended when both of us were extremely unhappy and with very poor mental health.  

Having been in a relationship since I was 20, I found myself in 2013 as a newly single woman in her early 30s feeling   clueless about "dating".  I decided to do some research and I read some books about dating including "The Rules" by  Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt.  They made me feel even less equipped to enter the world of "dating" not least the complicated world of "online dating".  In the most basic distillation of the advice I took from these books it was basically "as a woman never make the first move (don't even look at a man first!)" and that if someone isn't bothered, they're not bothered and don't waste your energy chasing it (which I guess does make some sense.)

In the following couple of years I went on quite a few dates that would probably serve as a humorous book if I were to write them all down from the guy who lied about his name, age (by 10 years) and having a job and then asked to borrow money from me through to the guy who started too go cold on me (He just clearly wasn't that into me!) and so when he explained why and told me it was because "he would have killed for a garden like mine and would never have let it turn into an overgrown nature reserve" I came to the realisation that online dating in particular is just a bit badly thought out and wasn't really going to find me the sort of person I wanted to be spending my life with.  

Compare online dating to online shopping - you have a list of criteria you are looking for say to book a holiday and you can search for all those elements and see what other people thought of a particular hotel and provider, there are reviews of the service to validate what you are buying.  You can make a considered purchase and worst case scenario - most of the time you can take it back for a refund or buy another one if the reality doesn't match up to expectations.   Not so with dating, the nearest you can get to a "review" is on the "My Single Friend" site which has friends recommend their "single friend" which is obviously slightly biased  You have to take a leap of faith and meet someone who you likely wouldn't bump into in real life.  This situation also affords them the opportunity to behave terribly with no consequences from the community around them.  

Then we come to the perception of infinite choice - if you think meeting a perfect match online is simply finding someone who ticks all of your "wish list" then you'll most likely be looking forever because for every "must like dogs" and "must look like Brad Pitt" you can tick off, you'll never have thought about the unique things that make us all human like "must have those cute tiny creases around their eyes when they smile so it looks like their eyes are twinkly" and those "must have big hands that annoyingly spill stuff everywhere when they cook"...but you don't mind because you love all of them (yes I'm talking about Alan!).  

In August 2015 I deleted all my dating apps because it wasn't good for my mental health to be continually comparing people on superficial qualities and it wasn't good for me to be constantly compared either.  I also read another dating book "Get the Guy" by Matthew Hussey and it gave me a slightly different perspective on things which was "don't obsess over trying to meet *the one* instead just enjoy meeting different new people.  People who can introduce you to other people and will allow you the chance to develop feelings more naturally over time rather than in a pressurised face to face over a coffee.  I also went to see a palm reader on a trip to India and whilst I didn't (and don't!) believe in the truth in what they say, he did something interesting and told me I would meet my next partner between 19/08/16 and 19/09/17 and so it made me think "why am I trying to force this, is it so bad if actually I stop putting pressure on myself and know I might not meet someone immediately?"

When I got back home after my trip, I went running with my friend from Hyde Park Harriers - Sam Scarlett who mentioned to me that she thought I would get on well with her friend Alan who she'd met at parkrun and I'm guessing had a similar conversation with him as shortly afterwards I had a Facebook friend request from him.  I accepted and when I was putting a shout out to try and find someone to keep me company on a 20 mile training run he offered instead to meet me after parkrun for around 15 miles as he was travelling to New York on the Sunday and wanted to get in his marathon training miles before the Yorkshire marathon.  We agreed to meet up and go for a run together after parkrun.

(I must confess at this point that I had actually seen Alan's profile on one of the online dating sites, but despite thinking he looked lovely, I had moved past it as I was so weary with online dating and also I think I was too old for his age criteria at that point!).

I am so glad that I got a second chance to meet Alan!  So thankful for parkrun!
We first met after a fast 5K parkrun at Woodhouse Moor parkrun.  parkrun has been life changing for me in many ways, I first started running back in 2004 when I entered a "Race for Life" event to raise money for Cancer Research and it was amazingly beneficial to both my mental and physical health.  I moved up to a 10K in 2007, a half marathon in 2008 and then a marathon in 2010, but I only discovered parkrun in 2014 after my friend Gemma invited me to her birthday parkrun.  About 6 months before I'd been mugged and my marathon training had ended up being solely on treadmills as I had no confidence to run outside by myself anymore.  I realised that this friendly place called parkrun (which was also free!) meant that at least I could run outside once a week and not feel scared.

Alan walked over to me at the finish after I'd had my barcode scanned and we will have both been sweaty on a very warm September morning.  We set off in my car to Eccup Reservoir and did a couple of laps chatting all the way around.  At one point I had to stop for a pit stop in a bush which is probably not a conventional thing to do on a first date and certainly against "The Rules"!  We called it a day after 12 miles as it was so warm and drove back to Alan's car and went our separate ways (despite me dropping many hints about going out for lunch!) After getting a shower I was really pleased to have a message from Alan inviting me to the cinema that evening and we watched "Legend" at the Everyman and ate pizza.  Alan even picked me up from my house and dropped me home afterwards which was lovely and we had our first kiss in my dining room in front of snuffly Marla cat.

Alan flew to New York the next day and we messaged and face timed a lot in the week he was away and had our second date at Kendall's on the day he arrived back to the UK.  Over the first few weeks we barely spent any time apart and visited Antwerp and the Yorkshire Dales together.  I knew that Alan must like me a bit when a day after his Yorkshire Marathon where he smashed 35 minutes off his PB he signed up to run the White Rose Ultramarathon with me (and Sam Scarlett) 2 weeks later.   On our first glamping trip to Swinton Bivouac the topic of marriage came up and I said that for me I didn't want to do it again as it wasn't that it felt like something that I needed to do and was very expensive.  Alan seemed disappointed and said that for that reason he'd not ask me as I'd made it clear I didn't want to be married again.  

3 1/2 years on and we are very happy living together in a house we bought together in December 2016 with two lovely cats and for all purposes live as if we are married.  So you might think - what changed? 

In March this year I saw one of my friends from my teenage years, Will, marry Sara. Sara had also been married before and I got the impression may have felt like me about doing it all over again, but seeing her and Will look so happy on their wedding day that was all about them, their relationship and how they wanted the day to be that it started me thinking "Am I just being stubborn?"  Sara even made a speech and made the point that it would encourage more women to be more equal in the marriage process and that got me thinking a bit more.  

As I was driving back home with Alan sat next to me, I realised I had changed my mind, whilst I didn't think getting married would make our relationship any different, being with Alan makes me feel safe and happy and I thought it would be lovely to celebrate this with our friends and family and also to give us both the chance to have a wedding and a marriage together.  It wasn't something I felt I "should" do, but it felt like I might regret not doing it if we didn't.   He had said he'd never ask me though and I thought to myself "what's holding me back from asking him?" and I realised that the only thing holding me back was that women don't generally ask men.  As a guide leader and ex-Women's Institute president, I'm also very keen at ensuring that as a woman we continue to move towards equality and that one area we are terribly unequal is in relationships and in particular proposing marriage, but with anything unless people are willing to stand up and be one of the first to do it, people won't feel confident to try too.  

I knew that if there was only one place that would be right to ask him, it had to be parkrun.  I was still driving back from the wedding and got so emotional thinking about it that tears were running down my face and Alan was trying to ask me "what's wrong?" and I couldn't really explain.

Alan is extremely good at guessing anything I'm up to try and surprise him, but it occurred to me that this year his birthday fell on parkrunday (known to others as Saturday).  By using his birthday as a decoy I could invite family and friends to come to parkrun with the excuse of "It's your birthday!" and then ask him if he wanted to get married.  I told him I was going to organise a special birthday parkrun "but it's only my 37th birthday, it's not a special birthday!?!" he said, but didn't seem to get too suspicious.

To make sure I wasn't going completely crazy, I sense checked my plans with my friend Hannah who thought if I wanted to do it and was happy and loved him then I should ask him and offered to come and help me on the day in any way needed.

I then looked at the volunteer rota and saw that it was Anne Akers the event director (who we know well) who was down to be the run director on the day of Woodhouse Moor parkrun where I first met Alan.  I contacted her directly as I wanted to keep it as secret as possible to avoid any chance of it slipping out before the day!  She was delighted with my idea and I promised to make sure that my plans wouldn't interfere with the normal business of parkrun.

I had a few ideas of how I could ask Alan.  I have seen stories where some people have proposed at the run briefing before the runners set off, but I know Alan is not always keen on being a big centre of attention and also would probably not want to actually run after such a life event!  Anne's husband Noel suggested I could reveal a message per lap of the 3 lap course, which I think would be great, but knowing how curious Alan is there would be another risk he'd not complete parkrun (and I couldn't be responsible for that!!)  In the end the idea that I settled on was to volunteer on "unscannables" which means I'd manually write down any unscannable barcodes at the end of the run.  I would task the scanners to mysteriously not scan Alan's barcode and then I'd have to write down his barcode and could ask the question.  Anne liked the idea and I was happy as it wouldn't have too big an audience, wouldn't interfere with normal parkrun business and would also be metres away from where I first met Alan.

I wanted to make the occasion as special as possible and also knowing how emotional and tearful the idea was making me, I came up with an idea to help me out on the day if nerves kicked in.  I planned to make a video with some of our memories of our time together like the strava track of our first parkrun and run together, a screenshot of the first messages we exchanged and some holiday and running photos.  At the end it would have some words written down about how I'd changed my mind about wanting to get married.  I first used the 1 Second Everyday app, but it was just too quick!  I didn't want the last few slides to not be readable (Hannah confirmed my fears!)  I then ran the 1 Second Everyday photo and video montage through another video editing app to slow it down, but it made the bits with speech sound weird.  I then remembered that I'd gone to the Apple store with my Guides last year and they'd made videos with music about what they enjoyed about being a Guide using the Clips app on the Iphone.  This was perfect as it allowed me to make text slides, add music and add speech bubbles to what the cats were thinking!

The video took me ages... my Iphone screentime report was huge for 3 weeks!  I also in-between ran Manchester Marathon and had a pretty terrible time running.  I had to walk the last 12K including running past somewhere playing "One day like this" by Elbow which made me burst into tears and felt like the perfect song to put the video to.  Finally I had a roughly 4 minute video that right at the end finished with slides telling him that I'd changed my mind about not wanting to get married again and ending with the word "so" leaving me the small matter to turn to Alan and ask him to marry me.

I was still really nervous about all my preparations - I'd asked Alan's brother Dom to come to his birthday parkrun and ideally wanted to tell him in person about my plans, but we'd not managed to meet up beforehand.  I messaged him to let him know and he said he'd be there with Alan's niece and nephew and he even brought Winston the dog with him on the day!  I said I was scared he wouldn't say yes, but he said he didn't think I needed to worry and thatwe were as "thick as thieves".  I also met Sam Scarlett who had introduced us in the first place and showed her the video and asked if she would be around on the day to run with Alan if needed - she was delighted and her reaction to the video was what I'd hoped for and gave me some confidence that it would land well with Alan - even though it ended up being about 4 minutes!

I'd also got my cousin Jenny to come on the day as well as Alan's colleague Danielle (who I didn't tell in advance as that would be a potentially tough secret to keep at work!)

I kept saying to Alan how excited I was for his birthday parkrun - I could hardly contain myself!  I think he was a bit baffled by it all, but didn't suspect anything other than perhaps a surprise picnic!  I'd ordered him a new parkrun wristband for his birthday as well as a leather bracelet with a silver engraved section with our two parkrun numbers and the date we met on it (although stupidly in my excitement I managed to put my birthday of the year we met by mistake - doh!!!)
The night before I'd bought some birthday tiffin for him and put the bottle of champagne I won a few years back in a bag and then struggled hard to fall asleep.  I woke up early to give him his main birthday present and make some hot cross buns, orange juice and coffee for breakfast and we made our way to parkrun.  The night before he said "I don't understand why you're volunteering" and I said it was because Hannah was coming and might need some help keeping an eye on energetic James!  Alan also kindly ran with Alex who is only 9 and so needed to be in arms reach of a responsible adult!

We arrived at parkrun and I carried over my bags of provisions and my cousins Christmas presents from my parents (yes I know we've just not managed to catch up for ages!).  "why are there cups in your bag?" asked Alan "My cousin is having a BBQ later and needs to borrow them" and he didn't ask anything further thankfully!

I grabbed my hi-vis vest and a clipboard and pen, said hello to lots of people who were wishing Alan a happy birthday.  Anne Akers cheered him up by pointing out that 37 is a prime number.  Hannah met us with a very excitable James and Alex and then we all walked over to the start.

It was such a beautiful morning, sunny with a completely blue sky and the runners set off on their run after Anne had given Alan a birthday shout out, I'd told the scanners I had some special instructions for them and when the run had started I told them what I'd got planned and showed them a photo of Alan so they knew not to scan his barcode when he got to the finish.
As we walked back to the finishing funnel I realised that Alan's brother Dom had arrived with Ada on his shoulders, Wren in the buggy and Winston on the lead and I spotted my cousin Jenny had arrived too.  After cheering the runners past 2 laps I took up my position at the end of the finish funnel with Hannah and James ready to take the clipboard from me when Alan arrived, writing down at least a page and half of unscannables in the process.

With the help of Danielle, Alan managed to pace Alex around to shave 10 minutes his parkrun pb finishing in just under 35 minutes and headed straight over to me bypassing the scanners because he could tell that Alex had an issue with his barcode.  I handed the clipboard to Hannah and said that I had a special video to play Alan "I'll watch it later, I need to get my barcode scanned first" he said, but I insisted and played him the video putting my arm around him as he lent over me and dripped sweat onto my head.  

The video played and James was keen to look too until his attention span flicked onto something else and Anne took up a position ready to snap a photo and a small audience gathered behind us as the video played.  It was hard to not comment on anything or hurry it along and as we watched it play on my phone my legs had started to shake with nerves.  The last few slides played and then I turned to Alan and quietly said "will you marry me" and he took my face in his hands with a tear in his eye (it wasn't just sweat!) and said "of course I'll marry you" and we had a kiss and a hug and turned around to an audience who said "Well?!?!" to which Alan declared "I said yes!" and everyone cheered and congratulated us.

We walked back over to the start to pick up our stuff and I opened up the bottle of champagne and shared it with people and Danielle shared her amazing baked goods of Easter Rocky Road, cheese straws and sausage rolls and we all had a great time chatting and smiled an awful lot.  I'd given Alan the bracelet and he had put it straight on and then after a few second glances, he realised I'd managed to mess up the date.  

After some time had passed and we'd drank some champagne, we walked over towards the parkrun cafe - Opposite and realised we should probably tell our parents about our news before it got out over Facebook!  I rang my Mum and Dad and told them and Alan Skyped his mum and they were all very pleased.  We walked across to get coffee and were glad we'd made the call then as we spotted the lovely photo that Anne had taken off us shared on the Woodhouse Moor parkrun facebook page and quickly got a lot of likes (It's a great photo - thanks Anne!)

We were slightly overwhelmed by all the well wishers and I've not yet managed to respond to all the lovely messages yet, but I will!  We'd arranged to go to our local pub, The Queen o' t' owd Thatch, for dinner anyway and were delighted that when we arrived my friend Lauren had bought us a bottle of fizz to go with our meal and also they decorated our plate with congratulations for our dessert.  

Both the  Yorkshire Evening Post and the BBC got in touch as a result of the response to the photo Anne had shared to Facebook and it seems that a lot of people enjoyed reading about our story and a few people commented on the posts "I wish this could happen to me!" or "I wish I could meet someone at parkrun!"  Both myself and Alan would definitely say - you can, but I think embracing the whole of parkrun will make it more likely.  Run, walk or jog parkrun and chat to people (or even just smile at people if you are shy) as you go around, volunteer and get to know the core team and importantly (one of the best bits!) go to the coffee shop and get to be a part of the wider parkrun community.  In the dating book that I liked..."Get the Guy", it said that if you want to meet *the one* don't just focus on meeting that *one* person, but instead focus on broadening your network and meeting lots of people, ideally doing something that you love (it doesn't have to be running!).  parkrun provided a great opportunity to not only improve my health and meet lots of lovely new friends, it ultimately introduced me to my future husband. parkrun has genuinely changed my life for the better in so many ways.  And now we are planning our wedding for September!


I love parkrun and parkrun helped me to find love. 

#loveparkrun