My first shift as a volunteer vaccination steward

When the announcement for recruiting NHS volunteers via the RVS went out early on in the pandemic, I eagerly entered my details only to not receive the "confirm your email" email (stupid inconsistent hotmail.com email address from 1998). I joined the village support group instead, but didn't end up needing to do anything as it turns out South Milford is a very self supporting community and we all helped each other out as neighbours without really needing to reach out via social media. (Alan was accepted straight away, but didn't get many alerts at all and none at a time when he wasn't working, so again it seems locally we've all been good at looking after those who live near us.)

Then as a St John Ambulance trained first aider, I was excited to receive an email inviting me to apply to be a vaccine volunteer, only I didn't pass the screening at that time (I assume because I am asthmatic and this was before I'd had any jabs at all)

I really enjoy volunteering and get an awful lot of enjoyment from it as well as it being a really important tool for me to manage my mental health. I still volunteered in a few different ways such as continuing to deliver guides through zoom and helping write lockdown running training sessions.

I went for my Covid Booster on Thursday and when I got back Alan mentioned he'd had an email from the RVS about volunteering to be a vaccine steward so I thought I'd see if I could sign up properly using a different email address. This time it worked and I was able to confirm my email address and log onto the GoodSam app. I filled in my details on the app and uploaded my ID and also a recent DBS I'd had through Guides (you don't need this to be a vaccine steward volunteer, but if you have a DBS from within the past 12 months it does allow you to volunteer for different roles if you like such as the "Check in and Chat" role). 

Alan and me then looked on the app for potential shifts that we could choose to volunteer and we found shifts at the Batley & Spen Vaccination Centre on Sunday that needed 2 volunteers so we both signed up. The shifts are 4 hours in duration which is long enough to feel like you are making a difference, but not too long that you feel you've not got time to enjoy your weekend. The app is pretty easy to use and you are able to book onto shifts fairly far in advance if you need to be organised, or you can fill something the following day.

As a Volunteer Vaccine Steward you need to be able to do at least 2 shifts per month and in return you get sent a hi vis. They can take some time to be sent out (c2-3 weeks), but you can volunteer straight away without it - we used our own hi vis vets to help identify us as volunteers today.

We signed up for the 1pm - 5pm shift and so did an LFT test before we left and set off stopping at Starbucks near Ikea on the way. Vaccination centres are typically always blessed with parking and we were able to park close by to the centre on the street. We spoke to the site manager when we arrived who very quickly showed us what we needed to do. One role was to be a greeter at the entrance and show people where to go to get checked in after reading a sign and being offered hand sanitiser and a mask and the other role was in the waiting area, wiping down chairs with sanitising wipes after people had finished using them as well as keeping an eye on people in case they needed any assistance.

For the first 3 hours I cleaned chairs and Alan was at the entrance and it was a fairly steady flow of people and it was a game of skill and memory to work out which chairs had been used and needed wiping down. I was working with another lady who worked for the local authority and so we covered the c12 rows of 6 chairs between us.  We were well looked after and I was given a Capri Sun to drink and offered tea, coffee, crisps, cake and biscuits. In a bit of a lull Alan asked if he could perhaps grab a jab himself as the vaccination centre was offering walk in appointments and so he did and we swapped roles and I went to greet people at the entrance.

The entrance was initially quite steady, but got much busier towards the end of the shift. People were all polite and happy to be getting their jabs and there were quite a few walk-ins who looked relieved when I said just to go and get checked in. I handed out masks, offered directions and hand santiser and reassured people who were worried about being too late or too early. Alan had a much busier hour as he was working on his own covering more chairs, but we were able to wave at each other from a distance.

It was a really positive experience and after the vaccine volunteers had been so kind to my Dad getting his booster in October, it felt good to be able to give something back today. The only mildly amusing interaction was a member of the public who decided to give me feedback on my chair wiping technique and a kid shouting through the door of the centre before I heard his friend whisper "ssh the door is open!"

I sometimes worry about "virtue signalling" when I post these things, but I do it more as a record of my experience and for anyone who has thought about volunteering and was either unsure as they didn't know what to expect, or had put it off for whatever reason, Or for people who didn't realise there are still opportunities to help out. I suspect in the coming weeks after the annoucement today the centres will be even busier, so if you think you'd like to spare a couple of hours I'd really recommend the experience based on how things went for us today. 

A few additional things:

• You can claim expenses for mileage and hand sanitiser
• If you are due a vaccination (first, second or booster) you should be able to get one whilst on your shift
• The staff whether clinical or non clincal and other volunteers work really really hard, we were both knackered after just 4 hours, and these guys do longer shifts many days in a row. Even more respect to them than before!
• And...lots of other FAQ answers here

How #runandtalk helps me

Overjoyed after reaching the end of 91 miles of walking Hadrian's Wall path!

I work in recruitment, or rather I did work in recruitment, at the moment I'm having a small break which is giving me much needed time to do a few very important things and one thing I wanted to do was to tell people a bit about it.  

I don't think that my life is especially noteworthy, but the reason I wanted to write this is because I've been a mental health champion both within work, but also within Hyde Park Harriers and the one thing that is clear is that whilst we have numerous days marking "Mental Health" and the conversation is much more open than when I started my career 20 years ago, it's still clear that some people will be going through incredibly challenging times alone and thinking they are the only people feeling that way.  It's important for people to talk, but it's also important for them to be able to listen and realise that they aren't a terrible individual for feeling like they do because actually others feel the same.

The first thing I always say is that is that mental health isn't a competition and this is something really relevant in Covid times as the vast majority of us have had some pretty awful things happen in the past 18 months and if *your* experiences don't feel as worthy as others to be sad or depressed, but you still can't bring yourself to go out for a run, speak to a friend or even brush your hair it doesn't mean you don't have the "right" to feel sad.  Sometimes it's harder to tackle mental ill health when there isn't an obvious cause so the best advice I can give is that if you aren't feeling yourself or you notice that you are avoiding things you used to enjoy doing regularly, please start a conversation with someone whether that's a good friend, family member, a colleague or a professional.  Likewise if you notice someone you know is behaving differently a simple check-in of how they are or inviting them for a walk can make more of a difference than you might imagine.

So back to me.  I've worked within recruitment for 20 years as of the 1st October this year and during that time I've had barely any time off ill, not missing a single day when I had broken my shoulder and was typing one handed for weeks and on very strong pain killers.  Discovering that I have low self esteem in 2017 (which was cleverly disguising itself as my assuming I am a competitive person) I would be likely to be overperforming in work if there was more horrible stuff that I was having to deal with outside of work.  Work was escapism and a place where generally if you worked hard you'd get validation, that you were a worthy person by beating colleagues on monthly sales league tables. I even went into work to sell a retained advertising package for a senior role less than 24 hours after being mugged in the work car park and was most likely mildly concussed after being hit on the back of the head twice.  

Recruitment is always a competitive industry and to a certain extent I thrive in this environment. Certainly in covid times I was always grateful to be working throughout, even if it was flat out at home with the physical boundaries between work and home removed.  I was notching up 50 - 60 hour weeks with nothing to distract me away from the laptop with hundreds of emails and tasks to be done.  I worked for a well established large recruitment firm since 2008 and I led my small team through the  covid crisis and we started to break records.  I was consistently anxious, worried and finding the world a challenging place, but work remained a safe place for me and I knew I get paid at the end of each month.

In January this year there were a few changes and that is the norm in large recruitment businesses.  I had a new boss who I'd not really met or worked with before and we went straight into the 3rd lockdown.  I don't know why exactly, but this new relationship didn't work.  I carried on doing my job and my team continued to perform really well, but in Februrary I noticed I was waking up every morning with a headache.  This wasn't a new thing as I have had this before when I've been under stress and would typically go when the stress dimished, but as time went on in March I was still struggling and even focussing on my laptop screen was a challenge in the morning.  

In March I went to see a fellow HPH for an eye test and all was normal and so I called my GP who was rather unhelpful and suggested it was because I had too much screentime.  I knew that this was unlikely to be the issue as the headaches were very recentl and I was fortunate to be able to use a my health insurance for a private GP appointment who referred me to a neurologist.  In June I had MRI brain scans which were all clear and was diagnosing with chronic low level migraine and prescribed Amitriptyline that acts as a preventative medication taken about an hour before bed.  The challenge many people have is that it can make you very drowsy the following morning and not being a morning person already, it did make the first couple of hours of work very challenging

The headaches were slightly better, but still there and alongside this I had begin to realise after doing a little health, wellbeing and purpose audit as a result of reading Dr Alex George's book - "Live Well Every Day" (and no I've never watched an episode of Love Island!) that change was needed for me in work.  I identified that my key passions and purpose revolve around health and wellbeing, nature and conservation and helping and supporting people.

I started to consider a few different options, but nothing progressed very quickly and things started to get more challenging at work when it was very clear that there were quite deep misunderstandings between myself and my boss.  Running alongside the challenges at work over the summer were a number of family issues with my immediate family who all live 5 - 6 hours drive away.  My Dad was suddenly diagnosed with a silent stroke and Parkinsons and over the space of a week lost mobility to walk without shuffling and use fine motor skills and then two weeks later my brother had some serious issues with his young family as well.  

I take some responsibility for the challenges at work as I'm sure I could have made more proactive efforts to build a better relationship with my new boss, but when I noticed I was being excluded from meetings, I asked for a catch up and it was clear that my longer term aspirations and the company plans for me were totally different.  I proposed some solutions of what I could do that were being considered, but then early September I got back from leave to discover some very major changes had happened, but that no one had told me.  After a discussion with my husband Alan we concluded that I should resign from a job that I had for a long time and had provided me with significant financial and personal security without anything lined up to go to.  

Over my lifetime I've had different strategies to manage my mental health including talking therapy and at one point I was on various anti-depressants for 12 years, but drawing upon past experience. I felt very strongly that how I was feeling this year was my mood responding to a situation and that if I could change the situation my mood would improve without needing to use anti-depressants.  (I would like to re-emphasis that there is nothing wrong with using anti-depressants, but I personally wanted to make sure on this occasion I'd explored other solutions first)

First Tuesday was of course #runandtalk day and I was looking forward to relaunching in-person #runandtalk and whilst I was naturally feeling worried about everything that was going on, I knew that a run with friendly people would make me feel better and it really did.  We ran, jogged and walked around the city centre on a warm evening chatting away and taking time to smell the roses and look at some beautiful landscape photographs outside of the town hall and I knew that whilst I was making a scary change, I had people around who were really supportive and that I'd be ok.

Rolling forward 6 weeks and I'm in a very different place.  I managed to hand everything over at work which was a challenge as I had a lot of pre booked annual leave and so only had 14 working days to finish everything and my last day of employment conincided with me completing the Hadrian's Wall Path walk (91 miles in 7 days)  Spending time being active in nature and beautiful surroundings with Alan was exactly what I needed and guess what - the headaches have more or less disappeared entirely!  I now have something new arranged that I'm looking forward to starting and my anxiety over the years had forced me to save up a bit of a rainy day fund (one "benefit" I suppose of always catastrophising everything from being pre-disposed to anxiety!).  For now I am in a very fortunate position to enjoy resting, focusing on my health, spending time with Alan (cooking him lunch every day!), trying hard to complete writing my novel that I started last year, helping my family and getting ready for a fresh start.  

I've not really talked much about running in this post (and I've done a lot of it this year to help with headaches and my mood), but then much like parkrun for me #runandtalk is more about the talking than the running.  It's about getting out of the house, into the fresh air and moving your body and noticing the world around you whilst being around friendly and supportive people.  You don't even really need to talk, I'm sure there have been people who have come along and said very few words, but go away feeling that they've done something positive with their evening and that can sometimes be far more important than people would imagine.

#runandtalk will mean something different to everyone, but as one of the Mental Health Champions for HPH I want it to be somewhere you can come to be active and social (even if that's not talking, but just being around people).  In our sessions we've talked about everything from our favourite type of biscuit to some more mental health specific topics, but no one is forced to disclose anything they aren't comfortable in doing and it's always good fun.  I share my experiences not for pity or praise, but because I hope to make a difference to that person who doesn't feel like anyone else could begin to understand what they are going through, that might have lost hope and I just want to create a friendly and safe community who will be there on the first Tuesday each month to offer support.  I am fortunate that I love running, I love talking, I love being outside in green spaces and I loving supporting people and so being a #runandtalk mental health champion and even a regular HPH leader helps me enjoy all of these elements and if any of this has resonated with you then please come along to the next #runandtalk session on the 2nd November we'd love to have you there.  If you're interested in becoming a Mental Health Champion you don't need any specific qualifications, just ideally lived experience of mental health either personally or through supporting someone else and willingness to give it a go - get in touch if you want any more details or have any questions.

In the meantime, I sincerely hope everyone is doing ok, but if you are struggling, please reach out to someone or if you don't feel you have anyone to talk to - here are some helpful contacts:

• Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), email jo@samaritans.org or visit some branches in person. You can also call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).

• SANEline. If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).

• National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK. Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (open 24/7).

• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). You can call the CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) if you are struggling and need to talk. Or if you prefer not to speak on the phone, you could try the CALM webchat service.

• The Mix. If you're under 25, you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (3pm–midnight every day), request support by email using this form on The Mix website or use their crisis text messenger service.

• Papyrus HOPELINEUK. If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling, you can call Papyrus HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 (weekdays 10am-10pm, weekends 2pm-10pm and bank holidays 2pm–10pm), email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 07786 209 697.

• Nightline. If you're a student, you can look on the Nightline website to see if your university or college offers a night-time listening service. Nightline phone operators are all students too.

• Switchboard. If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you can call Switchboard on 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day), email chris@switchboard.lgbt or use their webchat service. Phone operators all identify as LGBT+.

• Helplines Partnership. For more options, visit the Helplines Partnership website for a directory of UK helplines. Mind's Infoline can also help you find services that can support you. If you're outside the UK, the Befrienders Worldwide website has a tool to search by country for emotional support helplines around the world.

I've never felt so young waiting for my

I've been asthmatic since I was around 10 years old and I used to have a blue inhaler that I wasn't very good at taking when I was a child.  Both my parents have always been severely asthmatic and my brother was diagnosed before I was, so I don't fare too badly from what I could have been handed by genetics. I've always gone for check ups and until 2016 I didn't really need much medication for it unless I had a particularly heavy cold, exposure to chemical fumes or a panic attack.  A few years ago I'd noticed it getting worse and so my GP put me onto Symbicort which I couldn't really tell I was taking, but my symptoms improved so we concluded that it was doing as it supposed to and I started having annual flu jabs.  I'm supposed to take my symbicort twice a day and until March last year, it tended to be more likely once a day. 

When Covid came into my consciousness as a respiratory disease I made sure that I was diligently taking both inhaler doses and increased my running to keep my lungs as healthy as possible, especially as back in March/April last year and up until around December, asthmatics were described as clinicallly vulnerable in terms of Covid.  

I've tried to volunteer a few times for both the NHS volunteers and the St John's Ambulance vaccine volunteer scheme, but hotmail seemed to filter out my email and so I couldn't activate it (and anyway, Alan has had the app for months, but had no requests to respond to as we're living in a particularly helpful and community spirited village) and St John's declined me (I think down to my asthma).  I feel quite useless when I know so many people are working so hard to battle covid.  

I was always positive for a vaccine being discovered and so was cheered by the annoucements in December and imagined it wouldn't be too long until they'd be down to the 6th group of people to be vaccinated which included clinically vulnerable people like myself, but they changed the guidance and all asthmatics who hadn't been hospitalised recently and / or were on oral medication were taken off the clinically vulnerable list. 

I was disappointed, but patient as I know for vaccines to work you can never be selfish and they have to be universally available to be effective.  I wasn't about to get a jab and go out hugging strangers, so waiting and isolating longer wasn't any different to what I'd been expecting for the start of the year.  Every relative getting their appointment and every friend on Facebook with their vaccine selfie cheered me immensely as those who needed protecting the most, whether due to an invisible and private condition, age or indeed job was getting the protection they needed to help us get back to a more normal way of life.

In March I learned I was pre-diabetic again.  After having this diagnosis in 2014 I managed to make some lifestyle changes and my yearly HbA1c blood tests were all below the pre-diabetic range until this year.  It's not surprising as the last 12 months have meant that despite running more than usual (around 20 - 25 miles a week), I don't move as much during an average "work" day and I've put on a little weight.  I'm fighting genetics to a certain extent, but when diabetes was highlighted earlier in the pandemic as another condition that could make you more clinically vulnerable it was something else to bother my anxious brain, along with the knowledge that I was born with a heart mumur.

I realise that the above all makes me sound a bit like a hypochondriac, but there is far less to distract me from anxious mind at the moment so these things tend to run around my head in circles with my brain paying these thoughts more attention than they deserve.  It also makes me sound incredibly selfish, particularly looking at the awful things happening in India at the moment, but anxiety and worry isn't a competition and just by looking at those in a worse situation doesn't make most people feel any better.

News article headlines on my news app from The Telegraph declared "all over 40s to have their first vaccine by Easter" and I didn't pay for the subscription, but I hoped they might know something the rest of the press didn't at that point.  As the age groups ticked down and the numbers ticked up and news of "over 50% of adults have now been vaccinated" I had never felt so young at nearly 41 years old.  I even got excited with a phishing email from the NHS about my vaccine, until I realised the email address was total rubbish and I just reported it to hotmail.

When the age got down to those aged 44 and older, or those turning 44 before July, I knew it couldn't be too long before it was my turn.  Using the knowledge of when we've tried to buy Glastonbury tickets I'd stay up past midnight each night and refresh the NHS website to try and see if they'd added a new age category.  Each time it came up with "you are not yet eligible to book" until Thursday evening when the landing page still said 42 and over, but it let me through to book and I was able to get a slot for Saturday in Sheffield Arena at 6.05pm.  There were closer venues, but the wait was longer and I'm not doing much at the moment so it seemed like a good reason for a trip to Sheffield.  I was able to book my second dose for July in York which is a bit closer to get to. 

The main frustration was that Alan having just turned 39 in April was still too young to book so it was hard to be too happy and excited as I know he's really anxious about getting his.  

The thought of getting a vaccine has felt quite emotional.  Whilst I know it won't change anything immediately, it at least feels like a sign of hope and so on my run on Friday evening after work my mind was racing and I had to stop myself crying and having a panic attack (it happens when I cry) when I was running around the village.

I'd been discussing with Alan months back, that I'd like to dress for the occasion and his response had been "what like wearing a hat with fruit?" and ever since then it's been all I can think about!  I'd researched a few options, but some were around £100 to buy on Etsy so in the end I had a fairly limited timescale to get an outfit together.

I got my wedding flowery head dress out (it did actually have some fruit on it!) a skirt that my friend had helped me make out of material inspired by Lichenstein that my neighbour had used offcuts to make masks from.  I also got my snag tights with rainbow colouring and my LED light up shoes.

We set off early as the traffic to Sheffield can be bad if the A1 has any problems, Alan drove me as we guessed I could at least ask the question when I booked in if they had any spare vaccines (they didn't unfortunately and don't take 'walk ins' at Sheffield Arena).  We were about 15 minutes early and so I waited in the car until I could go in.

I first had to sanitise my hands and put on a clinical mask before entering the building and then I checked in my details with my booking reference with a lovely lady who was a volunteer for the Sheffield Hospitals Charity.  The staff and volunteers were all happy that I'd made an effort to look cheerful as they were all cheerful themselves, despite the majority of them telling me that they'd been on shift since around 7am that day.  

I then walked into the main arena and queued up on very spaced out dots.  The last time I was at the Arena I think was to see Eddie Izzard probably around 10 years ago, it looked smaller and weirdly I felt for the volunteers and staff who would have been totally lacking in daylight in the arena.  A child in a buggy chatted about my shoes and after about 5 minutes of waiting I was shown into a cubicle and asked some questions by a friendly guy who pointed out it was my birthday soon and had more details checked on the system.  A nurse then came in to cover a few more essential questions such as any medication I take regularly, any chance I might be pregnant etc and she was friendly and professional, but I think pleased to be coming to the end of her shift as I was told they are each vaccinating around 200 people per day.

I chose my left arm as it's always painful anyway after I broke my shoulder 3 years ago and it was over really quickly and was less painful than a flu jab.  As Alan was driving I didn't have to wait for 15 mins to check I was ok and after being given a sticker and my paperwork I was able to leave at 6.22pm.  It was so professional, friendly and swift, I was really impressed.

Alan drove us back home and I felt a little tiny bit lightheaded, but I often feel like that when as a passenger these days.

I'd specifcally planned nothing for Sunday and Monday in case I felt in anyway bad, but that evening I was fine.  I took some paracetamol as I've been having a lot of tension headaches and sometimes it can be harder to get to sleep.

Sunday we had a lazy morning and then went to the garden centre and did 2 hours of gardening and I was fine.  It was only really about 24 hours after the jab when I felt definitely very tired and fell asleep in front of the TV and again had a bit of a headache.

Monday was similar, but Alan had his own bad headache and so I spent the day binge watching TV (I Hate Suzie) and then I went for a run at 6pm and felt much better.

Tuesday I was logging back on at work and I was completely back to normal.

I know some people are worried about the vaccine, and I've had a few online discussions about vaccines in the past, but, as someone who as a child was allergic to egg and couldn't have the normal childhood vaccines and suffered very badly from mumps, chicken pox and measles I really appreciate that if you can take a vaccine, then I think it's important to do so as it helps protect those who can't and might be more vulnerable.  If you think you might have specific concerns, then talk to your doctor who will know your medical records and what is right for you far better than google and people who have spent over a year with less to distract them from online social media debates.

I am looking forward to Alan getting booked in for his first jab, getting my second done in July and finally getting my ridiculously long hair cut off in celebration to donate to Little Princess Trust.

And just for good measure - thank you NHS, thank you volunteers and thank you all key workers.

January - The second half

It's hard to put too much of a finger on what I've managed to do in the past two weeks.

I've been extremely busy at work and my brain has been I think on the side of being depressed.  It's hard to explain, but I've found myself just as easily distracted as I usually am, but my ability to do usual tasks is as though I'm on go slow.  I can still do what I need to do, but it's just taking a lot longer.  Partly it's because I don't have as hard a deadline as I would do usually as there is no run club to rush to on a Tuesday and no Guides to get back for on a Thursday.  I know I can log on and do more into the early hours of the morning when my brain is typically working better.  I then fall into a vicious circle of being more and more tired and then slower in the mornings.  We finished on budget at work which in any January is a good effort, but with all the uncertainity at the moment, is pleasing.  I've pitched for a couple of roles last week and hopefully should win one of them.

I started a creative writing course "Writing Workout" with The Bowery and have done 2 sessions on Mondays so far.  The first was a intro and the second was re-writing of fairy stories.  I have a good set up to re-write Rapunzel which I need to get onto soon before I forget my ideas.

I completed Red January by running, walking, cycling or doing Pilates everyday and ran a total of 87.5 miles which does put me 19 miles behind my ideal challenge of running 2021 KM in 2021, I may be kind to myself and shift it to running 1021 miles to increase my target last year, but not injure myself by overdoing it.  We even went for a ride outside, but I had to first change a flat tyre before we set off with lots of Alan's help and then another when we were 4 miles away before we came home because we were really cold!

I also completed a full month of The January Challenge by 64millionartists which I really enjoyed and I think having no commute at all helped me get through without the stress of having to do something everyday.

We've been back at Guides for 3 weeks now and the past two weeks we did relaxation and also some games such as two truths and a lie.  We've had more brownies join us as Guides and it's hard to not see them to welcome them, but feedback we have had has been good.

The weather has been wet and cold with potential flood risks in the village, but no more snow.  It's not been as nice to get out and run, but there have been a couple of days with beautiful sunshine and one was earlier this week when I saw Kirstie and Willow out for a walk when I was out for a run and I walked with them for a little while.

Alan has been busy brewing and I've been helping him with pouring sparge water.  He's kegged up a "Mango milkshake IPA" and he's created a "Biscoff Stout" for me which is still fermenting in a snazzy new fermenter.

I had my EMG on my leg on Friday and it was a bit painful - like using Alan's TENS machine too much and my foot twitched and my leg kicked.  The consultant seemed to suggest there wans't anything degenerative or seriously wrong, but that it might not necessarily get much better than the numbness and tingling that I have.

Audi rang me up the week before last and tried to persuade me to trade in my car early which would mean paying £3K of negative equity and an extra £200 per month to get a new car, I will wait until closer to my trade in time in June and make a decision and I might just refinance or take out a different loan and keep mine, especially as I'm hardly using it.

My Dad had his vaccine last Saturday and hopefully my Mum will get hers soon, every person I hear getting a jab gives me hope as we have such a high deathrate at the moment averaging 1000 per day.  We're nearly at 8m having had their first vaccines though so around 12% of the total population and double what we had last time I updated, so I may even get one by the end of lockdown at this rate as I suspect I'll be group 6 as I typically get a flu jab and have asthma.

Thankfully Trump did leave the White House without any further violence and Biden was sworn in.  The inaugration was interesting to watch as I've not watched it before and we watched some of the music tributes until late into the night.

I finished another 2 books and nearly have finished one today - The Two Lives of Lydia Bird and Wallflower at the Orgy and last night we watched The King of Staten Island 

My energy levels have been really low and I was thinking it might be my lack of social contact so I signed onto the parkrun zoom yesterday and today I did a writing zoom with Northern Writers Studio from 10am - 4pm with a break for a run to try and get as far as I could in 21 minutes for my HPH challenge (4.11K today, 4.55K last week, I must plan a better route!).  I managed to rewrite the first chapter of my novel and half of a second, it is slow progress, but I think I'm over a bit of a hump and will keep trying to do a little more each day if I can.

We've carried on with Hello Fresh as usual and had a couple of takeaways from Tokies and one on Friday from The Thack when it opened again for takeaway.

February is only 28 days, so let's see how it feels, at least we have at least an hour extra daylight in the evenings now.

2 weeks into 2021

I wanted to try and blog at least every 2 weeks as we continue to live through an historical event as I want to remind myself of what it was really like.

The first few days were weekend and bank holiday and I had a tired hungover 1st of January, but I managed to get out for a run and kicked off my attempt at Red January and wrote all my goals for 2021.

I was really nervous about having to potentially go back into my office with the Covid cases rising so high in the UK and the first day back was the 4th and my team weren't in so I stayed at home, but by the end of the day we were back in Lockdown.  Not surprising, but frustrating all the same.  I like to feel safe, but what did surprise me was closing schools and the length of the lockdown being until the end of February.  I've been angered by the shoddy food voucher scandal where it's odd that a government so in favour of universal credit would opt for food parcels than give people the power to manage their own finances around buying food for kids.  

My first two weeks at work have felt really hard as the break over Christmas didn't really feel restful despite not doing very much - it's hard to explain.  I've been feeling pretty burnt out.  I don't get through the volume of work as my brain is too slow, I struggle to catch up by working later, but then I'm even more tired the next day.  I'm in a bit of a vicious circle where my emails build up and up and my anxiety starts to build.  Generally we're doing ok, we started the year in a good place and there are still a fair amount of new roles coming through to fill, but the challenge is candidates are especially nervous about moving.  

Outside of work I'm going to think about what I've managed to achieve.

Things I've achieved so far on my 2021 goals:

• Read 2 books - "Stay Home" by Ava Pierce on audible and "How Not to Write a Novel" by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman."Stay Home" was to research in the field of the novel I'm writing, it wasn't great, but helped me work out how to plot and change some of what I'm doing and make it better which is also what "How Not to Write a Novel" has done too, I just need to apply myself and write.
• Recycling - replaced my very old office chair as my back was starting to ache with a beast of a gaming chair with a built in massage pad.  We also bought shelves for the garage and tidied it up (mostly Alan) and then have offered some pallets to one of the Neighbours.  I also took a trip to the Physio on the first Friday of January as my shoulder was really sore and I was nervous that it was freezing up again, but fortunately it was muscular and seems to have settled down this week.
• I've written one letter to my friend Tana and posted her Christmas presents as clearly won't be seeing her until at least March.
• I've done a craft session with my friends today and finished a present for a friend'd baby.
• Our first guides back on Zoom had us doing Taskmaster challenges that was fun and we had 3 new guides join us.
• I've watched one new film A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood which was nice with Tom Hanks and we've typically been watching House of Games and Man Down

We've not struggled for Food as Hello Fresh has continued to work well for us and we had loads left over from Christmas and I managed to get an Asda delivery which arrived as the big dump of snow landed on Thursday this week.  The snow was really pretty and we went for a walk in it on the Thursday and on the Friday slid down to the chemist so I could grab a prescription - it took a long time.  We also cleared up some ice at the bottom of our road and I decided to rebook an appointment for my EMG scan on my leg.

Alan needed some stuff for his office to be set up and so we had a contactless trip to Ikea to pick up an order which felt a bit nerve wracking even though it was for his work.  No one stopped us, we didn't get within metres of anyone else and other than having to wait for around 30 mins in the car it was a nice trip out.

I renewed my car insurance and have reduced my annual mileage estimation to around half and so it dropped from over £515 to just £274 after a bit of shopping around.  

Qubit managed to become a social media influencer when I shared a video of him in a Hello Fresh box that got us 35% off our next 3 boxes.

I also had a an Arvon creative writing catch up and shared a poem that I'd written inspired by the 64 Million Artists January Challenge about Green Parakeets, I might enter it into a competition.  Everyone on the course is really bright and talented and it makes me feel stupid.

I'm generally sleeping ok when I get into bed, but I'm bad at going to bed earlier than around 2am which means I'm averaging 6 - 7 hours a night, I need to get back in the habit of earlier bedtimes.

I've started making kombucha again and Alan spent the day brewing again today inspired by some of the Cyberfest beers we had in December and some new equipment.

My parents seem to be doing ok, but I'm worried they are getting really bored.  No news on a vaccine for them, but my brother had his on Thursday, but had some sombre insights into working in the NHS in London.  As it currently stands 3.8m have had their first dose, around 5 - 6% of the UK population.

In amongst all of this is the ongoing transition of power from Trump to Biden and the insane riot and insurrection of the Capitol Building.  It's really worrying and I hope that it all calms down before Biden's inaugration next week, only a few more days are left and Trump has in the past week been banned from all social media, parler is down and he's been impeached again.  

Let's hope we can start to get back to seeing people again soon as I'm definitely right in the midst of pandemic fatigue.

21 things 21 times in 2021

Off the back of my last post reviewing my 20 x 20 in 2020 challenge, I was itching to get started again and so I've set myself some new challenge and some are repeats of this year, not because I "failed", but because they are things that I want to keep doing more of.

It now meanst I'll be doing 441 things rather than 400 which does seem like a leap forward, but considering I mostly only focussed on this from June onwards I reckon I'll feel ok doing this.

1 - Complete 21 bike rides outside

2 - Donate to charity / recycle 21 bags/boxes/items of stuff

3 - Go to 21 yoga or pilates sessions.

4 - Write 21 letters or postcards

5 - Complete at least 21 crafting sessions - either alone or even better with friends

6 - 21 blog entries - either weekly summary or topic specific

7 - 21 sessions of mindfulness - Ideally I'd do this everyday, but I'm not great at always remembering, so this is a nice achievable target.

8 - 21 walks in lovely places

9 - Leading/backmarking/coaching at least 21 run club sessions in person or remotely

10 - Volunteer at least 21 times

11 - Meet friends for coffee/lunch/catch ups at least 21 times

12 - Read 21 books

13 - Watch 21 new films

14 - Learn 21 grammar topics - despite studying English Language and Literature at University and attending a "grammar" school I never understand what people are talking about with tenses, first person etc to the level I want to, so I'm going to challenge myself to learn 21 new topics around this to help with my writing.

15 - Have 21 days where I complete a social media rest - i.e. don't check Facebook etc - messages from actual humans is ok!

16 - Visit 21 new places (not countries, just different places that I've not been before, whether a restaurant, or a nice place to walk - my Yorkshire Wildlife Trust membership gives me lots of ideas)

17 - Visit the gym / do home work outs 21 times

18 - Plant 21 "things" whether seed bombs or vegetables.  

19 - Watch 21 live music/comedy/guest readings - on zoom or hopefully some in person

20 -  Eat entirely veggie for 21 days

21 - Complete 21 chapters or re-edits of chapters on my novel

Other Targets 

• Run 2021 KM or 1256 miles in 2021 - this is 256 more that last year about an extra KM or 5 - 6 mins per day.
• Ride at least 122.2 hours in 2021 (2 hours and 21 minutes every week on average) to help with the below target - covid permitting!
• Complete half ironman triathlon - Sundowner
• Donate my hair to Little Princess Trust in celebration of getting vaccinated (fingers crossed!)

20 Things 20 Times in 2020 - A review

I'm hugely cautious about writing this because I get thoroughly sick of all the self-congratulatory posts that tend to rear their heads at this time of year and it casts my mind back to one of the memes that was circulating at the start of the pandemic

"If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either: 1.) a new skill 2.) starting what you’ve been putting off like a new business 3.) more knowledge You didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline."

Whilst that might sound like an optimistic meme, I found it incredibly judgemental and restrictive.  Basically condemning huge groups of people into feeling shit about just surviving the most difficult global event of our time.  Those who were homeschooling, those who were in terrible relationships and now couldn't escape an abusive partner, those who lost a job or had a loss of income, those who had never experienced any mental health issues and could be finding just getting out of bed in the morning hugely difficult and of course anyone who was directly affected by covid in terms of a hard recovery or losing people close to them.  

If 2020 showed me anything it was that I am incredibly fortunate and have plenty (probably more than I ever realised) to be grateful for and also that whilst some people walked around saying "We're all in the same boat" I was acutely aware that it was an incorrect statement and that we are certainly all in the same storm, but some of us are in luxury cruise ships, some are in houseboats and some might be like Jack and Rose in the wreckage of the Titanic and holding onto a broken bit of wood.  

It is also true that you can be incredibly fortunate and still have had a thoroughly awful year. All I want to say is that if you are reading this first of all - thank you, it's nice to have an audience and secondly that means you've survived an incredibly challenging year - well done!  As I have said to anyone worrying about gaining weight in lockdown, if you gain weight it means that you have survived a global pandemic.  Judging yourself harshly (or indeed others) isn't helpful in usual situations and now is likely to lower your ability to cope and feel positive so cutting yourself and others some slack is pretty important.  My biggest achievement in reality I think has been helping to support people around me get through everything 2020 has thrown at us.

So all of that sounds like a bit preachy, but I guess I wanted to say that this is a post about what I managed to achieve in 2020 with my goals that I set for the year I turned 40 before I really knew impact a virus discovered around the other side of the world would have on my life.  Importantly this challenge has helped me learn a lot about my psychology and behaviour and how to make positive changes in my life. 

When I updated my blog about my challenge in June about half way through I was around 182 things through my target of 400 so the second half of 2020 I had to pick up the pace a bit!

1 - Complete 20 parkruns - So I adapted the rules on this as sadly we didn't get parkrun back yet in the UK and I achieved 10 parkruns before lockdown and then have been completing "not parkruns" and logging them on the parkrun website.

2 - Donate to charity / recycle 20 bags or boxes of stuff - This was probably one of the more challenging ones to achieve as I always find it hard to part with things and anxiety about covid has made my hoarding tendencies rear their head a little, however we did a big double tip run to sort out the garage at the end of the year and I've posted a couple of books to people and used the local facebook group to rehome a few items, but definitely one to try and do again in the new year.

3 - Go to 20 yoga or pilates sessions. - I achieved this by the end of July, thanks to my great online classes with Mayu and David at West Point Practice

4 - Write 20 letters or postcards - I got to this in the end with a few letters written on the last day of the year.  I love writing and receiving letters so something I'll definitely carry forward.

5 - Complete at least 20 crafting sessions - either alone or even better with friends - I got to do a few with friends at the start of the year and then my very useful craft advent calendar from The Maker Arcade that Alan got me for Christmas helped get me over the line.

6 - 20 sessions of creative writing / blogging entries - This was one of my challenges that was made much easier as a result of the combination of lockdown and Alan studying for an MBA as I did have a bit more time sat at my computer and have completed 120 blog entries, a number of shorter flash fiction pieces and have also got 40371 words into a novel.

7 - 20 sessions of mindfulness - It took me a while to get started on this, but I got there in the end, I do want to make this more a part of my day and need to start to add it as a habit as with more and more condensed stress sat in one place and having a really busy time at work I need more time to quieten my mind.

8 - Today having a stunning walk around Fairburn Ings RSPB nature reserve I realised this is one thing that makes me really happy and so I want to do at least 20 walks or runs around beautiful nature locations. - I hit this as a result mostly of it being the only way to see friends in person and had a few lovely walks around some new and familiar places.  

9 - Leading or backmarking at least 20 run club sessions - Sadly not many of these were in person, I hope to be able to get back to this again soon, but I have shifted the "rules" to make them constructive and counted the coached sessions I developed for the club in lockdown and also the #daylightsavingminds sessions as well.

10 - Volunteer at least 20 times - It would have been good to have mixed this up a bit, but I did successfully manage to do all but 1 guide meeting online since lockdown and I think that the guides got a lot from it (I know that I did)

11 - Meet friends for coffee/lunch/catch ups at least 20 times - Hit this again having to finish off the year doing most of it on zoom, but keeping in touch with people was important.

12 - Read 20 books - At the halfway point I was struggling with this, for years (pretty much since graduating from University where I studied English) I've really struggled with reading for leisure.  I don't know if is attention span from too much smart phone usage, tiredness from long days at work or what, but looking back at the book where I've recorded everything I've read since 1994 was sparse at best for the past few years.  This year however I read a total of 20 books (I finished the last one today, but I don't care as on the 1st January 2020 I was so hungover I don't count that as the start of the year!).  Here's my full list and my favourites were definitely "The Midnight Library", "Girl Woman Other" and "Where the Crawdads Sing".  9 were audio books that I listened to via audible when out running or doing chores 10 were "real" books and one was an ebook.  Given that most of these were from June onwards I'm hoping I can keep up this reading pace as I'm really enjoying it.

1.  I am not your baby mother - Candice Brathwaite (audible)
2. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a FCK - Mark Manson (audible)
3. Uncommon Types - Tom Hanks
4. What Alice Forgot - Lianne Moriarty (audible)
5. Where the Crawdads Sing - Delia Owens
6. How to Stop Time - Matt Haig (audible)
7. It's Not the End of the World - Judy Blume
8. I Heart Vegas - Lindsey Kelk (audible)
9. Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng
10. The Midnight Library Matt Haig
11. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (audible)
12. Fabulous - Lucy Hughes Hallett
13. I Heart London - Lindsey Kelk (audible)
14. Addlands - Tom Bullough
15. Girl, Woman, Other - Bernadine Evaristo
16. Tom Tit & the Maniacs - Mark Connors
17. The Wife - Meg Wolitzer (audible)
18. Phone Detox - School of Life
19. Notes on a Nervous Planet - Matt Haig (ebook)
20. I Heart Christmas - Lindsey Kelk (audible)

13 - Watch 20 new films - I wasn't as structured as recording all the new films that I watched so in the past week I've had to smash through a good few Christmas Films, again I hope in 2021 we can get back to cinema film trips hopefully.    I think my favourites were "It's a Wonderful Life" and "1917".

1. 1917
2. Starter for 10
3. Hunger Games
4. The Voices
5. Hidden Figures
6. Arrival
7. Catfish
8. The Departed
9. Silence of the Lambs
10. Hannibal
11. Athlete A
12. Freaks
13. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
14. The Kindness of Strangers
15. Above Suspicion
16. It's a Wonderful Life
17. Scrooged
18. Bad Santa
19. Little Shop of Horrors
20. Secret Garden

14 - Spend 20 hours learning something new - I managed to achieve this across a number of short Arvon courses that were 2 hours long, joining a writers group that my friend Lauren is a member of in real life in London who are all now meeting remotely and I did a full Arvon week course and also a day at The Bowery in Leeds which was supposed to be in March, but happened in September eventually with us all wearing facemasks and reading out our writing to each other.  The author Mark Connors I thought was really down to earth and made writing very accessible and I bought and enjoyed his book written in the voice of a 10 year old at the time of the Yorkshire Ripper.

15 - Get at least 8 hours sleep 20 times (this is a challenge as my regular 11daytime sleep is only 6.5 hours) - I managed to achieve this only as a result of lockdown and working from home.  My Lifecycle app told me that in 2020 my average night of sleep was 7 hours and 27 minutes which is up from 2019 which was 6 hours 53.  The issue I've created for myself is that my body clock has shifted later and later, so I definitely need to readjust this to make mornings less challenging - I could maybe even try and get out for a run first thing!

16 - Visit 20 new places (not countries, just different places that I've not been before, whether a restaurant, or a nice place to walk) - luckily I got to go to Riga in Latvia and Barbados before lockdown (even if that trip was abruptly curtailed) it meant that many of my new places were much closer to home, but it just added a different edge to my challenge.  Here is my list of places - my favourite was probably Keld in October when we got to use our wedding present glamping voucher.  I also loved Hannah Park which is where Alan had sponsored a plot of woodland for my anniversary present.

1. Tavassoli's Cafe & Grill
2. Press Play
3. The Foundary
4. Riga - Pullman Hotel
5. Riga - bobsleigh
6. Riga - KGB Museum
7. The Quarry - tapas
8. Savannah Beach
9. Huntes Garden
10. Harrisons Cave
11. Barbados nature reserve
12. Crystal Cove
13. Walton Colliery
14. White Coppice
15. Skipwith Common
16. Runswick Bay
17. Hannah Park
18. Keld
19. Top Withins
20. Pompocali

17 - Visit the gym at least 20 times (pretty sure I didn't manage this in 2019) - Online Zumba, Occulus Quest and Ring Fit sessions got me there eventually, but I need to be more disciplined this year as just running is going to get me injured at some point!

18 - Plant 20 "things" whether seed bombs or vegetables. - I got there in the end with a few different strategies and Hayley & Flower donated some pallet collars and so I now have raised beds and grew my own carrots, potatoes, tomatoes, artichokes, herbs, raspberries, strawberries and planted a lot of flowers.

19 - Watch at least 20 live music acts (should be achievable as we are least going to Blue Dot festival again and hopefully might still get tickets to Glastonbury in the resales - fingers crossed!) - I tried, I booked and then had cancelled some socially distanced drive through Gigs to see Dizzie Rascal and the Lighting Seeds - hopefully it will happen this year.  My end total was zero.

20 - Get to work without driving at least 20 times (I'll cheat if needed and include working from home!) - Lockdown made this impossible *not* to achieve.  I miss elements of commuting, but I definitely don't miss the traffic jams I would regularly get stuck in.  

Additional challenges completed:

• Run 1000 miles in 2020 -  I was behind on this when we went into lockdown in March, but I soon caught up as it was the main legitimate way to leave the house, I hope my main running buddy gets to join me again at some point and also that I get to do more parkruns, races and team runs again!
• Go 1 whole year not buying any "new" clothes (underwear etc was ok) - not leaving the house obviously helped with this, but in 2020 I bought a new sports bra, a new swimming costume (pre lockdown!), 3 pairs of tights, a second hand coat and a second hand top and one new pair of trainers.  

So importantly what have I learned from these challenges?  I'm really proud of what I've achieved and whilst it's not a qualification or something you can necessarily put on a CV, it helped me maintain momentum in pursuing projects that in isolate might seem too big to start or make a dent in.  Things I've learned about my psychology.

• Don't be Negative - Prior to this challenge, my resolutions would look like this picture below. Very much about restricting something or not doing something, negative in focus.  Whilst there's not essentially anything wrong with some of them like "not be late for anything" the minute I was late it would make me give up on pursuing that goal and make me feel like a failure.  A lot of them are also not measurable and vague and give no clear start or end point, so inevitably I wouldn't start at all. 

                                                          

• If I want to reduce some negative behaviours, make less space for them by adding in positive things that reduce the space for negatives to inhabit - By tasking myself to read 20 books, catch up with friends 20 times or do craft -  it meant that was a lot of time that I couldn't spend "doom scrolling" on social media or other things that are less productive.  It also made me plan in good things to do and look forward to rather than dread not being able to do something or having to try and persuade myself to do something "less".

• Flexibility is key! - In the running community there is something that people enjoy called "Run Streaking" where you run at least 1 mile every day for as long as you want to maintain a streak.  Part of this appeals to me, but I know that my anxious and addictive personality could fast make this something that would make me fall out of love with running, as it would potentially become a chore rather than something that I looked forward to.  Sometimes I don't want to or can't leave the house on a particular day, I know I need to be careful to configure my goals so that I can be flexible to life in general.  Instead of targeting myself to run every day or *do* something every day, week or month I've set goals that you can adjust and focus on as life allows.  My 1000 mile target was good as I could do something different each week and keep me interested.  I could catch up if I fell behind or get ahead if I wanted to.  I couldn't "fail" if I had one day when I didn't fancy going out for a run.  Equally I could have been strict and said that I had to "read" actual paper books for my 20 books count, but again by using audio books I'm still expanding my reading and being flexible with how I fit it into busy days.

• Make the goals relevant to your passions - I deliberately chose things I'm interested in and I knew would benefit me in some way.  I know that if I'm not interested in something it's likely to get bumped down the list of things I have to do (there are several things on my to do list that I've had up as post it notes on my wall for over 6 months!)  Don't choose someone else's list as you won't be engaged or interested in completing your challenges!

• Small is beautiful - "How do you eat an elephant?  One mouthful at a time." if you want to achieve something bigger, work out a couple of smaller steps that get you closer there.  I've always wanted to write a novel, I'm not there yet, but if I'd set myself a goal of "write a novel" in 2020 there is a very good chance I'd have done nothing.  Instead by getting myself into writing blog posts, flash fiction, short pieces etc I've now managed to get about 40% through a novel.

So it's a new year, I don't necessarily need to set any goals, but I think I'll genuinely miss my challenges so I'm going to set myself some tomorrow, because after all 1st January is a completely arbitrary number.  You can choose to challenge yourself or make changes at any point in the year and it's probably better to not do it when your sleep deprived, hungover and cold! 

2020 was mostly out of our control, 2021 will hopefully be better and so I'm going to focus on controlling what I can and celebrating the small things that have helped to keep my mental health on an even keel this year.  

And if I get to the end of 2021 achieving nothing on my list...guess what I'll have achieved another year surviving a global pandemic and that's something that I'll be immensely proud of.