Today was my day off...in theory...I knew I had a call and I had a few other things to do, I'm so busy at the moment and it's feeling hard to switch off. I got woken up by Qubit making his "I've caught a creature" noise and so I went down and found him with a dead bird. I put the bird in a plastic bag and by the front door and went back to bed. I then heard him rustling around the milk bottles by the front door, so went down again and moved Alan's bike so that I could shut the door to the hall. Maya then came upstairs and was sick twice next to the bed onto the beige carpet that we definitely wouldn't have chosen if we had carpeted it!
I stayed in bed mooching around for a bit watching videos and read a bit of Where the Crawdads Sing (I'm way behind in my reading schedule for my Uni of Leeds Alumni bookclub) and Alan brought me a coffe and then I got dressed and went down to make breakfast at around 11am and I made scrambled eggs on toast for brunch and listened to The Archers and the High Low podcast. I did some work and prepped for a call that I had at 2pm with a client. We heard a noise and Alan thought there was some post, he said "Lucy did you just leave that bird out?" and the little sparrow I thought that Qubit had killed was still alive, I'd put it in a bag and it had pooed into the bag, but fortunately managed to peck it's way out and Alan opened the front door and it flew away. I weirdly felt more sad that I nearly killed it by accident and it survived than potentially if it was just dead. At least he got to fly away.
We watched PMQs and it was mostly Bojo chanting 3 word slogans "build build, build" and "jobs, jobs, jobs" it's frustrating. I wish they would be kinder and more strategic with their solutions. It was later announced that if you go and eat out you'll get 50% up to £10 off a meal Monday to Wednesday. I love eating out and I feel really conflicted as I want to do everything I can to support good restaurants, pubs and even good chain restaurants, but I am worried that this is too soon to be piling back into public spaces.
I had my client call at 2pm and it went well, and I managed to do some work on the role that I'd picked up which was positive. I then ate some left over orzotto from Saturday for a late lunch at walked to my friend Gemma's house to take her 1 year old out for a walk in the buggy. Gem is finding balancing her return from mat leave in lockdown really hard as her husband's role is really busy and her little one is lively. I've been meaning to help out for ages, but this was probably the first time it felt safe and within the guidelines to do so. I took little one in the buggy for a walk and santised my hands and Gem put her in so I didn't have to touch her and she was in front of me all the time other than when I'd stop and check in from a safe distance. We walked a good 5K together and I realised that my watch wasn't registering my steps on the buggy! She seemed happy with me, no tears, she pulled her socks off and kicked her legs and fortunately the weather held and I've said that I'd take her out again tomorrow.
I got in and faffed around a bit more doing some work as I had interviews to arrange and I messaged a lot of people about the job.
It was my friend Han's birthday today and she got the art equipment that I'd sent her from The Works and she did 2 drawings - I said it was a DIY birthday card. I hope that she's had a good day.
Alan kindly cooked tea which was delicious a Hello Fresh recipe of pulled chicken burgers wtih salad and chips (he added liquid smoke which made it delicious) and I didn't run and I felt bad about not going for a run, but I'm very tired - so tomorrow I'll go twice as far. We watched some Spooks which is really great! I also booked my online course for tomorrow at Arvon. Alan then went up to bed so I watched some more Catfish.
We woke up late again this morning, mostly because we were so warm even with the fan on full blast, but mostly because I made the mistake of engaging with my Mum's friend on one of her posts on Facebook. My error here is that she's retired, a staunch brexiteer and hits the return button so often that there are more comments pinging all over the place. I wish there was a feature on Facebook to block certain people's comments appearing from a certain time in the evening... it has my heart palpitating and my mind racing!
We got up and I had some cornflakes and coffee for breakfast after I'd dealt with a couple of work matters.
I got drawn back into the ongoing Facebook debate, I'd posted a video last night prompted by the (to me) inexplicable loyalty to some of the government actions during the discussion. I remain convinced that you can still be loyal to a Government or political party or a country and yet disagree with a policy or action of an MP or special advisor. Critique and opinion forms better ideas and policy, and in this situation as my Mum asks me "How would you do better?" I think my awareness that I know very little about virology would mean that I would collate as many scientists as possible to help me. I'd look at the world and steal all the ideas that had worked well and I'd make sure messaging was clear - "Stay Alert" is not a clear message when it comes to a microscopic and invisble virus, if it was a war maybe, but it's not. The wartime rhetoric that has been invoke is problematic for many reasons, not least that as a globe we are stronger to collaborate globally to contain the virus and develop a vaccine. Anyway, this was the video - Jordan Klepper vs. Trump Supporters This particular person was clearly provoked by this (although I provided no commentary on it, just the link and some thinking emojis) and she went into an overloaded rant and a few comments later was talking about Brexit and calling it the "Chinese" virus. I shared a quote that I'd found on a Psychology Today article
"Our survival will not be enhanced by racism or denial of racism. On an individual level, our immune systems are enhanced by compassion and community, and damaged by contempt." and also the link from the WHO as to why it's not helpful to name diseases based on country of origin.
After we'd wasted far too much time on this I'd changed into my run kit to test my knee out on a gentle run with Alan. Qubit brought in a baby bird that he'd caught and killed which still makes me sad even though he does it far more frequently than any other cat I've lived with.
We ran a different route today through the fields and over the railway and I was trying to find some street art for my photo challenge. It was really warm and so there was lots of walking, I tried to top the run up to over an hour for a full 8 Vitality Points, but it only gave me 5. Fortunately my step count took me up to over 12500 so I did end up with the full points. My knee is still sore, but it seemed ok to do just over 7K so hopefully it's just a niggle that will go away easily.
We'd not had lunch and had not much time before our 6pm online DJ session so we had the remainder of a treacle tart and cream for lunch before showering, changing and getting a few more songs ready for our DJ set. Alan had done some visuals and we'd created a playlist themed around the political events of the week - not too serious, just themed around Dominic Cumming's jaunt to the north and inspired by some dancing rumours.
In the midst of getting ready Qubit came running into the house with a baby rabbit. We thought it was dead, but Alan prised it out of his mouth and he hopped off. We had no spare boxes to hand and the rabbit managed to get upstairs and we had to empty the washing basket and catch it. I took him out to the paddock in front of the house and slowly tipped him out and he hopped off into the field. He was really cute and it still upsets me that Qubit is such a big hunter, at least he was ok.
We Djed for 2 hours, I made a few mistakes, the feed went a bit sketchy and I'm not sure I'm getting any better, but Alan enjoyed playing with his app that he's just finished coding.
Alan then made chicken stir fry for tea and we watched Have I got News for You and more Friends. We noticed Qubit was limping a bit, although would let us look at his paw and ther wasn't an obvious injury so we are keeping an eye on him and hope that he'll be ok tomorrow. He was also happy to eat his dinner and some treats, so hopefully will be fine.
And so to bed, late again...I need to get better at going at a proper time.
In the week commencing the 9th March this year I was pretty anxious. I'm usually bubbling up and down with a bit of anxiety about most things, it's how my brain is hardwired and fortunately age and experience helps me manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm me as much these days.
This week was a bit different though because I had my usual travel anxiety of going away on honeymoon to Barbados (we got married in September 2019, but had decided to do a proper break in March 2020), anxiety of leaving a busy recruitment desk for a week, still some anxiety around politics and Brexit, but then this new anxiety about Coronavirus. I knew that I wouldn't be alone in this anxiety, so I shared my thoughts in a blog post at work and on LinkedIn as I know from my role as a mental health champion within work and within my running club that the biggest issues people tend to face when they've contacted me for a chat is that they feel like they are the only ones with odd and unsettling feelings going through their head. Just helping people understand that they are not alone and should not feel ashamed about talking about how they are feeling is important.
As Friday 13th loomed when we were heading down to Gatwick to stay over the night before our flight, I wasn't sure whether we'd get to the airport to be turned around and go back home. We had a few bottles of hand sanitiser and I was stocked up on vitamins and soap in my luggage. The Virgin Atlantic staff advised us that Barbados were increasing their quarantine restriction levels and there was a chance we could be quarantined upon arrival for 14 days "but we're only travelling there for 10 days?" the lady shrugged and whispered "I'd still fly if I was you".
The flight was calm and pleasant, we washed our hands more frequently and used hand sanitiser before eating and when we landed they heat scanned us as we got off the plane and interviewed us for our movements and symptoms before we were allowed through immigration. The hotel had a fair amount of hand sanitiser everywhere and from the first evening to the next the buffets went from being unstaffed to only being allowed to have your food put on your plate by a member of staff. It was a surreal experience of being in a tropical paradise, getting grief from my Mum to fly back immediately from a coronavirus free country and constantly checking the Foreign & Commonwealth page for updates. We moved onto another hotel for the second of our 3 days and on the morning we were due to check out we had a missed call from a Gatwick number and Virgin Holidays cancelled our "holiday" (basically the next 3 night hotel booking) as they'd not realised we were already in Barbados. Alan also had a nervous couple of hours when we thought the call was from the airport parking as the app for his car showed it as unlocked (we did manage to lock it through the app remotely). We then tried to call Virgin Atlantic to see what the advice on our flight was on the evening of the 22nd March, couldn't get hold of anyone after 1 hour on hold. Alan checked with the insurance company who said they'd cover us for a return flight as the FCO guidance had changed to no non-essential travel. We logged onto BA and the first flight we tried to book as we clicked "pay" bounced back as fully booked. Fortunately we managed to get onto a second flight that day at a cost of £1400 each. We took a taxi to the airport and emailed the rep to say we'd not be needing the second 3 night hotel booking and wouldn't be attending the catamaran cruise we'd booked. Whilst this is in the scheme of things a very small inconvenience, as I type this out it makes me feel really sad as it really hits home that it was the end of an extended "normality" we had come to expect and enjoy.
In the plane poor Alan at 6"4 was crammed into an economy seat for the 9 hour flight back with his legs twisted to fit in. We sat next to an elderly lady who had been staying in Barbados with friends for an extended break of several months and was due to fly back on the same day we were, but her daughter had booked her onto an earlier flight out of concern and I shared my hand sanitiser with her as we ate our meals. The way my anxious brain works is that I still think about this very transient acquaintance and hope that she's still ok.
We landed in Gatwick had no checks other than a self service passport scan and collected our luggage. We found our way to the carpark and set off home picking up Alan's brother's dog on the way as he was staying with a friend whilst his family were on holiday. Their holiday was also cut short and they had a more complex return. The roads were busy and the service stations didn't seem to have clicked that people should be socially distancing.
Since then it's been almost like we've been in a film. I went on annual leave and haven't been back into the office ever since. My smart shoes are under my desk at work, my rice cake snacks are in the drawers going stale and I've not seen any of my colleagues in person for over 2 months. I've not even driven into Leeds at all, in fact in over 2 months I've driven a total of 25 miles and I sometimes go and look at my car to remind myself that it's still there.
At the moment we hear the phrase "we're all in this together" trotted out, but I reflect on this and think of the other analogy used that "we're all in the same storm, but not in the same boat" and feel that is a more true view of the Covid world.
When Alan and I decided to move in together and we found a house in a more remote rural location of our lovely village in South Milford I don't think we ever imagined that we'd spend all of our time here and quite so much time with each other. Fresh back from honeymoon we are fortunate that we both love and like each other and so our lockdown together has been relatively conflict free. We don't have children and so we are able to focus on our own needs without the challenge of balancing household chores, working from home and home schooling. Many people I've spoken to have described the guilt to me of deciding whether to focus on work or home schooling and until recently whether to go out for their own exercise to clear their head or take a walk with their family - thankfully this situation has been eased a bit with the updated restrictions.
We have been fortunate that we can get all the groceries that we've needed via the amazing drive through farm shop near by at Bert’s Barrow, click and collect from Tesco as well as our usual evening meals through Hello Fresh. We are also in a remote location so at anytime of day I can go for a walk or run and social distancing isn't a problem. I'm incredibly grateful that whilst my work and income has suffered as a result of Covid - 19, I still have a job to occupy my time and an income that covers my outgoings. For me this is a massive comfort as I don't do well with too much time on my hands or without sufficient distractions. Most of all I'm incredibly lucky that I've been mostly symptom free and in good health and so far most of my family, friends and acquaintances have been too. However, sadly I know a few people that I know who have both had Covid and have recovered, but also those who have not been as fortunate. I think about these people often and have no idea of what I can say to offer comfort in these impossibly physically distant times.
This week is mental health awareness week with a theme of kindness (a major prompt for me to get some sort of blog out at last) and it's also the week I enter a new decade turning 40 on Tuesday. During my 40 years I've experienced depression, anxiety, OCD and self esteem issues, 8 weeks into lockdown and a global pandemic I'm doing ok. Back at the beginning of April I read this article and certainly some of what was written really echoed with me - having a long track record of dealing with mental health challenges I have managed to develop a tool kit of skills and methods to help me keep as even a mood as possible. In brief these are:
- Regular exercise that has me break a sweat
- Getting some fresh air, daylight and looking at views/nature
- Eating as well as I can - fresh fruit and veg and not too much sugar
- Avoiding too much caffeine and alcohol
- Getting a decent amount of sleep
- Regular social activity with friends
- Craft / creative outlets (time away from screen)
- Limiting social media / news
- Volunteering - spending time focussing on others
As soon as we arrived back home I knew that I needed to be quite strict about these and so I've generally been sticking close to this plan each week. I've not necessarily done all of them perfectly, but doing as many as I can as often as I can as I know that if I don't look after myself it's easy to fall into bad habits and then a subsequent bad mood.
One of the universal struggles that I think everyone has is that the old "rule book" has been suspended. For those of us with self esteem niggles (indeed even those who have never had any self esteem issues may find the current world more difficult) we might have validated ourselves by competing in races or running with friends and knowing that we can keep up with a certain person or in a particular running group. At work in my recruitment sales job you'd compete with an external competitor and beat them to a candidate or a job and chalk up a fee on the board, or you'd be used to billing the most in an office, a region or a discipline you could be "better" than others or the "best". In both of these areas we are the *same* people we were before, we are as skilled or fit as we were before and can put in the same amount of effort, but we are likely to not be experiencing the same outcomes. Does this mean we are no longer worthy? Does that mean we are all now bad at our jobs or running? Have we no longer got what it takes to be successful?
Someone once coined the phrase "form is temporary, class is permanent" and I think that is certainly true now. Individually we can't control what happens with the global response to this virus, we can't control whether the lockdown remains or is lifted and whether this is the *right* thing to do. We can look out of the window and get angry with those people we see not socially distancing (for this I found this article a very useful read). We can get in rows with people on social media. We can get into a spiral of thinking that makes it impossible to step out of the door for a run or pick up the phone and make a call. Worst of all we can get stuck in a funk without our friends and colleagues noticing and asking how we are or just being around in a better mood to lift our spirits by osmosis. This is one of the hardest things we are likely to face and we must draw on all the resources we have available to help ourselves get thorough it together. Whilst we are physically distanced it's important to be socially connected.
I've never before spent quite so much time staring at my own face (or indeed quite so little time wearing no make- up!) on video calls and it is not the same as personal interaction. I know from my own personal circadian rhythms that my energy levels in the mornings are lower than the afternoons and evenings, but that meetings in person energise me - unfortunately I don't get the same energy boost from a video call and in fact find these can be more energy draining. However, it's not about beating myself up for feeling this way as we aren't comparing the same things here, it's about working out how to operate more effectively in this strange world. It's about trying something different and working out what is best for you. Here are a few ideas about what has helped me with work.
- As tempting as it is to stumble from bed, into your clothes and in front of the laptop, try and go outside, even if for a few seconds so that you punctuate the start of your day with some natural light and fresh air.
- Every hour get up and walk away from the screen - usually you'd make a coffee, chat to a colleague, meet a candidate or client or at least stare into the distance - avoid eye strain and general stress. As a plus you can put the dishwasher on, or stroke your pet!
- Try to plan your day so you aren't bouncing from video call to video call - it's exhausting, try and plan some activities in that boost your energy levels.
- Have a decent lunch - again eating outside, getting active or at least getting daylight will help keep your energy levels up.
- Don't let work bleed too much into your evening - if you have something good happening, don't feel guilty about doing a bit of extra work on it, but if your day hasn't been going as well as you'd hoped don't drag it out feeling more and more frustrated. Finish your day, plan some easier calls for first thing and get a good night of sleep.
- If you have something more admin focussed and are finding it hard to concentrate, listen to some music, I find that it "switches on" different parts of my brain.
- Importantly talk to people. Usually after that rude or grumpy client call you'd turn to a colleague have a moan and crack on, but instead we can only grumble to the cat who quite frankly probably isn't that bothered! Don't bottle it up, try and talk regularly to colleagues and your manager about the good and the bad and help support colleagues if you think they are having a tough time.
- And finally - how do you measure success? This is a tough one as ultimately my job is still to place candidates, even if I have far fewer jobs to work on, I still need to create revenue. I've been doing my job long enough to know what a good day of work looks like and how it feels so I'm trying not to be too arbitrary around numbers and just putting in a good day of work and reflecting on what the positives have been - a positive call with a new contact, a hint of a new job that might come live - breaking down all of the component parts and doing them as well as I can. By controlling what I can, when things do improve, I'll be ready to make the most of the situation.
I don't have all the answers, but I do know that whilst we are physically separated, it's more important than ever to share what we are finding hard, what we have found helps and showing each other we are not all alone.
It's Mental health awareness weak and the theme is kindness so try your best to remember to be kind to yourself and others.
So this week has not been an easy one for me. I've always had a fairly major OCD fear of being burgled to the point that when I was particularly stressed it took me 20 - 30 minutes to leave my house about 8 years ago as I had to do so many checks to make sure it was secure.
2 years ago I came back from a work conference and my husband told me that he thought we'd had an attempted break in and sure enough someone had tried to jemmy off the back door and had "snapped" our Yale lock - I'm not going to put up a link, but if you google "lock snapping" it's quite scary. Fortunately my Dad had spotted that our patio doors needed additional security and had fitted two top and bottom lockable bolts and so they didn't manage to get in thankfully. It was enough of a scare though that I invested in replacing the patio doors and the old tired side door with brand new UPVC double glazed doors with special ABS locks that are anti-snap.
Anyway, I returned from a busy day at work on Thursday at 8.30pm with Lebanese takeaway in hand and tried to open my front door. It wouldn't open so I assumed the cats had maybe knocked something down in front of the door, so I went around the back in the dark and saw some weird white stuff which I then realised was glass, I gasped as I wasn't sure what it was and when I realised it was a break in, I had no idea if the burglars were still there. I ran to my next door neighbour (Who moved in during the summer, but the extend of our conversation had been to swap names and shake hands and I'd not really seen him since) and knocked on the door as my husband was down in Devon and so I was staying by myself that night. I explained that I'd been burgled and he handed me the phone and I called the police. I initially dialled 101 as I wasn't sure if it was an emergency, but when I though that actually there might still be people in my house, I changed to 999 and they sent 2 police cars around.
Whilst we were waiting, my neighbour and his house mate put on shoes and helped me try and spot the cats - I was most worried about Marla who doesn't go outside as she gets lost, but we waited until the Police arrived and went into the house. I looked through the lounge window and could see straight away that the TV had been taken. The police arrived within about 5 minutes and got out their hitting sticks or probably as I think they're professional known to be - asps. 3 of the officers went through the house and came out of the front door. Whilst I was waiting outside I mentioned that my husband was down in Devon visiting his brother and they asked if he might have been involved - which of course wasn't true!
My first question when they came outside, was if they'd seen Marla or as I said "A white fluffy weird looking cat" and they had, I managed to catch her and locked her into my car so that she couldn't escape. I saw Willow run down the stairs, but I couldn't see Pocky and was really worried as she needed medicine for her Thyroid problem.
The police took me into the house so I could see what had been taken - strangely as well as the TV they'd taken our PS3, but left our PS2 and Nintendo Wii and not taken any DVDs or games. They'd taken my Netbook - on which most of the blog was authored and then a chintzy piggy bank of 5ps and coppers. They'd been upstairs and gone through all my clothes in my drawers and wardrobes, but hadn't found anything as I don't have any bling jewellery anyway and also the house is still a tip whilst the redecorating is finished, so I would have trouble myself finding anything of value as it's all boxed up and mixed together. I was also pleased that they'd not discovered the external hard drive in a well hidden, on display place and had left my Tower PC alone.
One of the police officers stayed with me to take my statement and the others made "house to house" enquiries. My neighbour remembered hearing voices during the evening, but hadn't seen anything and his housemate had been in all day as he was ill.
The police asked if I minded being filmed - apparently the BBC and Rav Wilding were doing a special on burglaries in Leeds - I said that it would be fine - especially as I like Rav, but he never turned up, so there must have been more interesting or photogenic burglaries that evening I guess.
The police asked if I knew anyone who could secure my door and so I rang Gav - the guy who has been helping me re-plaster as he's really handy and knows pretty much everything - I work with his wife and she called to say that he was on his way and see how I was. I also texted my cousin who lies in Leeds to ask if she knew anyone who could board the door in case I couldn't get hold of Gav and her partner replied to say that she was on her way around.
The SOCO person arrived and it was like watching CSI as he used a torch to find footprints on my new lounge floor and lift them off with a special metallic dust. Just from looking at them he knew that the burglars had been wearing Addidas and Nike Air trainers, unfortunately he was also able to establish they'd worn gloves so couldn't get any finger prints. When he'd finished down by the back door Gav fitted a board to make it all secure and my cousin made everyone tea - I had some with sugar as I was in a bit of shock and hadn't eaten at all since 12pm. The officer taking my statement was lovely and was really interested in the copy of God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens which was on the dining room table. I explained that it was my husband's and we had an interesting conversation about religion - he was Muslim but very interested in hearing about other people's beliefs, although mentioned that he was a lot less keen about the prospect of being on TV with Rav Wilding who he'd met earlier in the toilets.
After the Police had left and Gav had finished securing the door I tidied up my clothes and the drawers and my cousin cleared up the glass inside and I managed to coax Willow and Pocky back to the house who were terrified. I managed to feed Pocky her thyroid medicine and then settled them in and then went back to my cousins's for the night as I was a bit too full of adrenaline to want to stay in the house by myself. I did find it hard to leave the cats though. As much as I am annoyed at the TV being taken etc. I was most concerned that the cats were OK as they can't be replaced in PC World. They are still taking time to calm back down, but are getting there.
The next day I got up and had breakfast with my cousin and her kids who didn't even seem to think it strange or ask why I was there and then headed home to speak to the insurance company and finish tidying up. Another SOCO officer arrived as he wanted a glass sample from the door - they'd found suspects with glass in their shoes so he said that there was a chance I could see my stuff again (not holding out much hope though it has to be said). I also purchased a cheap TV so that I have something to watch whist insurance company sort out a replacement - I had a minor operation on Saturday under general anaesthetic (more about this later) so I wanted some access to entertainment whilst recovering. I also wanted to create a timeframe for the police as I knew I had a lot of recordings on Sky+. I was able to tell the police that the burglary occurred between 6.30pm and 7pm (Got to Dance recorded fine from 6 - 6.30pm) and 7pm (The Big Bang Theory at 7pm failed as they'd unplugged all of the electronic devices including the Sky Box when stealing the PS3 and TV).
So what have I learned or decided from all this?
- My friends, family and neighbours are all lovely people who have helped me more than I would have expected.
- I will be upgrading to a good burglar alarm which works well with a cat infested house.
- I will be recording the serial numbers of everything electrical of value and marking them all with UV pens (this I had already done for most things, but not my Netbook).
- I will get to know my neighbours a little better.
- I will get the fence at the back of my house repaired and get a lock fitted onto the side gate.
- The Police in Leeds were lovely to me and they also came back to patrol the next evening and check in that I was ok (Marla got on the officer's lap!)
- I will continue to be grateful that my cats are ok and that I'm ok - it does make you realise that material possessions are handy, but friends, family and pets are what matter most.
