When marathons go bad.... Manchester Marathon 2019

This time last year I was struggling to run.  Well that's not strictly true, I wasn't running.   I'd not been signed off by the consultant or my physio after my dislocated and fractured shoulder, but exactly a year ago yesterday I did walk Whernside in a sling.

I was able to start running again, slowly in a sling around the end of April 2018 and was knocking out 24.45 minutes at parkrun.  However, I decided against attempting to run Liverpool Marathon as planned, or even dropping to the half as it would have been too risky.

My appreciation for running has evolved hugely since I wasn't able to run for quite some time and I now genuinely appreciate every run in case it does for whatever reason end up being my last.  

My last marathon at Yorkshire in October 2017 was my second fastest out of 9, but didn't go to plan with a knee niggle at 9 miles in and with Manchester marketed as "flat" I had hoped I'd be able to get closer to my PB of 3.47... or even close to good for age!  Although I know I'm a good 5 kg heavier than when I ran my PB, which doesn't really help matters!

Training has been pretty good this year, I've been getting out at least 4 times a week and have only really missed out one long run.  I even managed to complete Spen 20 in the worst conditions I've probably ever run in and got around in 3 hours 12, so logically I figured a flat full marathon I should be coming in sub 4 hours.

I got up early and made my long run breakfast which is usually perfect fueling - porridge oats, milk, golden syrup and peanut butter and took it with me to eat in the car.  I made sure the night before to drink plenty of water, but not too much on the morning.  I slapped 3 layers of compeed on an annoying blister on my ankle to try and avoid it being a niggle during the race.

We were taking Danielle - Alan's colleague with us to Manchester and we set off at 6.30am and then aimed for Ladywell park and ride tram stop which was a perfect transport plan as we got off at Pomona and it was about a 10 minute walk to the start area with plentiful toilets and slightly chaotic and unpoliced, but easy to access start pens.  We had a good hour to spare which was perfect.

I always get toilet anxiety before races and usually have to go at least twice, As the first few waves set off and Danielle was in a wave in front of me I took the chance to jump out of the pen area and have a last minute pee break.

I set off aiming for a comfortable pace (I know I have a habit of setting off too fast) and happened to more or less fall in line with the 3.45 hour pacer who initially seemed a bit too fast, then a bit too slow when I overtook him about 6 miles in.  I was hitting an average of 8.30 minute miles for the first 10 miles and dropped slightly the pace slightly but hit splits of 52 mins 10K, 1.55 for the first half and then 2.56 for the 30K mark.  I tried to be careful with nutrition and just drank my own electrolytes and water for the first 6 miles and took on a few shot bloks every 40 minutes.  It's always too tempting for me to take on too much water, but I tried to make sure I drank a few sips and then used the rest to cool down my hands as they always swell massively when I run long distances.

It was lovely to bump into Lois just after the halfway point who was going for (and achieved!) sub 4 hours.  She was looking on great form and really comfortable.

For the first half my Garmin was telling me that my estimated finish time was anything between 3.40 and 3.55.  The 20 - 30K distance was hard as I started to feel like I had some stomach cramps and had to slow down a bit, I got to the "hill" at mile 12 which wasn't too bad at all and by this point my I still felt like I had energy, my legs were ok and I had not had any blister issues.  A bloke tried to chat to me asking me if I ran Woodhouse Moor parkrun and told me that he'd seen my photos on Facebook, it was a bit odd and I was still trying to focus on my own running and he was slower than me so I powered on probably seeming rude.

I started feeling really quite queasy around mile 15 and so stopped for a toilet break, which turned out to be unnecessary after I'd queued up.  I managed to more or less run for another 3 miles, but then I started to feel really cramped up and painful and so run walked until I could see the toilets again and had to spend a good few minutes in there.  I was really feeling poorly at this point and quite light headed.  I looked at my phone for a bit and ended up reading a message from that morning from an old school friend Jenny who I've not seen for around 20 years telling me that my posts about parkrun had inspired her to give it a try - it helped to spur me on when I knew I had 8 and a bit more miles to complete.

I tried to run, but it just wasn't happening, it was so frustrating as I had energy, I had no injuries, but I just couldn't move my body.  I knew that I could walk fast and that I felt well enough to complete the race because I'm stubborn and I don't have any races as DNFs and so this wasn't going to be my first.

Walking gave me more time to look around and notice a few things, like the guy at mile 19 who was clearly having an equally frustrating time and grunting loudly in frustration and giving the mile marker the finger (I tried hard not to giggle, but he was illustrating more obviously my own frustrations!)

I tried some of the carbo gels on offer to see if that would fix me, they didn't.  I kept on walking and walking and fortunately Manchester is an interesting route and so there was plenty to occupy my mind although walking past people cheering you on is an odd experience - I wanted to say "I'm ok I just can't run!", but it was a bit too complicated so I just smiled as much as I could and kept walking.  

A man ran past me and said "Do you know Nicola Forwood?  Tell her not to stand up Mark again!" I'm assuming he was guessing from my HPH vest I would know her, although I don't know who he was - all I saw was the word "Arena" on the back of his t-shirt!

At around mile 20 something else happened to my body that I've only had once before during my fastest running of the Yorkshire 3 Peaks (5 hours 44) and it felt like I had a particularly bad case of Cystitis.  Every time I tried to run was incredibly painful, so I just carried on walking.  I stopped again for an even longer toilet break with less than 5K to go and messaged Alan to apologise for the fact they'd be waiting for ages for me.  

I kept on walking and approached a group of people playing music and heard the chorus of "One Day Like This" by Elbow and as I was walking I could hear it for much longer than if I'd been running past.  It feels like an emotional song for me anyway as it reminds me of seeing them with Alan and with all the emotion you get from running a marathon it made me burst into tears and I spent the next mile sobbing and smiling at the same time as I carried on walking.  I tried to jog whenever I heard music, but my body just wasn't letting me.  

A lady shouted to me at mile 25 "keep going half of Manchester is just there to cheer you on" and she wasn't wrong the support as you get into the final mile is fantastic, which made it all the more embarrassing that I was still walking.

I loved that the last 1K you can pretty much see the finish line and I kept on moving and still couldn't run, even as 2 men dressed as Bert and Ernie overtook me to shouts of people "we can't be beaten by Bert and Ernie!"  

I managed to run for the last couple of 100 metres and spotted Alan who was cheering me on and got over the finish line looking like I might have at least run a bit of it.  I think my running photos will look ridiculous though as I'm definitely crying in at least one of them!

The finish area was a bit confusing (although it's probably just because I was exhausted!) and so I got my medal, soreen, t-shirt and water and went to the toilet (again!) before managing to find Alan and poor Danielle who had finished over an hour before me with an amazing 3 hour 40 time knocking over 30 minutes off her PB. 

My gun time was 4:54.30 - it took me nearly 2 whole hours to do the last 12K!

Some people might say why did I bother finishing, why not take the refuge bus if I was feeling ill, but I know myself well enough on long distance running that I wasn't going to pass out and if I did feel that bad I'd sit down and get some help.  If I'd have known I was likely to feel that poorly when I was running I may not have got to the start line, but I felt absolutely fine when I set off.  Maybe I was ill and didn't realise with a bug or something, maybe I ate something dodgy the day before (the pasta dish from Friday night left out on the cooker all day probably wasn't the best pre-race meal!) maybe it was just not my day - which was a shame as the potential to have a good race was all there on paper.  

Ultimately I'm stubborn, I wanted a medal and I wanted to retain my clean record of always completing a race that I've started and I knew I wouldn't damage myself by doing so.  I know some people criticised Paula Radcliffe when she pulled out of the Athens marathon at mile 22 in 2004 and I'll be honest before I had run a marathon I couldn't understand why she wouldn't limp around for her country and complete the race for her country.  However, as running was her job, she would potentially have destroyed her chances of future success, so I completely get it and I would advise anyone in that situation to pull out and seek help.  If you are only pushing yourself for the sake of it and are actively damaging yourself further, it's not worth it - there are always more races!  You've got to do what is right for your body at that moment in time.

I staggered around and found Alan and Danielle and we managed to get back to the tram station and back to the car and the cystitis feeling was still there and extremely painful.  In the car on the way back Danielle fed us with some home cooked sausage rolls, cheese straws and rocky roads which were all very welcome and very delicious!  NB.  The cystitis thing was awful all evening, but has gone this morning - I did what you are not supposed to do and googled it and found this article which perhaps explains it and also means I perhaps should try and have less anxiety wees!  It''s either a rare running anomaly or one of those things we don't discuss as runners, but perhaps should mention so we don't all feel like weirdos?!

So I'm left feeling disappointed with myself, a little at least, but this is exactly the same time I ran my first marathon at Edinburgh in 2010 to the minute.  Running a marathon teaches you loads about who you are as a person, what you can overcome and having felt less than strong in some areas of my life recently it's been a really positive boost to have at least managed to get myself over the finish line. I definitely maintain running a marathon in 4 hours is much less painful than running it in nearly 5 hours or longer, so I am in massive admiration of runners smashing sub 3 hour times or those completing it in 6 hours, 7 hours or more - they're all huge achievements.  

My last comment is that this is one bad marathon out of 10 that I've run, so don't let it put you off having a try - the most important thing you can do is train well and plan effectively for your day and listen to your body carefully if it doesn't go to plan for you on the day.

And so I now look to putting to bed the ghost of 2018 and this race and running Liverpool in 7 weeks the marathon that I had to miss last year because of my shoulder - wish me luck!

Things that happen when you start to run more and how to make it easier!

It's January and so I'm currently completing 2 challenges - #REDJanuary or "run every day" January by Mind - although you just have to be active to experience the positive physical and mental benefits of activity on health and I'm also doing #64millionartists which is to do something creative every day.  The art challenge today is "Pen to Paper"

The second week of 2019 is coming to an end. How did your week go? What are you thinking about, and who do you want to tell? Today we challenge you to reach out to someone, and tell them something you’d like to share…whatever that might be!
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Put pen to paper, and write a letter. Write something down that you’ve been meaning to say to someone.

I decided to write a letter to myself about all the things that I wish I'd known before starting running in the hope that it helps others who are on a similar journey.

I was 24 when I decided to start running and I was obese (and had very poor mental health).  I'd always been fairly active, so I didn't really consider the two elements together.  All I knew was that I wanted something to work towards and to do something positive so I signed up for my first Race for life and knew that I'd need to train towards it.

I didn't have any friends who ran, and my partner at the time wasn't a runner so we would go to the gym and I'd spend some time on the treadmill.  At first 10 minutes seemed forever!  I couldn't understand how it was possible for me to run any longer, but over a period of around 3 - 4 months I continued to go to the gym and run on the treadmill.  

I remember at one point my ankles were really sore - would I have to stop?  Was running a 5K just too far for me?  Fortunately I rested for a few days, kept training and they stopped hurting.  I started to learn that when you start moving your body more or in a different way to before, some adjustments and niggles are to be expected and more importantly are normal!  
To give myself the confidence that I'd be able to run a 5K "race" (it wasn't even timed!) one evening I stepped on the treadmill and told myself I couldn't stop for 30 minutes and so I managed to "run" my first 5K although I'm pretty sure there were regular pauses of the treadmill to adjust my hair, re-lace my shoes, change the channel on the telly, take a drink etc.  This did give me confidence that even as an obese and previous non-runner I'd be able to get around the 5K for my Aunty Mary who was in remission from breast cancer at that point.  

Race day was fun, it was an evening in the summer after work, it was at Roundhay Park and it now makes me feel a bit sick, but Jimmy Saville was there cheering all the women on.  I ran the 5K and was caught by the hills as this wasn't something treadmill training prepares you for (I had to walk up them all) and was astonished that there was one woman who had finished ages before me and was cheering all the finishers through (how could she run that fast?!).  I think it was around 25.30 when I finished and I was delighted and hooked on running.

From my first 5K in 2004 I went to my first 10K in 2007 (an hour and 20 that took me) and then ran the Great North Run in 2008 and then as a reaction to turning 30 ran Edinburgh marathon in 2010.  I've now been running for over 14 years and I think sometimes I forget some of the things I discovered about my body as I've run more, trained more and learned a bit more about the psychology of diet and exercise (this was actually a module when I studied a bit of psychology in my first year of Uni!).  So here are some things that I have learned as I've run more as someone who has never as an adult been of a BMI stipulated healthy weight.

Chafing
Men seem to talk about this more than women which is interesting as it seems to generally occur for them in their more intimate areas!  Basically up to 5K you'll probably not have to worry about this too much, but there is a chance that if bits of your body are moving more, then more friction will be created in areas that usually don't have to deal with it and this extra rubbing and extra heat leads to chafing.  This is basically a small friction "burn" on your body and can develop during or after a run and you don't always realise until you get in the shower and the hot water hits it.  

The areas that as a lady you're likely to experience chafing are not necessarily obvious and of course it will differ from person to person, but could include:

• Arms - underneath the top part of your arms which people unkindly refer to as "bingo wings" will likely rub more than usual, even if you don't have "wings".  This happened to me even when running on the gym and the chafing became scabs that then fell of when I was running again!  
• How to solve/prevent - there are lots of expensive products you can buy, but my top tip is simply a dab of vaseline or coconut oil (about £5 from Aldi) where you anticipate rubbing might happen and also wearing a "technical" t-shirt rather than a cotton one decreases the friction.  T'shirts rather than vests will help avoid this too so that bare skin isn't rubbing against fabric.  
• The good news - as you run more, this gets better!  I've even run a whole marathon in a vest with no ill affects!  Even having time off with injury I generally find when I up the miles again that this hasn't really returned, although in prep for particularly long runs I'll always pay attention to lubricating this area before setting off
• Boobs (part 1) - Some women have apparently said that they can't run because their boobs are too big.  That it hurts when they run and they feel sore after a run.
• How to Solve/prevent - I've always been top heavy (ranging from 38DD to a 34G) and it's true that if you don't have the right support it's much more uncomfortable to run and it could be enough to put a new runner off.
• The good news - Fortunately after trial and error I have found there are some great bras out there that are in specific sizes and not just S/M/L etc (I sometimes have to stop myself recommending them to strangers who I can see don't have the right support!) I first of all found that Triumph do some great and competitively priced bras and so this was my go to for years and I still have some that I use regularly.  They reduce the motion and are comfortable to put on.  I have found however that the smoother a bra (or indeed any running clothing) that you can wear, the less chafing will be an issue, so I recently on a trip to New York discovered this amazing bra from Under Armour.  At c£50 it's not cheap, but it will last you well and importantly look after your boobs.  It might be tempting to buy something generically sized from a supermarket for £15, but it's likely to not support you well and won't last as long.  And also going for something that allows you to cross over the straps will make you feel more "secure" as there is nothing more irritating than a bra strap slipping off your shoulder when you are trying to run!  Look after your boobs!
• Boobs (part 2) - as I alluded to above, chafing can happen around your boobs, mostly because we have an extra layer of fabric closer to our skin.  
• How to solve/prevent - As odd as it might feel if you are heading out for a longer run, get the lube out and make sure any bits of your body that are pinched particularly by your bra have a good amount applied - also don't forget your nipples! 
• Thighs - Thigh gaps are very rare and are down to the position of our hips, regardless of what weight I've been the tops of my thighs have always rubbed together.  It's important not to get hung up on your body and how it stores fat, mine I think loves to store it on my thighs!  
• How to solve/prevent - I've sometimes headed out for a run in shorter shorts, but the chafing has been painful!  I have learned through trial and error that these lovely double shorts with a cycle short element under a baggy "over" short work best for me in keeping me cool, but also beneficially have *loads* of pockets!  These are my favourites from Ron Hill Of course lube will help avoid the chafe!
• Lower Back - This one surprised me, I hadn't realised that just putting something in the back pocket of my shorts, or wearing a running band with stuff in would have an impact, but if you do this, there is a good chance that you'll get a nice patch of chafing on your lower back - so again an area not to forget to lubricate before a long run.

Sweat 

"Horses sweat, men perspire and ladies only glow" - what rubbish!  I do think that getting sweaty puts some women off running and this sort of gender rubbish holds us back from our own health and fitness, as there isn't much you can do to stop sweating when running it's all about acceptance.  I don't really wear make up generally which is a good thing as I sweat so much it would be sliding off my face in the first minute!  Nonetheless some women I run with manage to look immaculate, so it can be done...only why not take advantage of the one time people don't care what you look like and go "naked" when you go for your runs?  Your skin will get a great chance to breathe and fresh air is a great facial treatment.  Sweat gets in my eyes and if I'm wearing contacts I struggle to see properly...that means that rain or shine I can be found in a buff which is a headband that covers your ears.  Even in winter I'll be wringing out the sweat (especially from my buff) and it also keeps my ears from getting cold!  Sweat can also be a good thing because it's literally fat melting, if you see camels they don't have water in their humps it's fat cells and when fat cells break down they metabolise into water that becomes sweat.  So if you are trying to reduce fat cells - sweat is a sign that your run is working.

Feet - the one thing that always takes a bit of getting used to when you start to run and up the miles is the impact it can have on your feet.  So here are some suggestions:

• Toenails - Everyone knows about marathon runners losing toenails, it sounds really painful, but the reality is usually not as bad as you fear - it basically is just a bit sore and squishing, then the nail kinda lifts off.  It does grow back don't worry and at my biggest mileage I probably ran around with only 6 complete toenails and not much impact to daily life.  If you have a sore toe end, you can buy a rubber toe cap and that will allow you to keep running and always make sure that you keep your toenails cut short!
• Blisters - The good news...genuinely the more you run, the less you blister!  It's very likely you'll pick up some blisters when you start running as your feet get used to extra friction in shoes that will likely be new to you.  Some people say don't pop, but I have generally done it carefully and used sterile equipment and popped a compeed (fake rubber skin) over the top to protect it.
• Compeed top tips - Compeed is amazing!  When I first started marathon training I ended up with sometimes 3 on each foot, I'd put them on places I knew used to always rub, and even now with my feet of sterner stuff, I run with some spare compeed (top tip the green boxes you can pop in a £20, an antihistamine and anything else small and it's also waterproof).  Compeed does take a few days to fall off again as it's strong stuff, so don't do what I did on a few occasions, stick it over a "live" blister in full swing, then pull it off the next day as layers of skin will come off with it - ouch!  You can also use them to cover up painful underboob chafing areas!
• How to prevent blisters - Good socks - for me it's all about thick walking socks, but for some it's specific running socks or wearing two pairs - this is a bit of trial and error and keep going until you find what works for you.  And again...pop a load of lube on - for me I cover both feet entirely in coconut oil or vaseline (NB. if you are using compeed put them on before you oil up!)

Water

This is not limited to ladies, but when I first started running I was convinced that I always needed to run with loads of water.  There's nothing wrong with this, but carrying an extra 1 litre of water is an extra 1 kg of weight and is something you'll hold in your hand which can throw off your running gait.  

• How to solve/prevent - I encourage as soon as you can to try and see if you can get around a short distance without water - be brave - I wish I had been sooner as I can now more or less do a 10 mile run without needing to lug extra liquid around with me.  The joy of contactless on your phone now also means that you can grab a quick drink if you really need to at lots of shops.  Obviously for an off road run or a longer distance, or indeed a hotter day, bring all the fluid you need (and a bit more!
• The good news - You will very naturally find that the more you run the more you understand your body and how much fluid you need, test out different drinks if you feel like you need energy you can try energy drinks (don't leave it to a race to see what Gatorade does to you!)

Nutrition

Again not limited to ladies, but getting your nutrition right is going to help you as you run more.  The cost of not getting your nutrition right can be tough whether it's stomach cramps, lack of energy, or even just an ill timed toilet break.

• How to solve / prevent - Again we are all individuals so trial and error will help.  It can be a morning routine to make sure you get your "pre race poo" out of the way i.e drink a strong coffee at the right time!  After 14 years I've discovered that if I have porridge with nut butter and syrup I can run for 10 miles and need no additional gels or fuel!  Also be sensible the night before a race - a very spicy or unusual meal will likely make you a bit gassy the morning after and you don't want to be trying to hold in a fart and running at the same time!
• Racing nutrition - Try lots of different things when you run, I used gels for years, but I'd have to carry around 8 for a marathon and they made a mess on my hands and get in my hair.  They are easy to digest and work well for people, however I now love shot bloks as they are easy to consume on the go and don't make a mess.  Some people find that they don't need anything unless it's a really long race, but it's all about trial and error.  I remember nearly having a melt down when I forgot my pre race banana at London Marathon 2015, fortunately I swapped it on the train with a lady for my Nakd bar!
• The good news - the more you run, the more you understand your body and what it needs when you run.  

Clothing

Sports clothes are big business and as running has got more and more popular, so has the choice become bamboozling.  The key things to consider are cost and comfort.

If you are just starting out, a lot of supermarkets have great quality running kit at affordable prices.  Try and buy clothing that is "technical" i.e. wicks sweat away rather than cotton that will get heavy and be less comfortable to run in - lots of races now give away technical t'shirts so if you are planning on running a few, don't spend lots of cash on buying them as you'll soon have more than you'll ever need.

Make sure if you are ever running in darker or more remote roads that you have something "hi vis" you'll hopefully never "need" it, but it's always better to be seen quicker to allow a car to slow down if it needs to.

The good news - you get braver, I used to have a vest, t-shirt and cagoule to run in the inclement cold weather, I'd be aghast at crazy people in shorts and vests running off like whippets.  As you get more comfortable running you'll find you need less clothes!  I now have to remind myself to wear slightly less than I think I need as I always get too warm!

Music and headphones

As I ran more I started to enter races where listening to music was banned - how would I manage 10K with nothing to listen to?!?!  As I started running with more friends I'd made from running club and parkrun I realised that you don't always need music, because actually engaging with your surroundings, your breathing and the people around you is better.  I've now run marathons without listening to anything except the crowd!  Now that I'm a qualified LIRF (Leader in Running Fitness) I also realise that people who have run with us and worn headphones are much harder to give instruction to and keep safe!

If you *have* to listen to music, I recommend either just having one headphone in or investing in some headphones like these that conduct through the bones in your head rather than having all the sounds blocked out.

And finally 

You don't have to run to be fast, you don't have to race, you don't have to run a marathon to be a worthwhile person, do what is right for you as running is so personal to everyone... but if you do get the bug and are interested in improving performance, here are some of the learns that got me from a first marathon time of 4 hours 54 down to 3 hours 47 in 6 years.

How to get faster - So these are some things I have learned.

• Run more  - sounds obvious, but it's like anything to improve takes practice so if you want to run further, build up your distance steadily and if you want to run faster try sessions like intervals to see how your body responds to being pushed harder.  You'll learn what works best for you by practicing and trying new things.
• Join a club or parkrun - I spent so many years running alone (I even used the fact that vests would make my arms chafe as an excuse not to join!) I was nervous - why would a club want someone like me?!?  Thanks to parkrun it's so much easier for runners of all abilities to join running clubs and / or run with others, clubs are much better set up to welcome runners regardless of experience and ability and by running with others, you'll accidentally push yourself harder and find that your running improves naturally.
• Lose weight - As I mentioned earlier I've always been an overweight runner and it's simple physics that if you weigh more it's more effort to move your body over a distance.  I had a diabetes scare in 2014.  My doctor told me I was pre-diabetic and when I asked what I could do to stop this developing he said "Your body makes insulin fine, but you have too many fat cells to absorb it properly, if you lose weight, this will improve" and so I did.  I remember running Snake Lane 10 for in 2015 and realising that I was going far faster than I'd run before in a longer distance and wondering why and then realising it was because I was lighter.  You don't to have a crash diet, or aim to be the bottom of your BMI range, just a little weight loss will make the pressure and impact on your joints easier and make it less like for you to be injured, genuinely you'll feel a benefit with only a couple of pounds.
• Self belief - I've written before about my low self esteem and how being competitive in running both satisfies and feeds this issue, but the one thing that held me back from improving for a long time was that I just didn't believe I could get better.   It was only when I got together with Alan and he helped me with marathon training that I was able to push myself to knock 22 minutes off my marathon time in the 2016 Yorkshire marathon which was over an hour and 7 minutes faster than my first attempt 6 years earlier.  Anyone can get better with the right training, nutrition and most importantly attitude.

Running is such a big part of my life that I love to share things that I've learned and I hope that it helps anyone who is a bit newer.  What are your top tips for newer runners?

Reflections on managing mental health when injured when your main therapy is running!

I started writing a blog post about breaking my shoulder in March and the impact on my mental health, but it's evolved into 2 posts and here is the first, but probably second as it's reflecting on how the injury has impacted my life.

Reflecting on the impact of this injury on last year has allowed me to have some fairly large realisations on my personality and how certain traits feed into my mental health.

In early 2017 I had some CBT therapy that helped me to realise that I have low self esteem.  If you know me, even quite well, that might not be very evident as my low self esteem through my school years, university and into adult life has generally represented itself as competitiveness which to the outside observer would generally appear fairly successful and well adapted behaviour.  

At school I worked extremely hard and at one point our class was told to "stop doing extra homework!" Yes I really was that geeky! I got a good bunch of GCSEs and A-Levels, but I remember looking at the results table for my school and endlessly comparing what I had achieved to everyone else.  By doing this I was trying to tell myself - I'm better than x in my class, so I'm an ok person.  In year 10 I was in the top set for Maths and was at the bottom of the class, my teacher compared my grades to the set below and suggested I might be better suited to moving down, but my best friend was in the top set with me and so I took the opportunity to complete a maths text book on quadratic equations over the summer holidays and happily achieved an A grade.  If I had moved down then it would confirm my fears that I was actually as stupid as I feared.  

After graduating I then started a job in recruitment.  Initially I liked the idea of helping people find jobs as a career and hadn't necessarily appreciated as a more naive graduate that actually it often boils down to a sales job (although you do genuinely get a buzz from getting someone a life changing better job!).  This allowed me another method of validation - if I bill more fees than x colleague, I'm better than them, I'm a worthy person, I hopefully won't get fired (read up on imposter syndrome for more about this fear!)  If I look at my work performances over the past 17 years, frequently my better months/quarters/years correlate very neatly with my poorest points of mental health.

In 2004 at probably my lowest ever point of mental health, I signed up to run a 5K Race for Life for my Aunty Mary who had breast cancer and thankfully then discovered how running and exercise can positively impact mental health.  It is however very easy to fall into the same trap with the amount of easily available race statistics and how you can literally overtake people and say in a race "I'm better than that person I just overtook, so I'm worth something"

I was really worried that with my shoulder I would not be able to run and also would lose an avenue of "validation" as my times got slower.  In reality it's given me a different perspective.

When I was worried I couldn't do something I loved like running for a really long time and I eventually got the chance to run again, I realised that there is something really nice about just being able to run.  To be able to smell the fresh air, feel sun, rain and wind on your face and see some of the beautiful views you only get to see when your own 2 feet take you there.  The opportunity to run with Alan and chat without distractions and run with friends and meet new people.  The opportunity to lead running groups and help others to find the benefits and joy of running.  

It made me realise that gratitude for just being able to run is more important than being uber competitive about your parkrun time and as my Facebook is full of runners, it also made me realise that humility in your own running ability is something to aspire to.  It's great to celebrate success and achievement, but it's worth appreciating that someone getting out of bed when they felt barely able to do so and running a parkrun is probably more of a personal achievement than shaving 2 seconds off your best time.  It's always worth remembering you don't know what is going on in someone's mind and in their life or in their body for that matter.

We live in a world now of constant and inescapable comparison with others.  Thankfully when I was at school I only had 149 others in my year to compare myself against, but now thanks to Instagram, Facebook and Social Media we are bombarded with images of people better looking than us, achieving bigger and better things than us and probably running longer and faster than us.  Does that mean that we are any less as people than before social media?  It really doesn't and the one thing that I have come to value more than anything this year never really makes it onto social media for comparison and that is kindness.

Kindness from those close to me like Alan helping me get dressed and cooking whilst I was one armed, kindness from my friends and family like Jenny taking me home from the hospital for my operation (and lots of offers from friends to do the same) and even from strangers like the lady who picked me up when I was struggling to catch the train and dropped me off at the station.

I'm still competitive, i'll still try and overtake that last person at the finish and beat my best time (now I measure my times in the context of post shoulder injury), but I also run each time appreciating that I don't know what the future holds and to run each run as if it was my last and make it one to remember as I'll always want to remember the joy that just being able to run can give and you'll never know what life might throw at you that might just get in the way of the small things that you never realised gave you so much joy.

Yorkshire Marathon 2017

Today was tough, and running a marathon is tough, so it should be tough.  

Over the last few weeks my training has been reasonable - 22 - 23 mile sightseeing run in New York (ok not at pace, but lots of time on the legs) walking the National 3 Peaks last weekend and generally working hard to stay injury free.  I managed a half marathon pb in September, so hoping for a pb today wasn't unrealistic.

This morning the prep had been decent - volunteered at parkrun yesterday to save my legs, good night of sleep, loads of carbs and my ultimate running fuel breakfast of porridge with cashew nut butter and golden syrup.  I did have a cold lingering, but this morning that seemed much better and so I ambitiously plugged a target time of 3 hours 40 to push me to knock off 7 minutes from last year and allow me to achieve Good for Age (3 hours 45) for the future.

We drove to the park and run (well park, ride and run!) and got to the race village in great time.  I had my first toilet stop, left my stuff at baggage drop and walked up to the start area with Alan in our ready to dispose tshirts.  The conditions were great - cool, overcast and not raining!  We made another toilet break about 40 minutes before the start gun and got in our pen - this was my first error.  I always need less time between my last toilet break the start gun and I ended up rushing to the vacant toilet I spotted at mile 5 which cost me about a minute.

Alan and I had discussed what times we would be aiming for and I was going to try for 5 minute 13 second KM average, with faster at the start - around 5 minute KMs and he was going to start off at 5 minute KMs and get faster.  My second error in this race was the temptation to run with the 3 hour 30 pacer who was also a bit fast setting off - I hung on for around 5KM and then both Alan and the pacer disappeared into the horizon.  At this point I felt fine, but I could see my heart rate was a bit high (Alan has had his lactate threshold determined at 157 BPM and we're guessing mine is similar and at this point I was 159, so decided to slow down) I slowed down and comfortably knocked out the miles appreciating the support including pompoms from Tobias (nothing like peer pressure to purchase pompoms!) and the loud HPH collection at mile 5.  My garmin tantalising kept telling me a predicted finish time of 3 hours 23 and I went through 5k at 24 minutes, 10K at 49, 10 miles at 1.22 and half marathon at 1.52.

I made my dash for the toilet when I spotted a green vacant slot on a portaloo and it was about 9 miles into the "harder" bit of the course when it's just country lanes with more sparse support when my right knee started to throb.  My knee has been fine throughout training after my earlier hamstring injury and periformis niggles on my right hand side it was a surprise pain.  I slowed and stretched out, but it continued to hurt.  I then noticed the arch on my right foot was starting to blister so I asked to borrow a marshall's chair and put on a compeed, which didn't really help, because it only stopped half of the arch blistering!

I'm used to marathon's hurting, but usually at meltdown mile 19 - at mile 9 I knew I still had 17 miles to get through and seriously considered pulling out.  I have an unblemished record of always finishing races though and pride/stubborness forced me on.   I limped on (my garmin verifies the limping with my left right balance at a pretty unbalanced 51.5% - 48.5%) and hit the mentally challenging 15 - 19 mile out and back section.  It's great to run past fellow runners and cheer them on, but this only lasts for a few seconds.  I was grateful that Ann and Noel had set up camp in the same motivational spot and cheered me on twice and helped me smile enough for a decent photo at least.  Scott was also a bit further up with a smile and jelly babies that kept me going.  I also spotted Alan and counted the time between us and figured he was on for a good time of at least 20 minutes in front of me.  By the time I got to mile 19 I figured I could walk it to the end if necessary, even if poor Alan would be waiting for me!

The last 7 miles seem a bit of a blur...my garmin estimated a finish time of 4 hours 7 - the Lucy of last year would have been delighted with this time, but knowing the course and what I achieved last year I couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed.   A few similar looking villages with lovely support and more and more country lanes and the sun coming out.  I walk-ran it with my km times flashing up on my garmin at 6.43 and even 8.21 at one point.  Julia caught up to me at one point and said she was aiming for under 4 hours, my garmin had me on track for 4.04 and I knew I'd started in front of her so wished her good luck and she disappeared into the distance. I loved seeing a huge gaggle of HPHs at mile 21 (in fact I definitely heard them all before I saw them!) and grabbed some jelly babies off Caroline after much fumbling and declaring "it's ok I'm not in a hurry!"  People were encouraging each other along with a mix of runners, limpers and walkers and my garmin told me I had less than 2km to go - I could do this!

I then spotted the hill right at the end, it seemed like a mountain, but I made it up - Dan told me I wasn't allowed to walk past him, so I just about started to manage running again.

As the finish line came into sight I started to feel quite emotional - Sam took these photos of me when I wasn't noticing and it sums up my emotions quite well - holding back tears and in a fair bit of pain.

I could see the finish though so I smiled for the cameras and picked up the pace knowing it would soon be over!  Hannah Marshall got a few pics of me looking a bit more triumphant.

As I crossed the finish line my emotions got the better of me, but holding back tears made me start shallow breathing and I had to grab my asthma inhaler and make an effort to calm myself down.  I bumped into Julia who had made it under 4 hours with 7 seconds to spare - I was delighted for her!  I found Alan who had also had a hard run with his hip going seconds after I passed him looking strong at mile 19 (bloody mile 19!) and had finished in 3 hours 52.  We then saw Tilly who had completed her first marathon in an amazing 4 hours 4 - I have a feeling it won't be her last marathon!

I'm now sitting with a Qubit sat on my feet and an ice pack on my knee (thanks for the recommendation Nicola) and about to go to bed (I'm never in bed before 10pm!) and if you asked me would I sign up for another marathon...I might have said no, but somehow I've already answered my own question and I'm doing Liverpool Rock & Roll Marathon in May - the day after my birthday!  I think I'll make a note of these lessons for next time and try and pay attention to my pace earlier on and definitely definitely build in more leg strength training.  

Thanks and well done to everyone today - running just has an amazing way of bringing out the best in us all.

An Anxious Extrovert and running...

I injured my hamstring in a stupid drunken dancing competition at our work Christmas party on the 14th December last year.  Since then I've gone from a form where I managed to PB every distance I've ever run in 2016 (1 mile, 5K, 10K, 10 mile, Half Marathon and Marathon) to my first run back being an incredibly painful and slow flat parkrun at Pontefract that took me more than 10 minutes slower than my usual times.  It was my fault and I've certainly paid the price for being a bit tipsy and over exuberant.

I'm incredibly competitive in pretty much everything I do and I am generally rushing around getting things done, so to have to slow down and recover has been tough for me both physically and mentally.  (I make it sound like it was worse than it was - I was limping for a fair few weeks and had to ice it for the first few days.)  I'm pleased to say that after a fair few physio sessions, lots of leg exercises (could do more), encouragement from Alan, Hyde Park Harriers and lots of other friends and family I haven't gone completely mad and I'm managing to chip in reasonable (if still painful) running performances again.

So what has any of this got to do with being an Anxious Extrovert?

After coming off being on antidepressants for 12 years in June 2013 running has been my therapy.  It's not the only thing that keeps me with a good state of mental health, but I know that in no particular order I have to concentrate on the following things to make sure I keep healthy:

• Regular exercise where I sweat for at least 20 minutes for around 3 - 6 times a week
• Regular contact with loved ones, friends, family
• Reasonable sleep - i.e. at least 6 hours a night
• Eating well - balanced meals with fresh fruit and veg
• Not overdosing on caffeine or alcohol - small amounts are fine
• Getting time outside in the fresh air
• Yoga and or some sort of meditation/mindfulness at least once a week
• Having Willow (and all my other lovely pets before her)
• Keeping some sort of journal from time to time
• Not letting work take up too much of my time
• Doing something a bit creative from time to time

It's quite a long list, but I find if I miss out bits of it for too long, my mood dips considerably. I used to think that it would be easy to tell if my mood was "dipping", but sometimes it creeps up on me, I'll find myself in the middle of a task staring off into space, or leaping from one task to another to another and another...achieving nothing in the space of a few hours.   I'm fairly well practiced in making sure I stay on top of depression as I've described above, but what I'd not appreciated was a "side effect" of long term anti-depressant use was that it meant for around 12 years I never really had to process or learn to deal with anxiety.

After a few obvious triggers of life changing events like moving house coupled with the reduction in running, I found myself at the start of the year experiencing high levels of anxiety and being a bit at a loss of how to make them reduce.  

I've recently seen a few posts on Facebook explaining what anxiety feels like to different people and I've got my own examples here are a few.

• I bumped shoulders with a colleague in the kitchen at work about 6 months ago when I was half asleep, I still feel bad about it and think about it now.
• As I'm falling asleep my body twitches me awake again - like those dreams you have when you are falling and it wakes you up.
• I think about a scenario I'm a little worried about, and it whirs around and around in my head getting worse and more catastrophic the more it spins - which can be as small as trying to decide what to pack for a day at the beach.

Usually a good dose of running and keeping busy has been enough to stave off depression and anxiety, but without being able to run as much as I usually have done it's been a bit harder to shake.

So let's get to explaining my Anxious Extrovert phrase.  Some of you might have heard of Myers Briggs and about 4 years ago I had my personality type outlined with this as an ENFP (I could bang on about how much I love Myers Briggs, but I'll maybe save that for another time) The "E" is extroversion - it was my strongest preference and you can see by how much in this picture below.

The "E" doesn't mean that someone is the most obviously loud confident type of person that we often associate the word "Extrovert" to mean, but more that it is their preferred style of how they get "energy" from the world - i.e. if they are tired will they push through and go to that party to see their friends or will they go home and watch Netflix alone under a blanket?  

One of the things that I've noticed recently is that I've not been as socially active as usual and it's not that I've not wanted to be, more that I've perhaps allowed the anxiety to rule me a bit too much and not pushed forward with arranging social things as frequently.  I'm extremely grateful that I've got things like parkrun, run club, Guides and other good friends who will continue to help me create a structure in my life that forces me to not retreat too far and let anxiety win.  If I turn down too many social invitations, then I won't get invited and then I get less energy from the people around me - I want to break that cycle before it starts up!

I guess the challenge I'm finding is that on the surface I will look and behave as "normal", but inside my head I'm wasting precious brain power on the incessant whirring of thoughts.  

For me, one of the best things about running is that you are forced to be at least a bit "mindful" and present in the moment and it means that annoying whirring part of your brain has to get shoved to the back of your head for a while to allow you to focus on your run.  I find this to be especially true of a trail race such as yesterday at Guiseley Gallop; you have to look down at the ground at the tree roots and rocks and plan ahead where you are going to put your feet to avoid a taking a tumble.  

During the race yesterday I managed to not only stay on my feet (I'm well known for my clumsy running incidents), but also had the chance during the 10K of trail to process a few thoughts including my conclusion that I'm currently an Anxious Extrovert and also that one of my biggest discoveries when I had my Myers Briggs done was that - Not everyone sees the world in the same way as I do.  This was a revelation for me at the time and as basic as it seems I still need to remind myself that just because I make a conclusion or an inference of a situation, the reality and perception could be completely different to someone else.  Maybe the fact I've not been as sociable will lead people to think I'm generally being rude, or maybe they've not even noticed (there's that anxiety again), but what about if I tell them?  Then at least they might have an idea of what's going on.  Maybe they have similar challenges, but don't want to say anything?  Mental health issues still have that "stigma" of weakness attached to them.  I might not see the world the same as everyone, but maybe someone else is struggling with anxiety or depression and hasn't tried running or exercise?  

I'm fortunate to have discovered parkrun, Hyde Park Harriers as well as other important running friends (yes Alan!) that give my weeks a rhythm and routine of exercise (injuries permitting) and I'm really pleased that movements like #runandtalk are there and hopefully will help people find other ways to manage their mental health successfully.

Mexico... the first 3 days of our holiday... and the quest for WIFI andInternet Access!

I’m very fortunate to have been on holiday in many places in the past 5 years, up mountains in Nepal over 2500m high, in remote parts of India in a Feudal Lord’s homestay, and have always managed to get online pretty successfully.  When we booked to come to Mexico and Cuba back in March and chose relatively “upmarket” hotels, I complacently assumed that internet access wouldn’t be an issue and pictured myself and Alan watching Netflix after a busy day of sightseeing in the hotel room.

The reality has been somewhat different.  

We could buy internet access in the hotel in Mexico, but for extortionate amounts, so we purchased some roaming data instead for our phones (which was also pretty pricey) and we were able to be online most of the time we were in Mexico…Cuba however has been entirely different and I’ll come onto that in a later post.  Needless to say that the digital detox has been at the same time frustrating and freeing - being totally unable to check work emails for the first time in 5 years when on holiday has been quite relaxing and refreshing.

We arrived in Mexico on the 8th November after a very relaxing flight.  Alan had upgraded our seats to extra legroom as he’s 6”4 tall and it was totally unnecessary for my little legs, but made for a very pleasant 10-hour flight.  During the flight, I managed to watch the David Brent film, Absolutely Fabulous and a very odd coming of age type film called “Goat” that was apparently critically acclaimed, but in reality, was just a lot of examples of “hazing” for people to get into an American frat house, if there was any deeper meaning to it, it was certainly lost on me.  We collected our luggage…eventually as Alan’s was literally the last case off the belt, in fact he had to climb onto the belt to grab it as the belt had just stopped!

Our transfer was smooth to our resort – Occidental and we checked in and got our bags into the room before venturing out first to try and book some excursions as we knew we only had 5 days in Mexico, but unfortunately they were closed, so we took some leaflets and headed down to the beach club for our first buffet experience.  The air was warm and humid and the resort had familiar tropical plant type smells that I remember from being on holiday in place like Bali and there was a buzz of crickets as we walked along the lantern lit paths down to the beach club.  I’d spotted some small lizards on the walls as we’d walked to our room.

I’d had a slightly nauseous flight and this had continued once I was off the plane and I probably should have taken it a bit easier on the buffet, but I managed to tuck into various salads, meats, cheeses and plenty of dessert!  We wandered around the huge resort and jumped on a little golf type train back to where our room was and by this point it was probably the equivalent of around 3am UK time and so we had an early night at around 10pm. 

After around 5 hours at 2am Mexican time we were both aware that we were both awake and that the room next door was playing extremely loud Mexican music through the TV – Alan went to reception to ask to be moved, and I could hear their telephone ringing (I don’t think they answered) and then a security guard managed to knock at their door and got them to turn down the music and we managed to get back to sleep.

We woke up at around 8am and decided to head down to book our excursions.  We booked for Xel Ha a waterpark with natural rivers and caves to explore that Alan’s brother had recommended and for Xichen Itzu which was the main reason that I’d wanted to go to Mexico.  

We met some Scarlet Macaws that were in Lobby area and looked like a cute couple grooming each other and squawking.  We then headed for breakfast at the buffet which had been temporarily moved to the Beach Club and we feasted on a whole range of continental and Mexican breakfast food as well as the mythical “breakfast pudding” where I sampled some lovely hot chocolate with croissants to dip in.  Buffets are never a good idea for me as I love to try everything which usually means even if I only put a tiny portion of each thing on my plate, I end up massively overeating. 

We then we exploring the Occidental resort and started nearby where we had eaten breakfast which was the saltwater swimming pool and were delighted that there were Sergeant Major fish and even a puffer fish swimming around our feet and nibbling our toes!  We relaxed on some sun loungers and I read a little more of one of the books that I had brought on holiday “The Art of Travel” by Alain De Botton and we got to enjoy some of the “all inclusive” perks by getting some cocktails brought to us.  It then started to spot with rain, and then it rained a bit more so we decided to head back towards the room.  We took a quick look at the gym and the spa and ended up booking for 4.30pm a relaxing “Moon and Stars” couples massage…as the name suggests it should have been outside, but in the end due to the torrential tropical rain, it was in one of the very nice treatment rooms and included a bottle of wine.

We headed down for our massage and got to enjoy half an hour in the hot tub and drink some mint water before we went in for our treatment.  The massage we booked was 80 minutes long and enjoyed a very relaxing time and I was delighted that my back (which had been sore before we travelled anywhere and had been made worse by all the flights) felt much better.  After the massage finished we put on our robes and went into a room to drink our wine and it was very cute that there was a heart made from tealights and rose petals on the floor.  We drank the wine and then headed back to our room in theory for a rest before dinner, but ended up falling asleep and waking up at 10pm!  So we decided to just carry on sleeping – we must have been very relaxed indeed!

The following morning was an early start for us as we were going to Xel Ha!  The frustration was that breakfast didn’t start until 7am, but our pick up for the excursion was 7.15am!  We managed to find a small coffee stand that wasn’t in the “all inclusive” part of the deal and bought some coffee and pastries and made our way to the pick-up point where we were given our wrist bands for the day.  The coach didn’t take too long to Xel Ha, what took the most time were the multiple pick up points at the Hard Rock hotel. 

We arrived at Xel Ha and followed our guides instructions to one of the larger changing points “Brown” and I put my neoprene socks on as well as my swimming costume.   Xel Ha is like a natural water park and we saw beautiful trees and greenery surrounded by turquoise water.  We walked up to the bottom of the river and jumped on some bike to cycle around 1km up to the top of the river.  As we walked to the bikes, Alan nearly tripped over a huge Gecko lizard at the side of the path!  The bike ride was about 1km and I made sure to track it on Strava, the forest was humid and smelled of a fresh jungle smell and it was a refreshing ride with a bit of a breeze as we cycled and swerved to avoid trees.

We got to the top of the river and took the option of jumping in an “inner tube” rubber ring and putting on some life vests to float down the river and we let the very gentle current pull us along the mangrove section of the river and spotted a few points of interest like the “Cliff of Courage”.  

We got to a section where we got off the rubber ring and climbed up some “Ninja Warrior” type ropes and tried to cross from one platform to another – I gave up quickly and just jumped back into the water.  Alan managed to get across the whole of the rope bridge in one go, I gave up when my arms felt like I was having to stretch them out of their sockets to reach the rope.   

Jumping back in the inner tube, we continued to the “end” of the river signified by a checkered flag and jumped onto the zip line which was one of my favourite bits of the day.

By 11am we were pretty peckish and I was keen to try out the Mexican buffet, but after we’d wandered up there it wasn’t open until 11.30am so we walked over the floating bridge to the other side of the inlet to use up some time.  The bridge was very wobbly and it was if you were drunk trying to cross it!  Around Xel Ha there are lots of points where you can scan a bar code on your wrist band and then look at the nearby camera for a photo and so we spent some time swimming in a cave and trying to get photos, but managing to look the wrong way! 

Back at the Mexican buffet we were first in the queue and I took full advantage to sample as many different Mexican dishes as possible including some Mexican coffee with Churros to dip in and lots of Guacamole! 

After restocking our energy levels we biked back up to the start of the river and picked up some snorkel equipment and this time we snorkeled along the river and clipped our life jackets together so we could point out different fish to each other.  We saw parrot fish, scholes of little neon tetra, more seargeant major fish and some huge deep blue coloured fishes.  When we got to the “Cliff of Courage” again we decided to investigate whether we had enough courage to jump off.  We got out of flippers and snorkles and walked over a bridge up to the jump off point.  It was probably around 4m high, but looked much higher when you go there.  Alan went first and then I quickly scanned my wrist band and jumped getting loads of saltwater up my nose! 


         

After swimming back to the end of the river and dropping off our snorkel equipment we had a couple of drinks and then booked to go on the “Zip Bikes” that were not included in the “All Inclusive” price and walked up to the start of the Zip Bike tour.  The Zip Bikes were sit down bike on a wire that took you on a tour around the forest canopy and down and through some caves, all powered by your pedal power!  The pedaling was harder than I anticipated at times, but it was some amazing views and we got to go quite high up above some of the mangroves and then down into the caves.   There was a wonderful moist rainforest smell as we pedaled away. 

It was nearly time to head back to the bus to get taken back to the hotel so we got changed and walked back past the dolphin area.  We had debated swimming with dolphins, but I wasn’t convinced that it was right and kind for them, from a quick google it didn’t seem like most felt it was good for them and the enclosures looked a bit small, so we decided that it was best not to.  I’m still not sure whether in general it’s good for them to be swimming with humans, more research will be needed.  We bought the photos that we’d taken around the park and look forward to downloading them later.

My stomach had not been well all day, and so we opted for a trip to “Pacos Tacos” for tea and Alan had a spicey taco dish and I had a very simple, but really nice pizza to hopefully be kinder to my stomach than all of the buffet deliciousness!